Fill in the blank

With the graphic below, Google has hurt the feelings of the ____________ people.

History of Slamdancing

That's a new one...

Dear Email Owner,

This is a personal mail directed to you. My wife and I won Ј148.6 million in the Euro Millions Jackpot in August 2012 and have voluntarily decided to donate Ј 700,000.00 GBP to you as part of our own charity project to improve the life of 10 lucky individuals all over the world. If you have received this email then you are one of the lucky recipients, get back to us with your details so that we can forward it to the payout bank who will transfer your own part of the donation to you.

You can verify this by visiting the web pages below.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2012/aug/14/british-euromillions-jackpot-winners-revealed

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-19254228

Yours Sincerely,

Adrian & Gillian Bayford Charity

Email: AdrianGillianBayford01477@ukcharity.com

The Prodigal Son Returns

Soon. But not without some trepidation...

Epic Tale of Fail

Gather around children, and I will tell you a tale. It is a tragic tale, one of hubris, and struggle, and defeat of a hero. Listen carefully and take heed, for I will speak of the day that Chaon was defeated in the kitchen.

Yes, that Chaon. The one who tamed the legendary ironskin chuck roast with a combination of heat, pressure, and arcane herbs. The Chaon who broke the vile and inedible vegetarian bacon on the dark stone of his culinary will, making it part of a delicious risotto. The Chaon who mercilessly mocked Jamie Oliver, not for his incomprehensible English, but for his overcooking of all fish entrées.  

What is that, child? You want to know what kind of vile thing could overcome such a champion? I will tell you, but you must be strong. It is not our way to cry out in fear, or horror. Do you all remember when I told you about… sorghum liquor? I see that you do. Stop whimpering, we are safe in this place. The wicked Formosan alchemists of Black Bridge keep, who hate everything that tastes good, contrived to act against all that is right in the world by mixing sorghum liquor into a sausage. To compound the evil, they then mixed in a potent sweetener, probably corn-syrup based. Let it not be said that Chaon did not know what he faced, when handed the box by a well meaning mother-in-law.

Chaon contemplated for two days, and then took action. Some say that he believed that the essence of the sickly sweet sorghum liquor sausage was still meat, and thus amenable to spices used to season meat. Others say that he was confident that by slicing on the bias, and searing in a pan with the correct oils, that the taste bud ruining flavors could be overcome, if not entirely expelled. We know for sure that Chaon summoned garlic, cayenne, and cumin, and also many traditional peppers. It is not known if he applied sage.

What we do know is that Chaon failed. The sweetness was not sufficiently diminished. The diabolical blend preserved its taste of putrefaction and broken dreams. And it is believed that it was this day that shattered Chaon’s confidence in himself, as well as his faith in preserved meat products.

Nephew: "Hey! This tank has reached the American president's house. The Chinese army is not that strong."

Me: "Let me see that box...

...wrong building, but you got a good eye for detail, kid."

Some people say...

... that there is no true evil in the world, just varying perspectives combined with shades of culturally-influenced morality.

This is my refutation of that view:

Chaon refers to Irish using racial slur

Chaon, in an interview released Thursday, referred to Irish people by using the derogatory term “filthy drunken riff-raff.”

“My family had a ranch. We used to hire 50 or 60 of those filthy drunken riff-raff and — to pick rutabagas,” Chaon said in the interview. “You know, it takes two people to pick the same rutabaga now. It’s all done by machine.”

In a statement released late Thursday, Chaon said that during the interview, “I used a term that was commonly used during my days growing up in central Florida.  I know that this term is not used in the same way nowadays and I meant no disrespect.”

In his statement, Chaon said Irish workers “play an important role in America’s workforce, and earlier in the said interview, I discussed the compassion and understanding I have for these workers and the hurdles they face in obtaining citizenship and sobriety. America must once and for all tackle the issue of Irish immigration reform.”

Underbelly

Recipes from Chaon

Cook the five-grain rice in chicken stock

Stir in ½ tablespoon of butter

Add the mixed vegetables and marrow-fat peas

Slice the chorizo and slowly stir it in

Grab a handful of mozzarella cheese and throw it in the pot

Yell this: “God damn it all to FUCK! Why is the cheese MOLDY? Son of a BITCH!”

Use a spoon to try to remove all the moldy and now melted cheese from the pot, but fail

Use jalapeno jack cheese instead, hoping that the jalapeno flavor will mask the mozzarella mold tang that has been assimilated throughout the dish

Serve with wheat bread and kiwi juice. Eat in stony silence.

Yeah

What does happen if you smoke catnip?

Ha!

More tools

I wonder if Snap-On in Taiwan has a huge credit operation like the U.S. parent does.

Tools

Use a can of spray paint, and you are a vandal. Use a chisel, and you are a devoted follower.

Hipster Hate

Never really understood it before, but I'm starting to get an inkling: