Ganked from The Ferrett, The Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab's Lovecraftian... perfumes? colognes? essences! including:

YOG-SOTHOTH

The perfume of eternity in vast, unknowable space. A glittering oil, ephemeral, iridescent, and horrifying in its immeasurable emptiness. This is the scent of air and darkness.

Well, first there was the candles that smell like Jesus, and now this. If there is money to be made, I'm gonna get right on it. Soon, available from this website only, readers can purchase:

MUSK OF CHAON

The lustrous, cloying scent of stale Camel Filters tinged with the pleasant aroma of a Budweiser freshly spilled down the front of your shirt. The delicate odor of sweat-permeated combat boots, with the wholeness encompassed by a cologne stolen from China Airlines' San Francisco-Taipei route.

Bottled in the finest Windex spray bottles, with almost all of the original label scraped off. Order now by Paypal or Credit card!

This is my contribution to the May issue of The Taichung Voice, without the heavy-handed editing that was exercised by the Geographically-impaired:



So I was reading the March issue of The Taichung Voice, with the articles about a possible Chinese invasion of Taiwan, when inspiration struck. I immediately tracked down Voice editor, Lance:

"Lance! Lance! I have a great idea for an article in the May issue! You have covered the prospects of an invasion of Taiwan, but now we need to warn Taichung residents of an equally dangerous threat. And I'm just the guy to pen the writing of the necessary warning!"

"Fix that last sentence. And what's the warning?" Lance said.

"The chance of Taichung being attacked by Ninja Robot Dinosaurs!"

Lance shook his head, "That's ridiculous. How could a robot dinosaur even wear a ninja mask?"

"But..." I was rather crestfallen. I had a Pulitzer-winning story here, and my big break was getting shot down by this J. Jonah Jameson wannabe.

Lance went on: "I'll tell you what, Karl. If you want to write something for the May issue, why don't you write a nice, informative article about things to do and not to do in Taiwanese society."

"You mean, like taking your shoes off inside, and not pointing at the Moon?"

"Yeah. Do something informative and thoughtful like Kevin Fitzpatrick does each month. Just try not to use the word 'postmodern' so much. And what do you mean you're not supposed to point at the moon?"

"It's true." I said. "If you point at the moon then the moon will become angry and cut your ear off."

Lance stared at me for a moment. "What kind of dinosaurs?"


There are all kinds of cultural tips to offer about that which should be done, and that which is taboo (or at least frowned upon) in Taiwan. If you have ever read a travel book on Taiwan, or if you have been here for more than a week, then you are already familiar with a handful of these. Let's first go over those that most people know: The chopstick thing.

You may not stick your chopsticks into a bowl of rice so that they stick up looking like rabbit ears from a 70's television set. Doing so makes them resemble incense the way it is used in a funeral rite. This is more than just impolite, it is forbidden. By everyone. So don't do it. While you are not doing that, you should also not be pointing your chopsticks at anyone. No death similarities here, it's just not polite. When eating rice, you might as well go ahead and eat every last grain of rice in the bowl. This is not even a question of polite or impolite, it's just that local lore says if you leave grains of rice in the bowl, you will end up with a pimply-faced spouse. What is more likely is that you will get lots of jokes about getting a pimply-faced spouse, which is probably more aggravating. And while you're are still at a dinner table somewhere, remember that while your mother used to tell you to keep your elbows off the table, in Taiwan it's better to keep your elbows on the table. What will draw disapproving glances is having one of your hands under the table, like in your lap. If one hand is under the table, then you have no way to push off the table and run away if you are suddenly attacked by a black-masked, metallic velociraptor.

Gifts are more important in Taiwan than they are in... wherever you are from. Gifts are given to show courtesy and respect, and to strengthen an existing relationship. So in addition to birthdays and holidays, it is often appropriate to bring gifts when you are visiting someone at their home. If the recipient refuses the gift at first, keep trying. They are just being modest. Good gift ideas include liquor, tea, cigarettes, candy, and as near as I can tell, anything with red bean in it. Just keep in mind a few thumbs down items when gift shopping. No clocks. The Mandarin for "give a clock" sounds like the words for "attending a funeral". Scissors and knives are not good gifts, probably because ninjas use knives, and the sound of scissors is ominously close to that of stealthily moving robots with long teeth. Additional things not to give as a gift are towels, handkerchiefs, umbrellas, straw sandals and green hats.

