Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Questions of our time

Well, er, uh... is the answer... "didactically?"

(Trust me, I don't really have any idea what you are trying to say)

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Religious Doctrine

The doctrine of the Octonity (from Latin octotas "eightfold") defines God as eight consubstantial persons, expressions, or hypostases: the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, the Matriarch, the Bodhisattva, the Force, the Dancing Goth, and the Pirate; "one God in eight persons". The eight persons are distinct, but also exist as one "substance, essence or nature". In this context, a "nature" is what one is, while a "person" is who one is. 

Monday, November 10, 2014

The Great Leader Instructs

"Watch me, Comrades. You have to swirl it in a semi-vigorous manner, but not violently. You want the ice friction to cause a chain reaction of cold, but you don’t want to bruise the gin. And if any one of you thinks it's OK to make a Martini with vodka, I'll have you shot."


Thursday, October 30, 2014

Tales of Horror


Offered in the spirit of Halloween:

The doctor’s office was cold, so cold that I wished I’d worn a sweater vest or maybe a scarf. The paper covering the examination table crumpled further as I nervously shifted position. The doctor entered the room and closed the door.

“Well Mr. Smith, you’re in pretty good shape for a man your age. But you've got an elevated PSA level, and I’m going to have to examine you further.”

“PSA?” I asked, as my heart started beating with fear. “What’s that?”

“Prostate-Specific Antigen. Your score could indicate prostate cancer.”

A drop of nervous sweat dripped down the side of my face. In a voice half-hopeful, half-whimpering, I asked “So you’re going to do an X-ray or an MRI or something?”

The doctor’s laugh could only be described as satanic. “HAH HAH HAH, no. This will be more of a… digital test. HAH HAH HAH.”

Terror surged through me. All I managed to say was “But, but, but…”

“Exactly!” said the doctor through a malevolent smile, as the rubber glove snapped into place on his hand.


Why in the hell...


...did I just find out about this today?

Oh I see, it's a soccer team. That's why.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014



I think maybe you should get a hobby or something. I mean, some other hobby than your current one.

Friday, October 24, 2014

"The light from sensible will not reach Roca Labs for several generations."

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Breaking News

This just in: Chinese archaeologists do not quite understand how marijuana works. Details at 11:00.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Monday, October 13, 2014

Honk Kong protests

I swear, the protesters' greatest weapon is CY Leung's daughter. Every time people get tired and figure it's time to go back to work/school, she manages to rile everyone up again.

Though for the record, I am strongly in favor of Leung Chai-yan suing the Daily Mail for libel. English defamation law is bullshit, but so is the Daily Mail.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

Dear Carrefour

Tensions between your forces and the Armies of Chaon have been dangerously high of late, but I have good news. Last year's unpleasantness, referred to as the "Guacamole in a jar incident", can now be safely put behind us. Today, your organization has more than redeemed itself with the "Hollandaise sauce in the tetra pack box transaction".

I look forward to mutually beneficial, long-term cooperation in the future.