Buckley used to be a spy?

From The National Review:

The importance of the law against revealing the true professional identity of an agent is advertised by the draconian punishment, under the federal code, for violating it. In the swirl of the Libby affair, one loses sight of the real offense, and it becomes almost inapprehensible what it is that Cheney/Libby/Rove got themselves into. But the sacredness of the law against betraying a clandestine soldier of the republic cannot be slighted.

Why does William F. Buckley hate America?

Prescription Update

OK, so the NiHowdy crew did not take kindly to my suggestion that they grind up and snort copious amounts of Hetracil. But that post did put my blog as one of the few internet resources for "behavioral effeminism", so it wasn't a total loss.

(If you are searching for information on 'behavioral effeminism' and you have found this blog, please note that 'behavioral effeminism is scientifically defined as a genetic male displaying any of the following traits: drinking vodka-cranberries instead of beer, wearing retinal cone-destroying jumpsuits and Astros gear, not playing chess very well, being a noofie, a newfee, from the Eastern part of Canada, supporting the Dallas Cowboys or the Philadelphia Eagles, or frequently rubbing your hands together like a B-movie supervillian)

Tell you what, guys. What y'all really need is a big healthy dose of Panexa. Especially P.I.M.P.


/Salutes Apostropher
//How in the hell does he find all the good stuff?

Zombie?

These are the lyrics to the song Zombie by The Cranberries:

Another head hangs lowly;
Child is slowly taken;
And the violence caused such silence;
Who are we mistaken?
But you see, it's not me;
It's not my family;
In your head, in your head;
They're fightin'!
With their tanks, and their bombs;
And their bombs, and their guns;
In your head, in your head;
They're cryin'!

In your head! In your head!
Zombie! Zombie! Zombie-ie-ie!
What's in your head, in your head?
Zombie! Zombie! Zombie-ie-ie-ie-oh!

Another mother?s breaking;
Heart is taken over.
When the violence causes silence;
We must be mistaken.
It?s the same old theme;
Since 1916!
In your head, in your head;
They're still fightin'!
With their tanks, and their bombs;
And their bombs, and their guns;
In your head, in your head!
They're dyin'!

In your head! In your head!
Zombie! Zombie! Zombie-ie-ie!
What's in your head, in your head?
Zombie! Zombie! Zombie-ie-ie-ie-oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, hey-oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is this song about?

Prescriptions for the boys over at Ni Howdy

Guys, I have found the solution to your most obvious problems. Git yerselves to a drugstore and purchase healthy doses of Hetracil (R).

"Hetracil is the most widely prescribed anti-effeminate medication in the United States, helping 16 million Americans who suffer from Behavioral Effeminism and Male Homosexuality Disorder"

Bread, did you read that? There is a medical cause for the overly-colorful clothing and the vodka-crans. It's called 'Behavioral Effeminism'! Though looking at the pictures posted over on y'alls blog this week, maybe you should send Kevlar out for the first (and heaviest) dose.

Just for the record

The all-seeing eye in a pyramid is a Masonic emblem. Always has been. Ask anyone.

Smokin'

From... I don't know, Sixty Minutes? Some company in Michigan fired some people for smoking at home. I'm kind of torn here. Obviously, I wish smokers could be given a break once in a while. I've been busted by the airport police for smoking in two no-smoking areas (in Minneapolis and San Francisco airports). The thing is, both of those no-smoking areas were outside. Come on now, I was outside for god's sake. Lighten up already.

On the other hand, I sort of like the idea that private business owners can hire and fire whom they please. If I had my own business, I wouldn't hire any Dallas Cowboys fans. Even if you weren't a Cowboys fan, but you came to work wearing some kind of Dallas Cowboys gear, I'd fire ya. And I wouldn't hire anyone from Pensacola either. Pensacola sucks. If one of my employees went to Pensacola for vacation, I'd fire em'. And practicing Tae Kwon Do, even if you do it in the privacy of your own home, would get you fired at Chaon Inc.

So I think that firing employees who smoke is pretty damn uncool, but that's not to say there should be some kind of legislative remedy. You can't outlaw uncool. If you try, you better start with the NFC East.

What is good for industry...

...is good for your family.

From Boing Boing, The poster of the week archives from Manufacturers' blog.

Don't call the EPA

If anyone saw a huge black cloud of smoke over Southern Taichung this evening, that was me making blackened chicken. J-Hole, if it's ok with you, next time I'm gonna borrow your skillet. Blackened chicken is kinda hard to do in a wok.

Halloween in Taichung

Here's what I know so far:

Tomorrow night, October 29

.22 and The Deported are playing at 89k. I've never seen The Deported- I guess they are a punk band from Taipei. I might go and wave my cane in the mosh pit.

MalFunktion preeeezents NIGHTMARE2 at the new Londoner, featuring DJ's Provi-soir and Mixter T and a suprise guest. There will be a costume contest yada yada yada. Plans for late night soccer riot still provisional.

FM's Monster Mash will be on both Oct 29th and Oct. 31. Music by DJ Pau. Drink specials on Cape's Cod Revenge, Death by Jim Beam, Jaeger shots and Widowmakers. Partial nudity likely.

Proselytizing

Since everyone else in the world seems determined to bring their faith to the hapless Taiwanese, ignoring the fact that the Taiwanese people already have their own religions and belief systems, I don't see why I should be any different. And this Saturday evening certainly should be an ideal opportunity to spread the faith. However, I'm running into some problems in translating the holy word:



Compounding my troubles is the fact that as far as I know, there is no Chinese word for "noodly". I don't think "mian4 tiao2 de" is going to cut it.

Him Peach Mint

There is a lot of talk in the news and on blogs recently about "the criminalization of politics". Examples in recent history include:
The De-pantsing of a CIA agent

Making sure your election funds are clean and Downy-fresh

Having sex with an ugly girl and then lying about it

Now a lot of terms are being bandied about, such as "witch hunt", and "the criminalization of politics". But everyone should know that this kind of persecution for political stands has been going on for a long time! Consider the following notorious cases of using the legal system to persecute an individual for his sophisticated and progressive political beliefs...

1985- Chaon refers to Ronald Reagan as "a senile old fool". At graduation time that year, Chaon is apprehended and imprisoned by Walt Disney security on trumped-up charges of getting out of the little cart and running around Disney's 'Haunted Mansion'. Only a masterful legal defense secures Chaon?s release from the underground security labyrinth

1987- Chaon writes a scathing letter to the editor denouncing U.S. support of the Contra rebels in Nicaragua. Just three short months later, Chaon is cited by Tampa police for driving with an expired registration. Coincidence? Unlikely!

1992- Chaon declares at a party that the only just social system is one in which the working class owns the means of production. The following year, Chaon is majorly hassled by the police for illegal consumption of alcohol in a public park. Making the political persecution even more notorious, the police officer in question ordered Chaon and friends to pour out their beer!!!

2001- Chaon announces to the entire bar that James Soong is "a great big dick". Over the next four years, the Taichung city police tow Chaon's car away three goddam times! When will this witch hunt end?

I say, Enough to the criminalization of politics!

Legal clarifications

I don't want there to be any confusion about the formal support this blog has received from institutions and individuals around the world.

To clarify, this blog is recognized and endorsed and loved and cherished by:


The President of the United States

"Don't misunderestimate Chaon"


The Green Party of Taiwan


"Women fandui. Yizhi fandui. Shenmo dou fandui."

and

Jim Anchower

"Sometimes Chaon is totally retarded, but then sometimes he's kind of cool."

I am left without a stupid pun in the title

(But feel free to suggest one)

Seen this morning on Apostropher and The Peking Duck:
Young Singers Spread Racist Hate
Duo Considered the Olsen Twins of the White Nationalist Movement

"We're proud of being white, we want to keep being white," said Lynx. "We want our people to stay white ? we don't want to just be, you know, a big muddle. We just want to preserve our race."

Look girls, you wanna stay white? Do what the girls in Taiwan do: Kose Sekkisei Whitening Cream

The White Nationalist movement is not the way to go. You want proof? Let's go ask Dean Mckee:



"Hey Dean, what did you get out your involvement with White Nationalists?"

"Well Karl, I got sentenced to life in prison. I sure should have kicked your ass when I had the chance."

"That's true, Dean. By the way, do you think I could pass for an Aryan if I dyed my hair blonde?"

"Well, you're tall. And all true Aryans are tall. But we usually envision the master race as having a little less paunch. And you'd have to cut out all that race mixing."

"Got it. Later Dean."

I'm tired of the hand tool business

How exciting are hand tools? Not very. And while there is money to be made, it is nothing like the profits realized by those in the real estate, commodities or narcotics trade.

So I was pretty thankful to receve the E-mail below. Now I'm going to become a high-powered tourmaline agent! Then I'm gonna buy and Armani suit, a Hummer, and some real good cigars.

From: Suleman Abdul [sulegems@yahoo.com]

To: Karl Smith

Dear sir,

This comes to you as a business proposal and an introduction of a relationship that would be of great benefit.i got your address via a reliable source and anticipate that you would show intrest in this great venture.
I am Mr. Suleman .F. Abdul, i am in the semi-prescious stones [ tourmaline] trade in which i have a proposal for you to achive this deal and share from the gain should you be intrested, by asisting in a little task. this would not affect much of your time or job at present.
We have intrested clients in america, europe and asia that are in great demand for our fine quality germstone but require some security in their transactions considering the bad label on nigerians in such business which has come to negatively affect genuine business people like us.For this reason i need and require an agent or a midddle man close to my client that they can feel secure with in the transaction so as to show am geniune.
It does not require much, just a trust worthy and responsible person an account,which would be yours where payments would be made for the germ stones, and as soon as you confirm the money in your account we do the delivery of the goods to our clients. This agency service you would render is like distributorship only that you do not transfer goods just funds, and would yield an annual earnings apart from the immediate 15% you get after any transaction.The money paid by clients would be shared in two. One half you send to us and the other is used to open an account that stands as an investment to bring your yearly earnings at the end of the year . This depend on the type of agent you fall into and the number of transactions you made in the year.

We have clients from your region thet require over 5000kg of germ stones in sum per week and this is worth over US$95000:00. we are working hard to see that our part is sealed to acquire, package,ship,and! make sure the goods arrive its destination.Need i inform you we just discoverd a new site of great tourmaline deposition for exploration,in the south western part on Nigeria behinde the village shirine and they do not know anything about the stone so we are working to acquire that site.
This will seem new if you do not know about this trade, but it is real. Remember i do not need any money from you for the transaction, should you assist financially in any case you deduct it before sending ours after showing proof, just your intrest, trust and alittle seriousness is needed, which you would show,should you be intrested by the purchase of the agency registration form which is US$350:00 and US$550:00 for gold and silver group respectively for transactions of stones of 100--500kg and 500kg and above respectively.
This should be treated with urgency and confidentiality, as i repose my trust in you expect a reciprocation.if you are willing to join mail me to! get information on how to pay and how.I asure you this 100% guaranty and would be a new door for financial income for you.Thanks .

sincerly

Mr.suleman.F. Abdul

Lynx for Monday

To start things off on a lighter note, Apostropher found Lone Star Statements. These are reviews put up on Amazon for books listed by Time Magazine as the 100 best novels from 1923 to the present. My (and apparently Aprostopher's) favorite:

The Lord of the Rings (1954)
"The book is not readable because of the overuse of adverbs."


Seen on FARK: Metrosexual man bows to red-blooded übersexuals

Celebrity metrosexuals include Jude Law, Orlando Bloom and David Beckham, whose good looks can be seen as slightly womanly.

Their übersexual counterparts include George Clooney, Donald Trump, Pierce Brosnan and Bill Clinton, who are fashionable and wear tasteful clothes, but are unashamedly masculine, not least in their often complicated and very heterosexual lifestyles. Salzman's book proclaims the world's leading übersexual as the rock star and anti-poverty campaigner Bono.

Um... Donald Trump? Bono? I had already pretty much given up on the whole metrosexual thing, insofar as it requires that you at least occasionally brush your hair. But I am never one to ignore superficial trends as mandated by British newspapers, so I'm going to get right on my new übersexual image-building.

Rush Limbaugh, the notorious 'shock jock', recently mused that übersexuals sounded rather like him.

So... In order to be an übersexual, I need to be fat, addicted to painkillers, and constantly run my mouth without ever knowing what the hell I'm talking about? This is gonna be easy.

Weekly game stuff

POKER
Poker is at AJ's house this Friday night. Leave me a comment or an E-mail to confirm that you will/will not be able to make it.


Axis & Allies
I am instituting straight bids for Axis. With two players, this is straight bidding: One player offers opening IPC bid, and other player either accepts or bids lower. The bid can be used to buy either German or Japanese units, but only one unit bought thus can be placed in any one territory. The bid can also be kept in cash, and allocated between the two Axis countries in any proportion. If playing with National Advantages, the N.A.'s are determined before the bidding starts.

With more than two players, we'll use a sealed bid. Lowest two bidders get the Axis, and those players decide among themselves who is Germany and who is Japan. If the players cannot agree, then whoever brought more beer to my house gets to choose which country they play. The remaining players argue among themselves as to who plays which Allied country- disputes will be settled with knives.

NOTE: We have missed a key part of the German "Wolfpack" National Advantage:

"For Convoy Raids, when there are at least two German subs in the same sea zone, and they are within 2 sea zones of the enemy IC, the enemy subtracts an additional 1IPC from their collected income. If the group of at least two subs are within 1 sea zone of the enemy IC, the enemy subtracts an additional 2IPC from their collected income."

So that N.A. does not suck so much as has been alleged. Malv, quitcherbitchin.

Lastly, I am still trying to tinker with the N.A.'s. I have two things I want to fix: Germany has only a choice of 5 N.A.'s under the current system, and the British "Mideast Oil" N.A. is stupid, useless, and unrealistic. Convinced I can do better, I was snooping around the Caspian Sub Yahoo Group, and found the following in their rule set:

House Rules
Oleg: Alright, let's get the game on. Do you guys use any house rules around here?
Jorge: Well, pretty much just the basic rule changes with a couple of modifications.
Oleg: Let's hear it.
Jorge: Do you use Smith's 'Paratrooper Rules'?
Oleg: Sure.
Jorge: Ok, we do too. We also put a little twist on it. If all of Germany's planes are destroyed then they are able to build the 'Visigoth Catapult'. It allows one infantry to be launched up to 3 spaces away. They fire for a round and then die.
Oleg: Oh, kind of like Kaiten Torpedoes.
Jorge: Kind of, only this is cooler. This is the 'Visigoth Catapult'.
Oleg: Ok. Anything else?
Jorge: Yes. We didn't think there were enough spaces in the board once the Allies get to Germany so we use the Holy Roman Empire expansion map.
Oleg: Fiefdoms of 1157AD or fiefdoms of 1036AD?
Jorge: Man, around here you won't find ANYONE using the fiefdoms of 1157. That map is retarded.
Oleg: [Under his breath] You're retarded! That map is sweet...
Oleg: Good enough. What else?
Jorge: Once per game the German player may call upon the Dread Lord Cthulhu and a Shroud of Darkness descends on Europe. The SOD imparts a spiritual malaise to the whole region.
Oleg: Shroud of Darkness. Check.
Jorge: When the SOD is in place the Allied player can only roll using the black dice.
Oleg: Is there anything special about the black dice?
Jorge: Yes. They're black.
Oleg: ?
Oleg: ...ok.
Jorge: The SOD can be lifted only when a Russian Orthodox Priest enters into battle bearing the Bane of Orem B'Shamba.
Oleg: Bane of Orem B'Shamba. Got it.
Jorge: Other than that we just use the standard rule mods.
Oleg: 'Return of Merlin'?
Jorge: Yup.
Oleg: 'Prester John's Hip Hop Kingdom'?
Jorge: Yup. There's no other way to get Rhodesia into the game. What about 'Benito Mussolini: Lord of the Dance' and 'Hermann Goering's Pilonidal Cyst'?
Oleg: Both of them, sure. I hear that Avalon Hill and Sony are going to come out with a game for PS2 called 'Il Duce's Dance Dance Revolution'.
Jorge: I'd buy that for sure! What about Team Leyner rules like 'Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros' and 'Honey, I Shrunk the Children of a Lesser God'?
Oleg: We usually skip that rule set. It's a little too much Milli and not enough Vanili, if you know what I mean.
Jorge: Um... yeah. Yeah, totally. I get your point. Waaaay too much Milli.
Oleg: Do you do anything with the convoy rules? Like the mod 'Das Booty Call'?
Jorge: Not really.
Oleg: Ok, I can live without it.
Jorge: What about 'Ninja Guy'? Do you guys use 'Ninja Guy'?
Oleg: Oh yeah! We love 'Ninja Guy'! Who do you know that doesn?t use 'Ninja Guy'?
Jorge: My cousin, Eustace.
Oleg: Dude's confused.
Jorge: Dude's name is Eustace. Not using 'Ninja Guy' is the least of his problems.
Oleg: True that.
Jorge: Ok, what about 'Billy Joel: Panzer Commander'?
Oleg: Yes, and 'Liza Live: Can't Stop that Freedom!'.
Jorge: Lately we've been using 'The Preincarnation of the Village People', where a singing cowboy, construction worker, Indian chief, sailor, policeman, and leather guy all travel back in time to fight Hitler, armed only with luxurious mustachios and funkitude'.
Oleg: I'm cool with that one. How about 'It's the Third Reich, Charlie Brown'?
Jorge: We only use it if we're also using 'The Muppets Take Manila' and 'Willy Wonka at War: Oompa Loompa Factory'.
Oleg: I'm good with that. What about 'Run DMC versus Tojo' and 'Turn your Head and Cough, Dwight Eisenhower'?
Jorge: Always. And also 'Yentl Ends Auschwitz'.
Oleg: Fine. What about 'Let the Machines Hear us Dance!', wherein we learn that all of WWII was nothing but a sim run inside the Matrix by Neo and Morpheus just before the rave in Zion?
Jorge: YES! YES! I love that mod! That's my favorite mod!
Oleg: Well, it sounds like we have a game. Let's set up the board.
Jorge: Yeah, I'll explain the other rules as we go along.
Oleg: Cool.
Jorge: Alright, I forget, how many infantry start in Ukraine?
Oleg: Four.
Jorge: Thanks.