There are certain things that you should not do at night in Taiwan, and beating someone outside of Chubbies is only one of them. Do not whistle at night, and do not clip your fingernails or toenails at night. Both of these things will bring ghost visitations. These injunctions may seem to be closer to superstitions than to what is considered polite behavior, but in Taiwan it is often difficult to draw a clear line between the two. Sleeping at night is fine, but not with your feet facing the door. If you sleep with your feet facing a door, then your position resembles that of a corpse which is to be carried out. And as you're starting to pick up by now, things that resemble anything to do with death are shunned.

In social situations with Taiwanese, you will often be offered cigarettes if you are a man- not so often if you are a woman. You are not obligated to take one if you don't smoke, but there is sort an unwritten assumption that you will not grimace in horror as you take your first puff of a Long Life yellow. If someone is offering to light a cigarette for you (and it doesn't matter if it is a cigarette they gave you or one of your own) hold at least one hand up to cup the end of the cigarette and shield the flame. Do this even if shielding the flame is not in the least bit necessary. While sitting and smoking, or chatting, or whatever, do not bounce your leg up and down no matter how bored or nervous you are, or how much coffee you have had that morning. Many Taiwanese believe that if a man jiggles his leg like this, he will shake away all of his money and become poor. If a woman does it, then she is perceived to be cheap. And I don't mean thrifty. If a ninja robot dinosaur is shaking his leg, that means he is about to use kung fu and his robot sword on you, so you must be careful.

So after reading this, you should be well equipped with the knowledge to function smoothly, politely, and most of all safely (you know what I mean) in Taiwan. If you find yourself in a situation where you are not sure what to do, just ask someone. It's better than embarrassing yourself or your hosts, and it's a lot better than having ghosts follow you around wherever you go.

Oh yeah. And take your shoes off when you enter someone?s house.

One of the following statements is not true:

*I have an ear infection.

*I turned 38 years old on Sunday.

*Sandra Bullock found out that I am married and entered a convent in despair.

*Poker is cancelled this Friday night. Drinks for all at Two Tigers starting nine-ish.

*Cynthia now insists that everyone refer to her a Bisexual Ninja, except her Mom, who will still call her Ah-Fen.

*This blog is the number one hit for Google searches of Lares Shrine.

Italian journalist gets thwacked driving towards a roadblock. Bummer for the Italians- but it is a war zone.

Someone in the Pentagon doesn't know how to use Adobe Acrobat- No biggie.

Checking the shoulda' been redacted information: Hellacrapamunga!

"From 1 November 2004 to 12 March 2005 there were a total of 3306 attacks
in the Baghdad area. Of these, 2400 were directed against Coalition Forces."

Eighteen attacks a day on coalition forces? In just the Baghdad area?

Stupid War Shit.

I'm not gay. I mean, all of the readers of this blog know me, and can attest that I am a powerhouse of manly macho non-gay masculinity. If fact, I'm pretty sure that anthropologists refer to me as "The Alpha-Male of Taichung". Because I am so not gay and all.

So what in the hell is wrong with all of these internet quizzes?


or:



or:




or:

You are EXACTLY 40% GAY.

Now lets evaluate your quiz results:

Please be careful with this Valuable information as you are too young to be taking this test.

Not so good score. You are not gay, but at this point, other people start to have a hard time seeing that you aren't gay.


You know, seeing these malicious lies being put forth by some irresponsible web people makes me so angry I could weep and stamp my foot.

Here are the links to the quizzes, in case you are um.. curious:

Channel 4's Gay-O-Meter

How wicked gay are you?

The "How Gay are You" Test

The Burly Adventurer

Faxtoons.com Gay Quiz

From Fark:
Woman convicted of rape.

The man testified that he fell asleep on a sofa and woke up to find the woman performing oral sex on him.

Well, I bet that man was dressing provocatively and leading the woman on.

This post never existed. You may think that there had been a post here, but you are mistaken. And it turns out there is no such word as 'titsplitter' anyway.

