Thursday, March 23, 2017

Sears


Stanley Black & Decker Acquires Craftsman Brand from Sears

From Wikipedia:
"(Sears CEO) Lampert is an avid follower of Ayn Rand and has used elements of Rand's philosophy to guide his biz decisions."

Let's see how that's worked out for him:


About as well as Objectivism works when applied to anything else, apparently.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Regional Dialiects

There is a large variance in the names for things across different parts of the United States. For example, in southern states you might hear people call this device:


a "turn signal," but likely as not we would just call it the "blinker." However, in states like New York and Massachusetts,  there is no English word for this device, because the people there do not know what it is or how to use it.

My Life


This video pretty much sums it up:


Saturday, March 11, 2017

MAGA


Y'all want to make America great again, you're going to need to get yourselves some of this.


#nofoodsogoodthatyoucantfuckitupbyaddingtaro

Tuesday, March 07, 2017

Network Troubleshooting


When troubleshooting a network problem, it is important to remember that most issues can be traced back to the 'physical' layer. So if you cannot ping an Ethernet switch, for example, the first step towards solving the problem is to physically pick up the switch and slam it up against the wall while yelling "HEY! I'm TALKING to you, you stupid piece of crap!" This lets the switch know that you are not at all fucking around.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Office Dialogue


Coworker: What's difference between a "Contract" and an "Agreement?"
Me: You pay lawyers to read Contracts
Coworker: Then who reads Agreements?
Me: Nobody

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Drops of Youth


Dear Body Shop,

Now I'm not saying no, but I have a few questions:

1) How many youth are harvested to make one bottle of 'youth concentrate'?

2) Are the youth slaughtered using humane methods?

3) Are the youth free range? I don't use factory-farmed youth concentrate products.

4) I'm assuming that the youth are rainforest-friendly. What certifications does the Body Shop hold to show compliance in this area?

5) Do the youth contain ractopamine? This is an important issue because the Americans eat pork with ractopamine in it, and it has made them all go crazy.

6) How much youth concentrate should I drink to eliminate male pattern baldness? How about benign prostatic hyperplasia?

7) If I overdose on youth concentrate, will I become a youth myself? Or will I turn into a fetus? A Spermatozoon?  A glint in my father's eye?



That's it, I give up


Any joke I think of turns out to be real and ten times worse.


Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Subtext


In the movie The Princess Bride, when Westley says "As you wish," what he really means is "I love you."

In the movie The Empire Strikes Back, when Boba Fett says "As you wish," what he really means is"Stick that finger in my face one more time, and I'll disintegrate you, you goofy-looking robotic motherfucker."


Macedonia


"Our country is not in too bad a shape, but our transportation infrastructure needs work. Both road and rail systems need significant upgrades. How should we go forward?"

"Well, the first thing we should do is spend a couple million Euros on a huge statue of Alexander the Great."

"Brilliant idea!"


Wednesday, February 15, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

A bunch of people are pissed about this Bannon-Baghdadi graphic from Fox News.




Everyone can calm down now, I fixed it.


Thursday, February 09, 2017