Seen last weekend

1st German tanker (on far left): Where are you guys going? We're about to take Moscow!
1st German infantry: Can you count the number of Russian infantry divisions defending Moscow?
2nd German infantry: There are so many, they ran out of red chips and had to use NT$5 coins as markers!
3rd German infantry: Not to mention the fact that every Allied fighter in the whole world seems to have flown in for the party. We're out of here.
2nd German tanker: I told you we should have attacked Stalingrad instead! Every time German troops get stuck up here in Archangel, things just fall apart!
1st Japanese infantry: Ahondara Germans. We marched all the way across China for this?

Vegetarian Bacon

This is the vegetarian bacon I bought at Wellcome Supermarket:



There is nothing particularly funny or interesting about this vegetarian bacon, except that I find its very existence slightly horrifying. I am unsure how to cook the vegetarian bacon. I like to cook grits and then fry the bacon until it is real crispy and then mix the bacon all up in the grits and then eat it. But I do not have any grits. I do not think they can be bought in this country. I could perhaps prepare the vegetarian bacon with some other kind of meat, like when they wrap stuffed chicken breasts with bacon. Maybe I should see if the same supermarket sells vegetarian chicken breasts.

J-Hole would know what to do with the vegetarian bacon. I'm going to go to PJ's tonight and ask him.

in my case theres uslly a flyin lamp involved

The Secret IM Conversations: Bush seeks advice from Clinton

More Accurate...

...than that stupid science fiction character quiz. The Monster Name Decoder.

My results:

Seen on Kent's blog,

Which Fantasy/SciFi character are you?

I am Boba Fett. Not because I in any way resemble a "highly-protective and skilled mercenary", but because when I took the test it said I am Data from Star Trek. Screw that. I hate Star Trek. And I always liked Boba Fett. I recommend not taking the quiz, just go here and choose the character you like.

You know who else I hate? Whoopi Goldberg. Thinking about how much I detest Star Trek reminded me of my dislike for Whoopi and every movie she has ever made. I don't like Tito Ortiz either. Tito Ortiz sucks. He sucks so much they should put him in an episode of Star Trek.

What the world needs is another blog yammering about politics

And I am that blog.

As one of the many disillusioned Democrats out there, I have had to deeply consider my choice for president in 2008. This is a decision of grave import for not only the U.S.A., but the entire world, and I have thus given this matter several seconds of hard thought.

Here are the alternatives:

Christopher Walken. http://www.walken2008.com
Pros: Would be a hell of a diplomat.
Cons: (from the site) ""Our great country is in a terrible downward spiral..." Mr. Walken, if I want to hear overbown apocalyptic oratory, I'll get drunk and listen to myself.

Bill Holt. http://www.notesoft.com/billybob/bill_holt_for_president.htm
Pros: Fiscal conservative, Cat lover
Cons: Hasn't updated site in five years, probably forgot he is running for president

Gus Hall. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gus_Hall
Pros: Dedicated to justice and the rights of the working class
Cons: Died in 2000

General Zod. http://www.zod2008.com
Pros: Strong leader. Excellent military experience.
Cons: A future life under a tyrant who demands your life and all of your possessions .

Well, that may sound tough at first, but I think I've been married long enough to deal with it. General Zod it is then.

Taichung chess report

Chess tournament was last Sunday at Hobbes Scool of Chess. Thanks to Andrew and his brother Gary for hosting. Thanks to Joe (A.K.A. YWP) for doing a great job as TD.

Chaon won the tournament, and refuses to let a small thing like the fact that all the other participants were a third his age detract from the sweet victory. Besides, some of those kids were pretty good. Like the old saying goes, youth and skill are no match for... me. Not in chess, anyway.


Game 2: Chaon fights tooth and nail to beat a formidable opponent

Me: "My God. I've just gotten my knight trapped by an eight year-old kid."
Eight year-old kid: "Man, I hope by the time I'm 38, I can play better than this guy."

Mid-day: Chaon gives some chess pointers to eager young prodigies

Me: "Now listen up kids, you have to remember that in chess, MATERIAL IS NEVER IMPORTANT! You ALWAYS sacrifice for an open game with attacking chances.
Them: But our teacher said...

Me: I DON'T CARE what your teacher said! Do you want to play 35 moves and end up with a stale, drawn position?
Them: Well no...
Me: Then get in there and sac some queens! Attack, attack, and then keep attacking! By the way, any of you guys got a cigarette I could bum?


Taiwan's Number 1 chess player challenges Taichung's Number 1 coffee drinker

Me: Why am I playing Bird's opening against someone who knows what they are doing?
Joe: Doesn't this guy know any real openings? And why doesn't he get a haircut?

More pics from the day can be seen here.

Another reason why Taiwan is not keen on unification

I have been at a loss on what to do with the linked image below. Part of playing the glib and sarcastic character in which I write on this blog is that I am not supposed to be shocked by anything. I might find something mildly disgusting, crass or vulgar and unfunny, but I hardly ever see anything that makes me think "Oh my God that's horrible."

It's a banner from China, and don't bother looking if you don't read Chinese. I'm sure as hell not going to translate it.

link

Poker

... is at Aj's tonight. 9:00 PM. Let's be considerate (J-hole, that means not ordering another beer at PJ's at 8:55PM). Also, AJ has been pulling heavy poker hosting duty the last couple of months. I'll pick up a night to host in the next couple of weeks. The rest of you slackers see if you can't do the same, to give AJ a much-deserved break.

Coming this weekend...

If you live near Taichung, and are one of those young, hip people who knows who Cevin Fisher is, then you may be interested in this weekend's Garden of Eden outdoor festival.
(Please note that I have no idea who Cevin Fisher is, nor can I imagine that any young, hip people read this blog. But there's the info just in case.)


For something a little less ravey and more paramilitary, check out the COMBATCLAW BB-Gun Wargame Club. I don't know what a BB-Gun wargame is either. I'm guessing it's like paintball, only maybe with those Airsoft guns. Do those guns shoot paintballs? Plastic pellets? I used to play paintball in Plant City in the eighties, with those first generation single-shot paintball guns they had then. What those guns lacked in velocity, they made up for with projectile mass. I think the caliber was about 1. When you got shot, you sure as hell knew it. Fortunately, the enemy had to be practically right on top of you to hit you- the range was about the third of a good slingshot.