Ya know, I'm not generally a big fan of Donald Rumsfeld. Someone will ask him a hardass question, and he will "Goodness gracious" and "Folksy homily" his way out of it. But let it not be said that I don't give credit where credit is due. When Daniel Inouye started political posturing by bringing up the possibility of conscription, Rumsfeld said:

"I think the only people who could conceivably be talking about a draft are people who are speaking from pinnacles of near-perfect ignorance."

Pinnacles of near-perfect ignorance. Oh Donny boy, how I wish I had said that.

And for young Americans who are concerned about the possibility of a draft, there are two key points to keep in mind. 1) Donald Rumsfeld does not want a draft. He already got in trouble last year for saying that with all the deferrals, the draft did not make an effective military force in Vietnam. Pissed a bunch of Vietnam vets off. 2) If you are a young American, go join the Air force, or the Coast Guard, or the Peace corps. Do not come to Taiwan. If you are looking to avoid war, Taiwan might not be the best place to be for the next couple of years.

A message to Lance (Of The Taichung Voice) and Paul (Previously of The Londoner and soon to be of The Londoner II?), from Dan "Master of Subtlety and Understatement" Ritco:

The longest f***ing river in North America is NOT the f***ing Mississippi River. It is the f***ing Mackenzie f***ing River in f***ing Canada. Any f***ing geographer who's f***ing degree is worth the f***ing paper it is f***ing printed on, knows that the length of a river is measured from it's source to it's mouth, without f***ing counting the f***ing tributaries. Your erroneous opinions on this matter simply demonstrate that you are a ****** ** ********* ******** ********** *****. Please research and adjust your views accordingly.

AJ and Sian have opened a branch of the My Warm Day breakfast chain. It is located at No. 111, Zi Li Street. That is near the intersections of Lin Sen and Wu Chuan Rds. Contact me if you need further directions, because it is kind of a pain to describe how to get there. Coffee is good and in big cups. I'm working through the breakfast menu and will report later.

=====================================================

Remember the Anti-Japan protests in China last week? Here is a video of a Chinese woman who got caught driving a Japanese car near one of the protests. Linked from the Peking Duck, who has done a good job of following these events.

Dangerous hackers out there. Be careful.

Might even be funnier in German. Don't know. Don't speak German.

Just to show that the Taichung blogosphere has disturbing shades of Orwellianism, the news missive that was here has been replaced by this delightful link:

The Aracta Eye Police Log

Back in Taiwan from Minneapolis. Minneapolis is still better than Tampa. And Houston. I got deposed, along with my company's General Manager and our Sales Manager. I got to sit in on the other two depos, acting as a representative for our firm. By the rules we were working on, that was ok, though if I had been opposing counsel I would have insisted that the guy who is going to sit in as the corporate representative get depo'ed first.

There were three attorneys present for the opposition. The one that questioned me is The Devil. I fear The Devil, because he is about three times smarter than me. And he is smarter than me in the area where I am strongest, which is the mixing of being glib and analytical in dialogue to maximum effect. I guess that was probably for the best though- If I thought he was a dork, than I would have been more inclined to let him know what is what. And when you are geting deposed, you are not supposed to tell the questioning attorney what is what. You are supposed to shut up and answer his questions as briefly as possible.

So, I got deposed for a total of five and a half hours, and they could have had seven total. So I'll take that as a good sign.

AJ- I brought back $100 worth of Kodiak Wintergreen. Bread- I have two cartons of Camels, no wides. Ah-Di, I got the Glucosamine chondrate for Mom. It's not all that cheap in America either.

Liberty University Reprimands and Consequences

From last Friday's A & A game, during setup:

"Honey, look in this bag and find me an American submarine."

[Cynthia hands me a piece]

"That is an aircraft carrier! How can you not know the difference between a submarine and an aircraft carrier?"

Cynthia: "I don't know. How can two huge middle aged men spend so much effort playing a game that involves pushing little plastic tanks around a cardboard map?"

Me: "This is WORLD WAR II! This is IMPORTANT!"

Her: "This is the most immature thing I have ever seen in my life."

I tell ya, women just don't understand anything.

