Wednesday, August 03, 2005

War prophet earring

I have long dreaded the day when the gentle and peace-loving nation of America would be drawn into some horrendous international conflict by our bloodthirsty neighbors to the North. But now, it looks like that time is coming. With Canada's illegal and immoral seizure of holy Danish territory, Denmark shall be forced to marshal its forces to meet this malicious Canadian threat. So let's compare the military might of these soon-to-be combatants. All info is taken from the online CIA factbooks for Denmark and Canada, so we can assume it to be 100% correct to every detail. It's not like the CIA would ever make mistakes when reporting the military capabilities of a foreign power.

Denmark Canada
Royal Danish Army Land Forces Command
Royal Danish Navy Maritime Command
Royal Danish Air Force Air Command
Home Guard (Hjemmevaernet Canada Command (homeland security)

(I apologize for the above. Either the Blogger html editor does not handle tables well, or I am not very smart.)

It looks like a draw, until you get to that last part. While 'Canada Command' sounds pretty formidable, there is no way it can be a match for something called Hjemmevaernet. I bet the Hjemmevaernet shock troops sport adamantium body armor and huge, double-bladed battle axes. And have massive, shiny horned helmets that shoot lasers. That is sure to have Johnny Canuck trembling in his tooque... tuke. toukke? Whatever that funny hat is called.


Sean Reilly said...

Karl, Karl, Karl.

Where to begin?

First of all it's a toque, which is French for cap, and Canadian for a warm, knit, woolen cap with a manly pom pom on the top.

Second Hans Island, despite the name (which is fairly Scandinavian), and the terrain (being more like Greenland than Ellesmere) is most certainly a part of the Great White North of the Dominion of Canada, and does not belong to the godless Danes. Look at a map for goodness sake! The question is not whether the Canadians are trespassing on our own lands but what the Hell are the Danes (or the Americans for that matter,) are even doing laying claim to Greenland?

The Vikings may have discovered Newfoundland in the tenth century but they didn't survive there; they perished or fled like little girls.

Third, while you say that Denmark and Canada are about evenly matched, you failed to mention the sheer distance of such an assault for Denmark, while for Canada, taking Greenland would be child's play. Empires from the Hittites to the Americans have discovered the maladies of fighting a far away war, fought in a wasteland. The Danes will simply be the latest to find this out.

Fourth, the passage from Denmrk to Hans goes straight through Iceland's waters. I believe that when the chips are down the Icelanders will side with Ottawa over Copenhagen, as Renvajik and Copenhagen have had some murderous Curling bonspiels (matches) over the years. Iceland will easily side with Canada over the question of Denmark acting in such an agressive manner so close to their beloved thermal springs, and may even help to facilitate the overthrow of Danish forces in Greenland, if not Copenhagen itself.

Finally, the Hjemmevaernet can go kiss my ass as they will be easy pickings for our Inuit spy network based in Nunuvit. I think you'll find that they were not included in your original assessments. Those guys ride narwal naked and wrestle polar bears and can track a fieldmouse across the tundra in the sunless winters.

Johnny Canuck won't be trembling in his toogue, tuke, toukke, or togue anytime soon.

Sean Reilly,
The Gentle Rant

Karl said...

Dear Sean,

I find it extremely poor form on your part to bring such things as 'knowledge', 'facts' and 'common sense' to my blog. Perhaps your toke is a little too tight around your head.

And while several points of yours may be correct in some obscure ontological sense, you seem to have overlooked the key issues: adamantium armor, battle-axes, and laser helmets. Therefore, the most prudent course of action for you and your would be to prepare for a lot of lutefisk dinners. Mmmm. lutefisk.

With warmest regards,
Karl Smith
Chewin in the Chung

P.S.: I like cheese.

Robin said...

Canada had a dispute with the Spanish fishing fleet a few decades ago.

It was a draw.

When Canada sent a handful of forces to Afghanistan, they had to pay the Russians to get there.

I figure that the Danes will have conquered one-third of Canada in a week and be dictating terms in Ottawa in a month.

BigEll said...

You forget that a handful of our forces in Afghanistan were bombed to death by American friendly fire. Much like Pat Tillman, except that only a handful of Yanks actually cared about the Canucks. If only they had been football players.

Daughter of Muse said...

Sorry if your boys got in the way of our friendly fire.
Perhaps tea ran a little over time.

Rachael Carter
Daughter of Muse

P.S. My feet hurt....

Red A said...

Bigell, we all care about the Canadian troops who were accidentally bombed by a doped up Air Force reserve pilot.

If you guys want payback, you could invest in some fighters or bombers who then could accientally bomb our troops.

Unless they got shot down first by friendly fire from a patriot like that British pilot.