Techical Help Needed

What equipment does one need to connect a PC to a stereo? The following has already been tried:

1. A single to double cable that is the correct size to fit the output of the computer (both earphone and/or audio).
2. A couple of female/female connectors so that I could run an additional cable to the back of the stereo

But the signal was weak and static-filled. Has anybody done this?

Oktoberjest

I just learned (or perhaps relearned) that the Chinese for Oktoberfest is pi jiu jie, literally: beer festival. Well that's honest. I don't know if anything in Taichung is going on for this, insofar as every Friday night in this town seems to be a beer festival. If you are J-Hole, then apparently every night is a beer festival. And that brings us to one of the mysteries of modern times: Why in the hell doesn't J-Hole get a great big beer belly from all that beer? Hell, I drink a third of what he drinks and I look like like I'm five months pregnant.

Anyway, if you want to celebrate beer the German way, go to Wendel's in Taipei. They have the whole deal: beer, bratwurst, German folk dancing, and an invasion of the Polish deli across the street. Wendel's is located in Tienmu, and their phone number is (2)-2831-4592. If anyone knows of anything Oktoberfest related in Taichung, please let me know.

Speaking of which, have you all heard about the new German-Chinese restaurant? The food is great, but an hour later, you're hungry for power.

Thank you very much. I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your waiter.

Mighty Big O' Me

This in from Red A: First Trio "Married" in The Netherlands

It appears that I've had it all wrong. I assumed that as I neared 40 and got fatter and balder, that this would somehow diminish my threesome chances. But look at that guy in the pic! I'm shaving my head when I get home today.

Though I'm not sure two wives is enough. I mean, two wives is good- one in the kitchen cooking and one doing laundry, but those windows are not going to wash themselves. And ideally I'd have another wife to push the little plastic tanks and ships around the board as I tutor Michael Turton in weekly Axis & Allies lessons.

So, I'm shooting for four wives, or maybe five just to be on the safe side. Prospective spouses can send their C.V. by E-mail. Be sure to enclose a pic. Now, how much are tickets to Amsterdam?

New Logo for the 2008 Olympics

Beijing 2008

...apophaticism

FM has a website: http://www.fmtaichung.com

**********************************

I want one of these hats.

**********************************

Seen on FARK: 53% Journalists turn to the blogs That would explain the greater international press coverage of lesbian ninjas. Didn't know I had that kind of influence.

The Way Things Oughta Be

With a phpBB board and this Firefox extension, you can do this:

Translation problems Part 2

I guess there is something of a vulgar double-entendre in KFC's slogan "We do chicken right", but unless your mind is entrenched in the gutter you probably won't immediately think about the doing chickens part. But when they did a direct translation of the slogan into Chinese (in China, not Taiwan) the sentence:



[Women zuo ji shi dui de] pretty much reads "We are right to be hookers."

Translation problems Part 1

I'm not sure how I would translate [gan1 huo2 ji4 jia4 chu4], but I would hope I could come up with something better than this:




Though this might be an appropriate sign for shoppers at the YuMaoWu Supermarket: "Fuck these prices!"

Bigentall

From the St. Pete Times: Casual Male hope to grow by losing 'big'

New management at Casual Male Big & Tall has discovered what somehow eluded their predecessors for decades: men who buy big- and tall-sized apparel aren't particularly proud of being called big and tall.

Yer goddam right we don't like being called big and tall. I've been pushing these stores for years to refer to us as "Great and Lofty". Or at least "Groß und hoch ". But it doesn't matter what they call the store, their pants all still cut the way old men like their pants, with the low end of the crotch almost to your knees. Makes it easier to pull 'em up real high, I guess, but they don't offer much in the way of ball support. Not that my balls droop or anything.

Wow

Y'all remember Jeff Gannon? The poor, defenseless gay man that the evil leftists were so mean to? Yeah you do. Funny, funny stuff, and best of all was Red A's Instapundit-fueled indignation.

I thought this was a parody when I first saw it, but I guess it's on the level:

Jeff Gannon- A Voice of the New Media
(So feared by the Left they had to take me down)

and he has a contributions page!

"As you might expect, recent developments have left me without an income, but I am determined not to allow that to keep me from speaking out."

Heh heh. Jeff little buddy, I don't think the Vice Squad in your area is so vigilant as to deprive you of all your income...

I like Jeff's headshot in front of the American flag. That's classy. Makes you look all credible and stuff. Maybe I should try something like that, so I too can be A Voice of the New Media...




I'm still working on my contributions page. In the meantime, please send Camel filters and Jack Daniels directly to my other office.

Axis & Allies Stuff

To all the regular crew, take a look at 'Larry Harris' Tournament Rules; Revised Rules and Clarifications. Check out lend lease National Advantage change:

During your mobilize new units phase, you can convert one U.K. and one U.S. land unit into Soviet units if they are in a red territory.

And Superfortress:

The defender rolls two antiaircraft guns for each superfortress. The total of 2 die must add to 3 or less to shoot the superfortress down in the opening fire step.

These changes take care of the utter lopsidedness we encountered last Saturday. In addition, there is Axis & Allies: Enhanced v1.3 which has the better rules for tech rolls and some other neat stuff.

Out of touch

What quarterback threw for 336 yards and three touchdowns yesterday? Trent Dilfer! I didn't even know Dilfer was still playing football these days. And he threw this in a game where the Cleveland Browns beat the Green Bay Packers? What kind of bizzarro football world is this where the Browns are beating anyone, much less the Pack?

=================================================================

There is going to be a chess tournament here in Taichung. Here are the details:
Time: Sunday, Oct 2, 9:00a.m. - 5:00 p.m.
Location: Either Zhong Xin University, or Hobbe's School on Xiang Shang S. Rd.
Tourney Format: Swiss Perfect, 6 rounds
Time controls: 25/10 (25 minutes per game, plus 10 secs per move.)
Cost: Approximately 300-500 NT$

If you are in Taichung and plan on participating in this tournament, it will probably just be easier for you to give me the registration fee directly, then smack yourself around until you feel humiliated and dejected. Because that's going to be pretty much the same result as if you faced me over the chessboard in tournament play. That is, unless your ICC handle is Laughingbuddha, in which case instead of going to the tournament I'll just make disparaging comments about my ancestry, then throw myself down a flight of stairs. Probably less painful, all things considered.

Help me

How do you say ethernet crossover cable in Chinese?

This is totally pissing me off

It is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to eat the damn pie in 15 bites! I have performed an exhaustive mathematical analysis*, and this thing can not be done.

*I tried a bunch of times and cursed a lot, which is pretty much the same thing as mathematical analysis.

Taichung Traditions, and offensive humor

Was at PJ's last night, watching the recorded Eagles-Falcons MNF game. Now for those of you outside Taichung, here's how these (Eagles) games go: Everybody sits in the breezeway in front of the bar, watching a medium-sized TV hooked up to a VCR that PJ does not know how to set up. Every time the Eagles score, everyone present gets a free shot. However, the free shot in question is a plastic cup of frozen margarita. For the life of me, I cannot slam a frozen margarita, so the free "shot" is more like a free frozen drink in a plastic cup. But the drink itself is not too bad. If I ever have a bar, I'll do the same thing for televised chess tornaments. Every time Vishy Anand takes a major piece, everyone watching gets a free glass of chocolate milk with a dash of absinthe. Yeah, I'll get rich.

On the net, some website had a contest for the 10 funniest and the 10 most offensive religious jokes. This was deemed the second funniest one:

Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.

To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."

Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.

Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "You know, mother, you're not helping."

Doldrums

Not a lot good going on in my part of the blogging world. Mid-September sucks in Taiwan. It is too hot, the weather will not be cooler for another month or so. Elections are coming, bringing with them the promise of... noise. A lot of noise. This Sunday is Mid-Autumn Festival, and already the spirit-destroying, mind-numbing horror of Moon Cakes has appeared in Taichung. If you do not know what Moon Cakes are, you should go to your place of worship and thank your deity for sparing you this knowledge.

========================================================

On FARK, there was this argument about something that the Church of Scientology had done. Now to be honest, I don't know a damn thing about Scientology, except that the Battlefield Earth books were right crap. And I thought they were right crap at the time in my life when I was reading a lot of (and this is pretty mortifying) Piers Anthony books. So Farkers start laying down the usual wisecracks, including the suggestion that Scientologists believe we all evolved from clams. Lo and behold, an honest-to-Odin Scientologist comes on and starts defending Scientology, including the clam thing:

"Scientologists do not 'believe' that everyone evolved from clans, just that there are incidents in the past (on the time track) which involved clams, and which still restimulate us to this day, in various ways."

Well now, there were incidents with clams, there were incidents with beets, and there were incidents that involved tequila, Wesson Oil and neckties. And yes, maybe some of these incidents do still (ahem) restimulate us to this day, but I say it is best to leave those incidents in the past.

But it gets weirder. When pressed on the clam thing, the lone Scientology defender Ingvar explained further:

It's quite upsetting to be a clam.

Clams are the embodiment of the physical universe trap. you cannot get more trapped, spiritually, than clams.. well, you can, but clams are pretty much farked. try living a few lifetimes as a clam, you'll see what I mean ..

In Scientology, you run through the negative effects of all this. you have been a clam in your history, no doubt about it .. very few on this planet have escaped that aspect of the time track. When you feel the clam engrams in restimulation, you'll know frustration at its finest.

When you feel clam engrams in restimulation???? I'm not sure what to make of that, but I was always pretty sure that 'frustration at its finest' involved a penis. Can anyone suggest a Scientology link that, you know, makes sense? (Makes sense = No clam engrams)

I'm Back

Turns out Jalandhar is pretty skimpy on both robots and volcanoes, so that part of the trip was a bust. However, I managed to thoroughly vanquish a couple of marauding buffets, so that was pretty formidable.

I saw the Golden Temple. I wish I knew anything about the Sikh religion, so I might have had some idea of what I was looking at.

Link check

Please try to access this link and leave a comment to let me know if you can see Jerome's site.
http://zen.sandiego.edu:8080/Jerome/

I used to link to him, then I guessed his site was down after a period of a few weeks where I could not access it. Even now, I can't read it from either work or home. But it seems that everyone else in Taiwan can read it...?

I'll be back Thursday.

Secret agent man- Jalandhar

I'm off to India tonight for a super-secret mission that will in all likelihood involve dangerous encounters with a beautiful but deadly female triple-agent working for enemy powers. I will be traveling under my usual cover as a linebacker for the New York Giants. Probable adventures will include jetskis, fighter jets, samurai swords and wolverines. I'm still not sure what I'll do with the canvas rucksack of gold coins that I'll pilfer from a terrorist headquarters somewhere.

Ninjas will be dispatched. Princesses will be rescued, and possibly impregnated. Robots will be reprogrammed to throw themselves into volcanoes. Nepal will be saved. Secret identities will be revealed.

And if I can figure out where the citizens of Jalandhar gather to play chess, then... well, you know what will happen.

Typhoon Day

Typhoon Talim is here. I went out with my $100 digital camera this morning, trying to take some pictures of the damage. A combination of factors- my camera being a piece of crap, and my being the worst photographer in the whole world, conspired to keep me from getting any good typhoon pics. So then I look at Michael Turton's blog, and he has photodocumented today quite nicely. Man, I hate that guy.

I guess the eye is over us right now. Compared to what Katrina did to New Orleans, our damage will be negligible. One of the benefits of having all your residential structures made of concrete and steel. Well, concrete and salad oil cans maybe, but still better than wood.

I want a hippo

PJ is back. I ran into him last night just as he got off the bus from the airport. He looked rested and relaxed. Don't look for a reopening tonight- PJ will need a day to rest after six weeks of vigorous resting in Thailand. Maybe tomorrow.

Poker this Friday night at AJ's house. 9:00PM. And let's try to make that a real 9:00PM, not a Taiwanese 9:00PM.

Fred has left Two Tigers, and is returning to the United States soon.

From Information Clearing House (who always offers an even and fairhanded look at world events*) Finding Closure

"While in Iraq, I never once saw a terrorist with extreme inclinations for senseless bloodshed, but only angry farmers and shop keepers who for one reason or another wish to end our empirical domination over their homeland."

* That was sarcasm.
=================================================================
The sun burns angry and red over the dusty village, as a U.S. Army HUMVEE pulls up in front of an Iraqi market. Four marines in full combat gear exit the vehicle, their weapons ready. The marines approach the market, stopping when they spot an Iraqi farmer and a shopkeeper engaged in intense discussion. The marines surround the two Iraqis, and a sunburned marine sergeant in Ray-Bans growls "What are you two doing?"

The Iraqi shopkeeper responds:
"Well sergeant, based on fundamental propositions of logic and mathemetics, which can be intuited by everyone, we are constructing a comprehensive metaphysical system."

"That's right!" exclaims the farmer. "You see, given that there are certain things we can be said to know a priori, and given the superiority of pure reason over knowledge gained through the senses, we can..."

BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM TING

The two Iraqis stand in shocked silence, their ears ringing from the gunfire. The Marine sergeant has just emptied a full magazine into the dirt at their feet.

The sergeant starts shouting: "We did not come all the way over here to liberate you people, only to have you start messing around with some kind of... Cartesian Epistemology!" The sergeant's face twists in disgust as he says the last two words, and the other marines grumble in assent. "How can you claim that some kind of knowledge exists... BEFORE EXPERIENCE?!?! That doesn't even make any sense! There is absolutely no such thing as an innate idea!"

A younger marine, a Lance Corporal, joins in: "Sarge is right. Nihil in intellectu quod prius non fuerit in sensu. Wait- how do you say that in Arabic?" He pulls a tattered dictionary out of his pocket and starts to search.

"Save it Corporal, we've still got to find that hidden cache of Platonic Dialogues before the sun sets." says the sergeant. "And you two," he adds, pointing at the two Iraqis, "I don't want to hear any more about the use of reason as a primary source of knowledge." With that, the marines climb back into the HUMVEE and it speeds off.

The Iraqi farmer looks at the Iraqi shopkeeper with a resigned expression, but the shopkeeper is furious. He raies his fist and shouts "Curse these Americans and their empirical domination!"

Um... Er

I just watched the entire clip How to Kill a Mockingbird. And I broke my brain.

Bainbridge Stirs the Pot

Stephen Bainbridge, whose conservative credentials are better even than my sarcastic drunk credentials, fires one over the bow:

"It's time for us conservatives to face facts. George W. Bush has pissed away the conservative moment by pursuing a war of choice via policies that border on the criminally incompetent."

Ah Professor. I think you are getting all worked up over nothing. Yes, the Iraq occupation is something of a mess. Yes, Bush is having some minor popularity troubles right now, and yes, the conservative agenda has not made much progress in spite of conservatives enjoying leglislative, executive and judicial majorities. But you know what? I'm not packing up and moving back to the good ole U.S. of A. yet. Here's why: Who is in a position to leverage this unpopular war into an electoral smackdown on the Right? What's that, professor? You said: "The Democrats."?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Go find me a top Democrat who a) Was against the war from the beginning, and b) Is not a space cadet. Did you find one? I thought not. You see, my party is hopelessly compromised by the fact that most of us thought the war was a pretty good idea. The only Democrats who actively opposed the war are from the moon-child wing of the party. Hell, all we had to do last year to get the presidency from you guys was throw up an anti-war guy who was not an arrogant dick. Could we manage that? Nooooooooo. Not today's Democrats. We nominated a guy who prided himself on being a war hero and an anti-war protestor at the same time.

So rest easy Professor Bainbridge. Your conservative agenda will come, just maybe a little later than it could have. Granted, I think most of your agenda sucks, but I say the smart money is on y'alls team.

UPDATE: Fafblog thinks the same as me, only funnier-

BIDEN: Just like I told George Bush all along! I told him in the Oval Office, "You're gonna go in without enough troops and you're not gonna plan for the occupation and it's gonna be the biggest mistake of your presidency and I'm gonna vote for it!"

But I do not allow a woman to teach or exercise authority over a man...