Local business check: Is it true that The Londoner has closed its doors for good? If so, where are Taichungers going to go for cricket, rugby, bad pizza, FES*, and other staples of British culture? Was it a victim of **** *** *******'s campaign to clear out the competition before opening his own pub? Wouldn't an appropriate name for such a pub be **********? Yeah it would.

Tonight, the peripatetic menace known to the world as Malv shall meet his demise over the Axis & Allies board. This is the new version, with destroyers, artillery, victory cities etc., but since neither of us have any idea how the game dynamics have changed with the new pieces and rules, there is no advantage to either side. The only important fact is that Malv has absolutely no chance of winning, evidenced by his being a bald Republican. No way am I going to lose to a bald Republican. No Way.

On this blog, I seldom talk about what books I'm reading and my thoughts on them. You don't care what I'm reading, and to be honest, I don't have that good of taste in literature anyway. I am departing from this tradition because the book I am reading right now demands special commentary. I am reading The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown. Here's the commentary: It is shite. (that's a quaint English way of saying 'shit'). The fact that it made the New York Times Bestseller List is comforting only in that it tells me that there are people out there with worse taste in books than me. If I start smoking again in the next few days, I'm gonna blame this book. Or maybe Malv.







* Failed Empire Syndrome. Don't even ask.

8 days and something. How in the hell do you people go your ENTIRE LIVES without smoking? If you don't smoke, you can get bored! I haven't been bored since 1988, at least until until last night at the airport when I was waiting for our customer to arrive. Waiting for two hours is no problem with a pack of cigarettes. If I have smokes and a book, I can stretch a wait into four hours before starting to wonder: "When is this person going to get here?". Last night I had no smokes, and the book I am reading is The Davinci Code. Long wait indeed.

This weeks theology discussion will center around the growing threat of Unitarian Jihad.

We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary.

Heh. And heh again. Reminds me of the only Unitarian joke I know:

An eccentric man purchases an expensive Lamborghini sports car and decides that such a fine car should be given a religious blessing. The guy drives around town. First he stops at a Catholic church and asks the priest to bless his Lamborghini but the priest asks, "What's a Lamborghini?" Same response from the rabbi at the synagogue and from other religious leaders at their respective houses of worship. Finally, in a last ditch effort, the man pulls into the driveway of the Unitarian Universalist church, where he chances upon the UU minister exiting from her car. "Nice Lamborghini!" the UU minister exclaims. "Thanks," says the man, "I was hoping you might give it a blessing." The UU minister replies, "What's a blessing?"

5 days, 19 hours, I don't know how many minutes because it is Sunday morning.

Disregarding Aaron's advice, I went to poker with a few Budweisers under my arm and a pack of gum in my pocket. I should have listened to Aaron. Not that I started smoking again, but I was unfortunate enough to witness our cherished poker game get utterly wrecked by the rude stupid newbie brought to the game by Pimp. Any single attribute (rude, stupid, newbieness) is acceptable in itself, but combine all three and you've got a guy who doesn't know the rules, can't understand the rules when you explain them, and insists that the way he and his friends play is the only right way and the six of you have no idea what you are doing. I left at 11:13pm. Pimp, if you brought that blockhead to chase me away from the game to make sure I didn't start smoking again, then Thank You. If not, then what in the hell were you thinking?

In the news: China Protestors Attack Japanese Targets. The government of China thinks that by allowing these protests, it can pressure Japan while at the same time letting the Chinese people direct their frustrations toward an outside target. I have seen this before, and that shit's gonna backfire.

4 days, 1 hour, 30 minutes. The Renegade grows desperate. Unable to wreak havoc on the parts of the brain which are functioning normally, with its regular vandalism mercilessly crushed by the gothic apparition that is the Dark Mage Wellbutrin, The Renegade turns to subtle trickery. "You hunger. Eat more." it whispers.
"I can't be hungry, I just ate a whole pizza." I protest.
"The flavor of the food. Savor it. How long has it been since you tasted such subtle flavors?"
"Well, maybe just some ice cream..."

