Wednesday, August 23, 2017

First of all,

 "caramelly" is not a word. Second of all, even if it is a word, it is a very bad word and you should not use it.


Thursday, August 17, 2017

Note to Self



If you get a time machine, you need to go back in time and find 21-year old us. And explain to our stubborn lefty ass that someday we will really miss William F. Buckley.


I'm tellin' you guys


That climate change that does not exist is kicking Taipei's ass this summer.


Wednesday, August 16, 2017

30 Years Ago Today - The Harmonic Convergence


Now you youngsters won’t remember this, but 30 years ago today the world experienced the event known as the Harmonic Convergence. It was an exceptional time, and its effects have been profound and long-lasting.

Because of the special alignment of the planets and stars, peoples’ consciousness expanded like gas trapped in a rotting whale. We ate spiritual awakening by the bucketful. Unanticipated peace broke out in the vale and on the steppes, and several species uplifted and left the planet Earth entirely. That’s why you kids have never seen a striped spanner-bill dugong – they were one of the first groups to go.

In the southlands, the dead emerged from their tombs and danced wildly though the rain-soaked streets. They seemed to especially like the song “Little Lies” by Fleetwood Mac. In fairness to the dead, Tango in the Night was a very good album.  

As the preachers screamed “Eschaton! Eschaton!” in the churches (for that August 16 fell on a Sunday), the great cats of Madawaska, descendants of Bastet and Barong Ket, glided silently in their hunt for the evil witch clown Poleesheore (They never caught him – though it is unknown if he escaped through magic or stealth). It is said that late at night in the White Mountains, you can still hear those mighty felines howling in anger over their failure.

As that fateful day ended and our pupils shrank back to their normal size, the world started its slow return to normality. There was nothing we could do except put our clothes back on, say goodbye* to the glowing sea otters with whom we had been frolicking, and call work to say we wouldn’t be coming in the next morning. But we of Gen X remember that day and the changes it wrought upon our psyches.


* “wilujeung keur ayeuna

Wednesday, August 02, 2017

Once upon a summer time...

...while drinking away the days in the great state of Maine,

I witnessed two friends, and Illinoisan and a Nebraskan, get into a friendly tiff as to which state had the superior corn. So when I saw this video:


There was only one thing to do:



I'm the best there is at what I do. Unfortunately, what I do is pretty damn immature.

Friday, July 28, 2017

Yeah


I don't know exactly when, but around five years ago I started getting uncomfortable with South Park, and I couldn't precisely identify the reasons. They are crude and irreverent, but so am I. They don't seem to truly believe in anything, but I am about three beers and half a tab of acid away from pure solipsism on any given day. So why the feeling of unease?

Well, even though the author goes by the moniker of 'Academic Feminist,' and even though it's on Tumblr, this is worth reading all the way to the end.

Well I think....


...that Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon should star in a short film with me. I'll be the pizza delivery guy.


Monday, July 24, 2017

Moderate Winds


Wife: "What the hell are you doing? Is that a beer in your hand?"

Chaon: "Yes it is a beer. A mild barley-malt."

Wife: "It is NINE O'CLOCK IN THE GODDAMN MORNING!!!"

Chaon: "Is Taiwan in a state of decay?"

Wife: "What the hell are you talking about?"

Chaon: "Just answer the question. Is Taiwan in a state of decay?"

Wife: "No, Taiwan is succeeding economically, politically, and culturally."

Chaon: "Has Taiwan been subjugated?"

Wife: "What the FUCK are you babbling?"

Chaon: "Yes or no. Has Taiwan been subjugated in the last 24 years?"

Wife: "No, Taiwan is still free and independent."

Chaon: "You're welcome."


Friday, July 21, 2017

Diet



"your morning bagel is equivalent to eating five slices of bread."

So? What's wrong with eating five slices of bread? I eat five slices of bread all the time.
*looks down at belly*
Oh-hooooo! Well that explains a lot.


Thursday, July 20, 2017

What type of gourd are you?


Well *I* think that this is good information to have. Might need it for a job interview or something.