Found at the The Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood:

Reflections on Ephesians 5 and I Timothy 2

"This make-up causes both men and women to be able to do many of the same things, but makes men "just right" for some roles and women "just right" for others."

Absolutely correct. And allow me to take this opportunity to remind someone whose English name rhymes with "Mynthia", that the role of Sandwich Bringer is one for which women are ideally suited, or in other words, "just right". Let us also note that nowhere in the article does it say that women are suitable for the role of ninja, bisexual or otherwise.

War, Oil, Politics, feh

Hawaii caps gas prices. If you think that having the government cap wholesale gas prices is a good idea, then I am very sorry to inform you that you are a big doody-head.

Why are price controls a bad idea? Go ask someone in Guandong.

Impending Badassity

Oh yeah! I'm going to get this video, and then I'm going to kick all kinds of butt in this city. Then I'm going to go back to Tampa this Christmas and get revenge on all those people who were mean to me when I was young! People in Tampa, you know who you are...

Look at just a few of the amazing techniques I am going to learn from this awesome video!

1. How to Crush a Man's Throat with the Softest Part of Your Hand!
3. How to Strike so fast and so Hard your attack will be Un-blockable
6. How to Strike with Maximum Force and Minimum Effort
10. How to Condition Your Body to Take Punishment as Well as Dish it Out
17. The proper way to deliver effective strikes to the testicles
18. How to deliver a head butt the right way with out knocking yourself out!
36. How to destroy your enemies' Attacks with Your Elbows and The top of your head!

Actually, I am not real comfortable with #10. I hope we can skip the "taking punishment" part and go directly to the "dishing it out" part. I especially like the second part of #6- "minimum effort". I'm all about minimum effort. And how about #36!? I'm going to be able to destroy my enemies' attacks with the top of my head!

August Issues

The article below is my bit in the August Taichung Voice
================================================


I was sitting at home playing Mech Assault on the Xbox, when the phone rang. My huge battle robot was doing a pretty good job of devastating the enemy city as I snatched up the receiver.

"Wei?" I said. "DIE SCUM!"

"What?" Lance sounded hurt and confused. "Why do you want me to die?"

"Not you" I said. "I'm playing Xbox." "TANKS? YOU CHALLENGE ME WITH TANKS? HA HA HA!"

"Karl, calm down." said Lance. "When can you give me the article for the July issue?"

"What's the topic?" I said. "BURN! BURN, YOU MISERABLE FOOLS!"

"The theme for July is theology."

"I'LL DESTROY YOU! I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE A MISERABLE INSECT!"

"Karl, stop playing Mech Assault and talk to me."

"I AM TALKING TO YOU LANCE! THEOLOGY!? You want me to write about THEOLOGY? Are you trying to get me killed? There will be angry mobs in the street clamoring for my head!"

"Now Karl, there's no reason to be worried. Just tone down the sarcasm, and try not to enrage anybody. Be sensitive."

"But? OK Lance, fine. I'm all about sensitive. I'll get right on it."

"Good. And don't mention robots or computer games. People are starting to complain. Deadline's tomorrow. Bye." And the line went dead.

I hung up the phone, and turned back to the Xbox in time to see my mighty battle robot go down to a combined attack of enemy helicopters and missile turrets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's get our definitions straight. The word 'Theology' is from the Greek [theos] meaning "God", and [logos] meaning "Inspires a lot of argument". It is closely related to the topic of metaphysics. The word 'Metaphysics' is derived from the Greek [meta] meaning "after" and [physika] meaning "a few beers this will make a lot more sense". Now that we're all clear on those points, let's take a look at how these are viewed and practiced in Taiwan.

It can be difficult for a foreigner to deeply understand local beliefs and religious practices in Taiwan. Riding around the city, you might think you've got a feel for it- you see Buddhist temples, Taoist temples, Tu di gong shrines, a Catholic church here, a couple of Protestant churches there, and earnest young Mormons on bicycles everywhere. Ask a few Taiwanese friends, coworkers or students what their religion is, and the most common answers are Buddhist or Taoist. Well actually, the most common answer is 'sleeping' [shui jiao], but keep pressing and you'll usually get one of the first two. You might also get the feeling that the person you are asking doesn't get asked that question very often. More on that later.

These initial impressions of faith in Taiwan are often misleading. The actual religion practiced by those who profess to be Buddhist is actually a combination of Buddhism, local folk religion, and Taoism. The same goes for local Taoists- and I still don't know where Matzu fits in. The third largest religion in Taiwan is I-Kuan Tao, which I assume is a kind of Taoism. It's got 'Tao' in the title, anyway. Taiwanese Christians will frequently make incense and food offerings to their ancestors or to Guan Gong (the god of business). We can deduce that when weighing the possible sin of idolatry versus the possible disaster of pissing off the God of Business, Taiwanese people take the practical route. The best example of this cultural tendency to blend aspects of various faiths can be found in the religion Tian De Jiao, an eclectic mix of Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam. I don't know if Tian De Jiao temples have statues of Jesus and Mohammed next to each other up in front, but if they do, I can take a pretty good guess that local Christians don't get too riled up about it. Expatriate Christians, on the other hand, are probably less than pleased with the arrangement. Local Muslims might or might not be too thrilled. I suppose I could head on over to the Taichung mosque in the Nantun district and ask someone, if I ever get around to researching these articles before I start to write them.

In the West, we don't see this kind of free borrowing and mixing of religious practices like we do in Taiwan. In North America especially, the trend is the opposite- so that there are now over 1000 denominations of Christianity in North America. That is kind of a puzzler to me. Not only can I not tell you the theological differences between say, a Methodist and a Presbyterian, but I'm actually pretty vague on differences in belief between Catholics and Protestants. Something about good works? The Eucharist? I don't know.

Back to Taiwan. So in addition to a fusion approach to belief and practice, let's look at the other striking aspect of theology in practice here: Respect and tolerance for different faiths that surpasses by far what we have been able to achieve in the West (or the Mid-East). This tolerance is more than just a self-interested notion that if someone believes the wrong religion, that's pretty much their problem. The attitude is more pervasive- in Taiwan, your religion is your business. There is not any kind of constant proselytizing, or perceived need to convert others to one's faith in Taiwan. So, if you do decide to start asking your Taiwanese friends what their religion is, you are probably going to get some funny looks.

Does this forbearance for different faiths stem from the fact that Chinese culture has made a leap over a philosophical obstacle that we still stumble over in the West? I mean, if God is all powerful, then we would assume that God transcends logic and reason. So, not only can God make a stone so big that he cannot lift it, he can make a stone so slippery that two plus two equals giraffe. Come on, He (or She) is God. The inconceivable (or logically impossible) is not a problem for God. God can (and as far as we know, has) made all religions true at the same time.

The Taiwanese seem to have figured this out, while the rest of the world stumbles along with religious condemnation, relentless proselytizing, and the occasional holy war. That makes Taiwan a great place for atheists, and a tougher ride for those who feel compelled to come here and save souls. The advanced attitudes of people in Taiwan towards religion makes converting them to a new faith very difficult. Consider our diligent Mormon missionaries- The LDS church has been in Taiwan since 1956. Total Mormons in Taiwan today: 38,735. There are still more Muslims in Taiwan (53,000) than there are Mormons, and I have yet to see a single Muslim missionary here. Of course, that could be because Muslims don't spend much time at PJ's or FM.

Both in theory, and in custom, Taiwan is way ahead of most of the world when it comes to the spiritual stuff. That's not to say that there aren't some odd religious practices here, but nobody really minds if you happen to believe something else. So the Taiwanese have invalidated my definitions of 'theology' and 'metaphysics'- theology does not have to inspire argument, and metaphysics can make sense even without a beer or two to help out. I suppose it's probably better that way.

The Pulse

Has hit the stands in Taichung. If I have my druthers, it will be a Taichung version of The Exile, filled with profane savaging of local figures and institutions. But I'm not the publisher, Lance is. I'm a 'contributor', which means I write for beer. I usually get compensated in bad beer, but that's ok since a) the stuff I write is not all that entertaining, and b) I'm not comfortable with beers that have things like flavor and alcohol content. Budweiser's good.


Links o' the day:

Database of North Korean Propaganda. 343 articles using the term 'Imperialist aggressor'. Well, what can you expect from a bunch of Communist Bandits?