The Renegade: You swelter. This oppressive heat is unbearable."
Me: "It's like this every year. Taiwan is a tropical country."
"A bead of sweat trickles down your neck. So hot... Miserably hot."
"It does kind of suck that the cool Spring we've had won't last longer. It is pretty damn hot today."
"Nicotine is a vasioconstrictor, and makes you feel cooler. You can make the terrible heat go away so easily..."

3 days, 2 hours, 4 minutes. Me and the Dark Mage are having a pretty good time hanging out. He sits upon a mound of ancient silver artifacts, precious gems and golden weaponry, while his swirling dark robes occasionally obscure his pale countenance. He carries on a muted conversation with someone called The Oneiromancer, and only pauses once every five hours to reach into my skull and silence The Renegade. I'm just chewing gum and trying not to shake.

Monday afternoon at the China Medical College, discussing Wellbutrin with Dr. Lin:

Dr. Lin: The mechanism by which it supresses the urge to smoke is not clearly understood.
Me: You're saying you don't know how it works.
Dr. Lin: Yes, but I like my way of saying it better.

I think I can shed some light on how the Dark Mage Wellbutrin accomplishes its task. You see, when you go from a pack a day to zero a day, and then hit say, the 36th hour of not smoking*, there is a part of your brain (I do not know which part) that goes insane. It smashes bottles on the parietal lobes. It runs through the frontal lobes screaming and singing We Built this City at the top of its lungs. It pees on the hypothalamus. It spray paints gang signs on the temporal lobes, then runs down the basal ganglia to throw Snap 'n Pops as far down the spine as it can.

Then Wellbutrin arrives, in a cloud of mist and with Disintegration by The Cure playing in the background. With an impossibly long arm and a chainmail sheathed hand, Wellbutrin seizes this renegade part of your brain in an icy grip, and says:
"You shall be silent."
Maybe it is an arcane majik, or simply pure terror, but the renegade portion of the brain that has been raising hell in your head shuts right up. For about 5 hours.

*Sometimes the 8th or 14th hour.

Jack McDowell is a Saint among men. All who meet him eventually come to worship the very ground upon which he treads. Jack is kind to puppies. He is a world-class eclaire chef. Jack is so moral and upstanding that he has never, ever, in his whole life, done anything that could be even remotely considered untoward.

Spent last week in Minneapolis, meeting with newer, stronger, more lethal counsel. The impending destruction of Easco Hand Tools is imminent, and I shall in all likelihood dance upon the smoldering remains of their manufacturing facilities, dispensing milling machines and forging presses to homeless shelters and orphanages around the country. In other news, Minneapolis is a much better city than Tampa. Or Houston. And the Mall of America is... very American. In both good and bad ways. I was able to buy an Axis & Allies game there, so there will soon be a great wailing and gnashing of teeths and maybe some beating of breasts as the poseur tacticians of Taichung are confronted with my strategic mastery. This is as it must be.

In world events, the pope died. Like the Ferrett, I am conflicted to see a good man, but one with whom I do not agree on a single issue, pass. (Though to be fair, both the Pope and I seem to agree that the War in Iraq sucks. Not sure the Pope said it that way.) Contraception is good, and the Pope's efforts against it were not. That's not to say the Pope was a bad guy- nobody is right all of the time. Except Harry Dean Stanton in Repo Man. He was always right.
So nobody is hatin' the Pope right? Wrong. This was posted by John Kershaw on Fark:

I'm sorry to all the Catholics on this thread, but something simply must be said. It must be said for your own good.

John Paul II was not admitted into heaven today. Today, he began his eternity elsewhere.

The Catholic Church is the church of the Deceiver. For some time I believed JPII to be the Antichrist himself. Granted, I was mistaken, and he was simply a very bad man and a false prophet. But nonetheless, he participated in and led the deception of billions here on earth. Because of his deception, billions will suffer as he will.

His participation in the destruction of Communism, and his opposition ot the Liberal Stalinist Agenda does not redeem him. Neither will good works save any of you, Catholics. Only the Blood of the Lamb can save you from the fires of hell.

