Perils

You may have a vending machine at your place of employment. You may sometimes purchase drinks from the vending machine, using coins from your pocket or purse. Sometimes, when you are hurried, distracted, or perhaps horrifically hungover, you may press the wrong button. When that happens, you do not receive the drink you wanted. And the drink you do receive may be unpalatable, like a diet Mr. Pibb or something. And you might curse your misfortune by yelling "CURSES!", and shake your fist in anger at you sorry fate.

I say, you live in luxury. Because when I press the incorrect button on the vending machine at my place of employment, I get this:



The back of the can reads "Chill, shake and serve'. I'm going to chill, shake, and throw it at Michael Turton.

Hello, my name is Chaon and I ride a bicycle

...but I don't use patchouli oil.

Things that are almost as good as riding my bicycle:

1. Looking at my bicycle
2. Talking about my bicycle
3. Watching television programs that feature people riding bicycles
4. Cheese

Certified

What took you so long?

I'm not very good with computers.

Tanyashen Bike Path

No motorcycles, no cars, and no ox carts.



Gasping geeks spewing snot and phlegm and curses all over the place evidently still allowed. Thank goodness.

Chronology

Bad Food and Beverage Ideas from Chaon:

2001 Rice wine & Coke cocktail

2004 Leek Dumplings fried in bacon grease

2008 Tofu Etoufee

2010 Sashimi-Wasabi-Oyster Sauce Grand Slam Breakfast

Doing it wrong

Some things translate badder than other things:

In view of the shortcomings of the prior art, the inventor of the present invention, based on years of experience in the related industry to conduct extensive researches and experiments, finally developed a torque wrench eliminating all of the drawbacks in operation and production of the conventional products and the prior structures. Meanwhile, the convenience and the practicalness of the invention are ensured. This is the primary object of the invention.

Wait a minute. The plot of the movie Avatar concerns a freakishly tall guy living in an alien land, where he adapts to the local culture to the point where he rejects the rapacious greed and militarism of his own people? That is just *not* a very interesting story at all. Trust me on this.

Printer Errors

"Dammit! Who is the idiot that sent the same print job to the printer twenty times, and every single print set at the WRONG PAPER SIZE, making the printer hang and causing every other person's print job to be lost on the restart?"


*Karl sidles out of the room, avoiding eye contact with everyone*

"SHIT! What fool forgot to press the 'fax' button, and instead just tried to make 22541399 copies of... A PATENT CLAIM SHEET KARL YOU FUCKING MORON..."

*Karl tries to jump out the window. But the window is closed, and Karl just bonks his forehead on the glass pane before falling into a heap on the ground, arms and legs akimbo.*

"SHITFUCK! Who tried to print on a bunch of paper that was STAPLED TOGETHER? NOBODY could be this stupid!

*Karl hides under his desk*

Tattoo Mishaps

In Latin.

(I'm personally going to go with Stercus accidit tattooed on my foot)

Role model of the week

Raise your glass to Mr. Jump out of a third-story window and draw your sword to take on twenty cops. Could only be better if he were wearing a large buccaneer hat.

Right

So there I was in this hallway right?

Big Mountain Bikes in Taichung

If you are looking for an extra-large mountain bike frame in Taichung. Go talk to the guys at Author. Their store is on No. 923-1 Ta-Tun Rd., right near Jingming Yi Jie (Tea street). The brand is Czech, with only a few dealers in Taiwan. Company website is:

http://www.authorbicycles.com

Large bicycles
23" MTB
XXL mountain bike frames

You say your life is gonna make you die

Falco fucking died? That sucks. Nobody ever tells me anything.

Consarnit Bill

PartiallyClips

Old Memes are the Best Memes

Hitler Finds Out Scott Brown Won Massachusetts Senate Seat

Found in today's e-mail deluge- Security Level Advisory

Current security levels:

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Fuck Off" to "Let's get the Fuckers" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "fuck, I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Cross off another one

Things I can still do:

Cartwheels
Thrash hard on a skateboard
Eat all the onion rings I want
Wreak havoc in the mosh pit

Roll down grassy hills for fun (01/16/2010)
Push ups
Play blitz chess
Remember where I live
Dress myself

Offended

I think the USPTO is trying to tell me something:




How dare they call me a chipmunk?