The Gift of Democracy (The Ferrett)
Wow. Look at his comments. He's managed to piss just about everyone off- Right and Left alike.

Monday pain

Apparently, Bread has made it to Bozeman safely. I told him he should leave that blowgun here.


Adding to the list of great things we can't buy in Taiwan: Strawberry Milk Sausage


I have been called out. At basketball. By a Texan. Man, I hate basketball. Might be worth it just for the chance to inflict brutal fouls on J-Hole.

Treachery!

Some miscreant has put ALCOHOL in this beer! This is an outrage!

Chaon: 7
Blackcrusader: 6

Space, Time and Force

Hey Jim! The board suddenly gets awful small when one player has two Queens, doesn't it?

Jim? Where are you going? Don't be like that. I'll shut up now.

Burp

Chaon: 7
Blackcrusader: 5

Pieces are starting to sway a little bit. I think they've been drinking.

Blackcrusader says sceisse

I think that's a bad word in German. Don't know why he's speaking German. Should be speaking Taiwanese, eh Jim?

Game pi

Game. Chaon. Set. Chaon. Match. Chaon. And I don't care what your passport says, you were born in Austraila.

Booyah!

That's what I'm talkin' about. Losing in chess to an Austrialian. Whoever heard of such a thing?

Cool points score:
Chaon: 12,345
Blackcrusader: 7 (not very cool at all)

Game 6. Or maybe 7

Jim cheats. He keeps talking while we play. I am a serous chessplayer godammit. None of this endless banter during speed chess. Who would do that?

Chaon: 3.5
Blackcrusader: 3.5

Beers:
Karl: 4.5
Jim: 2.5 (Getting kind of red in the face, he is)

Game 5

FUCK!

Game 4

That is such BULLSHIT! What the hell kind of crap was that?

Chaon: 2.5
Blackcrusader: 1.5

Beers-
Karl: 3
Jim: 1.5

Game 3

I think this clock is broken.

Chaon: 2.5
Blackcrusader: .5

Game 2

Jim, it's called the Smith-Morra gambit. I believe you may find information on this opening in Modern Chess Openings page four or so.

Chaon: 2
Blackcrusader: 0

Liveblogging from Alishan

If there is some kind of international competion for the number of audio/visual remote controls in your house, Jim wins. I've counted six so far, most of them for electronic devices I have never heard of. I suppose the plethora of remote controls has something to do with the three satellite dishes on the roof (one is an impressive 14 footer).

Game one results:
Jim, why do you hold to this archaic concept the the queen is even remotely important? Like PJ says at the singles bar, it's all about position, baby.
Chaon: 1
Blackcrusader: 0

Beer results:
Karl: 1.5
Jim: 0

Weekend

I'm out of the Chung for the next 2 or 3 days. I have to go to Alishan and teach Jim Edstein how to play chess. Specifically, he needs to learn that White does have options for the first move other than 1. C3. The lastest tropical storm is zipping past Kenting as I write this, so I may have the dubious luxury of driving 1 1/2 hours up a mountain in the pouring rain.

If you are in Taichung tonight, do not miss the Mustache Party at 89K. There is no cover charge, there will be bands, and there will be, I assume, a lot of mustaches. I do hope that Chiang Kai-Shek's mustache is featured prominently somewhere, preferably alongside materials with which to deface it.

Errata

From Casper at Debunkers: Chinese Tongue Twisters

From Reuters: Kansas moves to stem role of evolution in teaching
I think this is a good thing. Mainly because I'm from Florida and I'm getting pretty sick of all the damn jokes. At this rate they'll come up with a Kansas tag on FARK, and Florida will look (in comparison) fairly sane and level-headed.



Happy Valentines Day.

Iran so far away

From The Telegraph: Iran has not passed the super-secret initiation, so they don't get to be in the Nuclear Weapons Club.

Well, a couple of years ago I supported the invasion of Iraq, and I didn't let a simple thing like a total lack of knowledge about the country or the culture get in my way. So in that spirit, I heartily endorse the upcoming whuppin' of Iran as well. To save time, we'll just re-use the rhetoric from 2003:

Iraq Iran is a good target for freedom. The people are ready.
Once Iraq Iran and Afganistan Iraq have achieved a system of self sustaining freedom the people of Iran Yemen will join them. Possibly even Pakistan.
Imagine a freedom domino effect spreading across the world. It would take time but I believe it is possible.
Why are the other "Western" countries resisting this course of action? Why is the left resisting this course of action? Is there some sort of aversion to the concept of freedom or does a long term goal elude their five year horizon?

(Note that this is not my rhetoric, but how ya gonna resist a phrase like "freedom domino effect"?

Catapult the Propaganda

Do not believe the Canadian propagandists! The true location of Hans Island can be seen in the map below:



This is an absolutely REAL map, and has not been altered in the slightest by anyone! Including me!

Hans island update

Lethal Hjemmevaernet troops have successfully driven off the marauding invaders. Photo below taken at Denmark's victory procession.

Things we learned last weekend

Curry shui jiao are possible, and tasty.
Ingredients: ground beef, jiu cai, ginger, salt, olive oil, curry powder.
Directions: Sit on couch reading a magazine while your wife does all the mixing of ingredients. When the ingredients are all mixed into that weird paste, go onto the balcony and have a cigarette while you wife does all the wrapping of the dumplings. When all of the dumplings are finished, go into the kitchen and triple boil them, about 15 each time in standard sized wok. Complain bitterly about how hot the stove is, how your back hurts, and how expensive the beef was. When all the dumplings are cooked, eat most of them, congratulating yourself on what a good job you did.


In other news, It looks like it's time for me to move back to Florida.


Lastly, we learned that Japan should not, under any circumstances, attempt to chase the U.S. Pacific fleet into the Atlantic ocean by going around Argentina.

War prophet earring

I have long dreaded the day when the gentle and peace-loving nation of America would be drawn into some horrendous international conflict by our bloodthirsty neighbors to the North. But now, it looks like that time is coming. With Canada's illegal and immoral seizure of holy Danish territory, Denmark shall be forced to marshal its forces to meet this malicious Canadian threat. So let's compare the military might of these soon-to-be combatants. All info is taken from the online CIA factbooks for Denmark and Canada, so we can assume it to be 100% correct to every detail. It's not like the CIA would ever make mistakes when reporting the military capabilities of a foreign power.

Denmark	Canada
Royal Danish Army	Land Forces Command
Royal Danish Navy	Maritime Command
Royal Danish Air Force	Air Command
Home Guard (Hjemmevaernet	Canada Command (homeland security)

(I apologize for the above. Either the Blogger html editor does not handle tables well, or I am not very smart.)

It looks like a draw, until you get to that last part. While 'Canada Command' sounds pretty formidable, there is no way it can be a match for something called Hjemmevaernet. I bet the Hjemmevaernet shock troops sport adamantium body armor and huge, double-bladed battle axes. And have massive, shiny horned helmets that shoot lasers. That is sure to have Johnny Canuck trembling in his tooque... tuke. toukke? Whatever that funny hat is called.

Hansaphatically

Well, NiHowdy seems too preoccupied with the wicked Canadian encroachment of sacred Danish territory to cover the important events of last weekend, so I'll pick up. Bread left on Saturday, and Friday night there was a get-together of all who know Bread to say goodbye. It was at the (name unknown) seafood restaurant down the street from FM. About twenty people were there throughout the night, and the shindig lasted long after the restaurant closed.

Sometime during that evening, I had a remarkable conversation with Elliot. Words like "fideism"*, "apophatically" and "cataphatically" were employed, and not by me (since I didn't know what any of those words meant). G.K. Chesterton was quoted (and not by me, since I didn't know who he was): "

If each man could live a thousand years, he would be either an atheist or a Catholic."

Now those of you in other countries may find this difficult to believe, but that is not the kind of late night pub conversation that usually occurs among drunk expats in this fair city. I was very interested in what Eliot had to say, but I was also very drunk, a state which often lends me to be interested in things like the sky, that guy's attitude, and the toilet. But when I woke up the next day and wasn't drunk any more, Eliot's ideas still seemed pretty interesting. Of course that could just be because that Chesterton quote indicates that I have a metaphysical headstart over a bunch of people. Anyway, upon a quick inventory of my knowledge of Catholic theology, I discovered that I know less about that than I do about most things. And I know very little about most things. Elliot was kind enough to follow up with an E-mail I had asked for, so I've got all kinds of stuff to look up this week.