Damn. And people are coming down all hard on us atheists for disrespecting systems of beliefs that we think are silly. But it takes a Theist to come along and declare that God's representative on earth is burning in hell. I'll tell ya' what: Y'all believers in God get your houses in order (and this will involve dunce caps surgically grafted to the heads of guys like John Kershaw), and when that's done I'll personally round up all the commie-pinko nonbelievers out there and put them in a big tent for a grand ole revival, barbecue and water balloon fight.
NOTE: "House in order" implies not only taking care of the kooks and moonbats, but also eliminating some of the more egregious contradictions like "I support a culture of life. And the death penalty. At the SAME TIME." 'Cause that kind of thing makes the commies take long drags on their clove cigarettes, sniff in disdain, then turn their berets away in disgust. And we'll never get them (us) under the tent with that kind of thing going on.

======================================================

Lastly, to prove that I love suffering, I am quitting smoking. Again. Yes, I know- I will fail spectacularly in about 4 days. The only difference this time is that in addition to the patch, I am taking Wellbutrin(TM). My intitial hopes that the Wellbutrin part of the cessation program might kick in the added benefit of getting me kind of high (it's an antidepressant) have gone unfulfilled. Maybe I'll take ten of the tablets, grind them up and snort them. That might make me forget about smoking for a while. In the meantime, let the cacophonous burning begin. Condoleo ergo sum.

If anyone reading this blog lived in Taichung in the early 90's, then you might remember Kristi Anderson. Funny, smart, vivacious, trilingual, practical. Blonde and beautiful and quite a sight as rode around the city on her big DT trail bike. She was my first roommate in Taiwan, and we both worked at Jordan's English School.

Kristi was in Galle, Sri Lanka on December 26, and died in the tsunami. There is a relief fund in her name managed by Give2Asia.

Typical day going on here. Today's schedule is:

7:45am- Arise from dusty crypt. Lumber. Lurch. Pick up eyeball and stick it back in socket.

8:10am- Brains! Must have brains! Groan. Shuffle.

9:30am- Chat briefly with ghoulish environmentalist from across the graveyard. Wave to hideous spectres (ACLU members) seen on the street.

9:55am- Pick up hand and stick it back on arm.

10:20am- Brains! I bet there are brains at the mall! The bodies with the living brains (Brains!) always seek refuge in the mall. I don't know why. Shuffle towards mall.

11:00am- Get run over by pickup truck driven by man wearing John Deere cap, while an overalls-wearing passenger blasts my fellow anti-life abominations into bits with a Mossberg 12-gauge. As my head pops off my body and flies up into the air, I see the back of the pickup truck filled with fuel, food and firearms. Sigh. Some brains are harder to catch than others.

12:30pm- Find my head. Put it back on.

3:00pm- Find rest of body parts and re-attach. See flames in the distance in the direction of the mall. Sigh. I need FRESH brains not cooked. Brains!

4:00pm- Write essay arguing that capital punishment is immoral because it not only violates Kant's Categorical Imperative, but fails in a practical view to achive its desired effect. Draw parallel between military ethics and intuitive morality on the treatment of war prisoners.

5:45pm- Must have brains! Eat brains to end hunger! See university. Big, bloated juicy brains at university! Stumble, shuffle and stagger towards university.

6:00pm- Curse this hated soulless existence! I went the the university's Cultural Studies department. There are no brains here! Brains!

6:05pm- Head over the the Physics department. Brains!

6:20pm- Dusk.

7:00pm- NOOOO! Horrifying blood-sucking vampires (labor lawyers) have arrived and are carrying away the last bodies with the fresh brains! Brains! Must have brains!

7:30- Return to crypt. Hunger.

Yo! Roy Weatherford! Remember that time back in 1991 in your Epistemology class when I said that American Pragmatism was a great philosophy- You can wake up every morning and decide what you want to believe that day the same way most people choose what color shirt to wear? And then you called me a smartass? Yeah you do. Well I gotta let you know professor, reckoning is near!

a bill that aims to stamp out ?leftist totalitarianism? by ?dictator professors?

Now I don't know about your being a leftist, but you are a Democrat, and in today's America that is close enough.

Professors would also be advised to teach alternative ?serious academic theories? that may disagree with their personal views.

THAT'S what I'm talkin' about! And who will decide what is a serious academic theory? Not a bunch of dictator professors, you can be assured of that.