* Doesn't have anything to do with FIDE. I checked.

Cage Un Chicken

Where can I buy shallots in Taiwan? I need them for the bearnaise sauce, which I need to make Chicken Pontalba. This is the problem with starting to cook stuff at the age of 38. You have to learn all this stuff that everybody else has already known for years. Look at the Pontalba recipe: "Water for poaching". I would be more comfortable poaching with a shotgun, to tell the truth. I mean, if I ever poached. Which I never have. So I'll have to learn to poach the chicken with water, which I suppose means sneaking onto a farm and drowning a few. Well, if that's what it takes, I'm up for it. Which way is the chicken farm?

The Londoner...

...has reopened. Somewhere near FM, if Mikey Mike is to be believed. I assume they'll have the satellite TV going on which they will broadcast that quaint game that is sort of like real football only less organized and without strategy. They call it 'olive ball' in Chinese. In English, I think it's called bugbee. Slugvee. Something like that. You know the game I'm talking about- it's the one that England always loses to New Zealand in.

The Bread Pool

As we all know, our beloved Bread will be leaving us at the end of this week. He'll be leaving for good this time, not like a couple of weeks ago when he left us to go travel in China, only to remember 5 days into his trip "Oh yeah! Traveling in China SUCKS!". At which point he promptly returned to Taichung and asked me if he could borrow my ip address.*

So at poker last Friday night, we discussed some of the difficulties Bread will face upon his return to the U.S. in pursuit of a graduate degree. To recap, he will have to deal with:

-Cigarettes that cost a bazillion dollars a pack, and the fact that if you dare light one in any location other than your basement, people'll stare at you like yer a leper.
-American conservatives; i.e., "We are fighting terrorists in Iraq so we won't have to fight them in another place until they're better trained and 9/11 to the war on terror so for Patriotism we'll have to give up some of the freedoms that the terrorists hate us for. "
- American liberals; i.e., "George Bush and his oil family cronies were involved with 9/11 planning and Karl Rove committed treason to fund Haliburton and there is a proven conspiracy between Cheney, Blair and the Illuminati to crush Democracy and did you know it takes all the water in Lake Michigan to produce enough beef for five hamburgers?"
-American women, who will (by and large) not be too receptive to Bread's only pickup line: "Hi there. I've got a condom with your name on it."
-American college students. American. Undergraduate. College Students. From Montana. Duuude, kegs! and like, whoa...
-and many other obstacles including but not limited to: paying taxes, Wal Mart, religious fundamentalists and The O'Reilly Factor.

Now while we all wish Bread success in his educational foray, we have to face facts: There is a possibility that he will say 'screw it' and come back to The Chung. And where there is possibility, there is probability. And where there is probability, there is gambling. As he has demonstrated in the past that he is conversant with Pragmatist philosophy, we can assume that Bread will not object to...

The Bread Pool

Everyone throws in NT$200, and picks a date for Bread's return to Taichung. Add a brief synopsis of the factors leading up to his return, 'cause it'll be funnier that way. Here's mine:

Dumb undergraduates + Patchouli oil + Bumper stickers + Montana winter= Return date of February 5, 2006.

Leave predictions in the comments. Pay me NT$200 anytime, but before Feb. 5 of next year.

* Really. That's what he said.

Monday chuckle, for geeks

This sent by Peter: Game Review of Chess

"This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical play mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp and exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings."

Pyramid Scheme

The ancient pyramids of Egypt. Awe-inspiring not only in their size and construction, but in their ability to spawn arguments and creative interpretations of reality...

A: They were made by aliens, you know.
B: No they weren't, they were made by ancient Egyptians with Alien technology.
C: Antigravity technology!
D: No no no! It was an ancient, lost civilization that mastered antigravity.
E: Using Ley lines!
F: That's not true. The 'stones' of the pyramids are actually made from a kind of concrete. The Egyptians used a formula (lost to us now) that allowed the softening and forming of stone. This one guy in Western Nebraska has almost replicated it.
G: Egyptcrete?
F: I guess he might call it that.
H: Haven't you ever read Edgar Cayce? The pyramids were built by Atlanteans!
A: ALIEN Atlantians!
I: The pyramids were actually large power stations.
A: For pumping water.
C: No no, the power stations fueled the anitgravity devices that made the pyramids!
E: With Ley lines!

Now, it looks like an eccentric old carpenter is pissing in everybody's Woo-Krispies. Link.

america hax

If World War II Was a Real Time Strategy game.
(Warning: language) (Knowledge of RTS games required)

Joke from Arkrow...

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in
the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young,

and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some under cover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Supreme Court Nominee

CNN Says that Bush has chosen to nominate John Roberts to the U.S. Supreme Court.

I need to know some more details about this John Roberts fellow, because his website is fairly lacking in detail. I don't even know what the word 'Apostolic' means. The spiritual gifts of GOD are great and all, but how is this applied to application of the Commerce Clause?

If you liked the DaVinci Code...

Then this might be right up your alley: Prince William is the Antichrist

I'm not getting too excited. When I was a kid, my Dad took me to see the movie The Late Great Planet Earth. Remember that movie? I sure as hell do, because I was like ten years old and the movie had pretty compelling arguments (to a ten-year old, anyway), that Armageddon was coming in the late 80's. It would have been a great time for Dad to give me a talk about skepticism and critical thinking, but he didn't. I think he believed most of what the film said. Anyway, the late eighties came and went, and instead of plagues and firestorms we had to endure hair metal bands. The Antichrist? Jon Bon Jovi.

Mainstream Media Screws up again

This is just ridiculous, and I hope the journalist responsible gets chewed out by a foul-mouthed, cigar chewing editor. To set the record perfectly straight: 1) I am not 6' 6", and have not been since I was 19 years old. 2) I do not wear gay hats. My hats are elegant and unique fashion statements that reflect my individualityismanity. And I'm not even a little bit gay, so there's no way my hats are remotely gay. 3) Nobody has ever, or ever will, refer to me as 'Ponce'. And if anyone ever does, I will snap my fingers and give them a stern talking-to.

Tool News

Eurotools has merged with Bahco. The result will be a larger and more unwieldy organization that will excel at getting its ass kicked by KS Tools even better than either company could individually. Merging a Northern European saw manufacturer with a Spanish wrench manufacturer, while keeping all five or however many brands the two groups sell under. Such an idea could only be spawned by a bunch of MBA's. Or consultants. I wonder if they are looking to reap merger synergy? I do hope they develop and implement an effective transition methodology, otherwise they will not have successful team alignment.


Also, Stanley is buying Facom. Good move on Stanley's part, and I'm not just saying that because last year I told reps from The StanleyWorks to buy Facom. No, wait a minute, that's exactly why I'm saying that. Now a word of warning for Stanley: You can't tell Facom anything about the tool business. They are Facom, and they are the most reputable brand in Europe, and 80 years experience and blah blah blah, and so on. And they won't listen to you, and they will keep doing things their way. Stubborn, stubborn French engineers. Good quality stuff though.

Dungeons & Dragons

Is Evil. Proof.

Boots on the Ground blog. A soldiers life in Baghdad. He got home safely in late June.

I wonder how common is this practice? Bad idea, buying candy to hand out to kids in order to "avoid things we wouldn't otherwise be able to avoid".

July in Taiwan...

...Sucks. Still. Always has, pretty much. Let's look at what we've got:
-Stultifying heat for the next three months, possibly broken only by:
-the occasional Typhoon as the Pacific Typhoon Season ramps up.
-Ghost month approaching, in which yer not supposed to swim, move house, or get liposuction.
-Half the expat population out of the country on vacation, the other half apparently moving to Puli. What the hell is going on in Puli that all these people are moving up there?

But look! On Fark! A link to Bisexual women "pressured to be lesbians"!!! Whohoo! That's right, not only are bisexual women pressured to become lesbians, but both bisexual women AND lesbians are pressured to send me pictures and detailed accounts of their experiences!