So the upshot is that I am going to get rich as soon as this bill is passed. In addition to the legal armageddon I'm going to unleash on Dr. Weatherford, I'm also gonna sue:
-The geology professor who mocked my arguments that the world is flat
-The physics professor who would not acknowledge my position that the speed of sound is faster than the speed of light
-The music professor who laughed when I said that Gary Numan is the greatest songwriter of the twentieth century

And let's remember: When we talk about frivolous lawsuits, the word frivolous means medical. And I'll sue any English professor who disagrees with me.

Skeptico is locked in a patriarchal, logicentric oppresive mindset of Western culture. The fifth apple is a synergistic consequence of Gaian collective auras.

I really should be able to work the phrase "elite power structure" into the criticism of Skeptico, but I'm kind of busy today.

This in from DJ Pressplay: Candles that Smell Like Jesus. Probably selling better than Candles that Smell like Karl would, but you never know.

And from Red A: Fashion Takes a Vow of Chastity. I admit to being a bit confused about this:

"Thomas, a practicing evangelical Christian and never-married mother of three, vowed in 1999 to remain abstinent until marriage."

How hard can it be for a 39-year old mother of three to remain abstinent?

=============================================================
A lot of blogs are talking about the Terry Schiavo case. The legal case and public outcry is what those of us in the manufacturing industry professionally refer to as "An Unholy Hell of a Mess". But this case has prompted me to contact my lawyer and prepare a living will. Unlike some, my will does not have a provision that if I fall into a persistent vegetative state, and Tom DeLay comes within a hundred miles of me, I am to turn into a zombie and rip his fucking head off. (Thanks apostropher)No, my concerns are much more practical: If I fall into a vegetative state, how in the hell am I going to smoke? They can pull the feeding tube if they want, but I better damn well have a nurse at my side 24 hours/day to put cigarettes in my mouth and light them. And I am assuming there are two tubes- one for feeding and one for drinking. That drinking tube doesn't come out no matter what, and no deviation from the accepted list of fluids will be tolerated.

Too weird. A couple of weeks ago, I had one of those vivid dreams- the kind where you wake up kind of confused and not sure where you are (I'm assuming I'm not the only person to have these kinds of dreams.) Anyway, in this dream I was in the army again and in Iraq. I think I was protesting that I didn't know how to drive a Humvee or something- the details have kind of faded by now. But I do remember waking up and thinking: "That's ridiculous. I'm too old to join the army now. The cutoff age is 35." Turns out I was wrong on a couple of counts, the cutoff age was 34, not 35, and the army has upped the enlistment age to 39 (For the Reserve and National Guard)

Now I am not particularly enamoured of the idea of serving in Iraq, but let's see. I turn 38 in five weeks... If the U.S. has a go at North Korea between now and say, December 2005, then I could head back and bust through training in time to help out. And I bet they'll need Mandarin speakers. Even better, I got my degree in the intervening time, so maybe I could be an officer. Hell yeah, Second Lt. Smith. I wonder if the food has gotten any better since the eighties?

From mtv.com news:
Study: Teens Who Pledge Virginity Try To Bend The Rules

Poll finds they're more likely to have tried anal, oral sex.

Well, given my tendency to make snarky comments about Foxnews, I suppose some derision is due to those who take MTV news reports as gospel. But the article does inspire some questions:

The rates of oral and anal sex among people who planned to stay abstinent until marriage are higher than among other teens who have not had intercourse at all, according to the study, published in the April issue of the Journal of Adolescent Health

Namely, where exactly ARE these teens who are more likely to engage in oral and anal sex? And what can I do to start a National Abstinence Clearinghouse chapter in my city?

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Funny video- Monkey harasses tiger.

Received: March 21, from charlesbrown123@yahoo.co.in
=================================================
Attention please! Strictly confidential!

Greeting,

With all due respect, I guess my letter will not embarrass you, since I have no previous correspondence with you. Strongly believed, I would not regret approaching you in this matter. I am Mr. Charles Brown, a solicitor at law and the personal attorney to late Mr. Francis Fichelle, a French national. Late Mr. Francis Fichelle is a private oil consultant/contractor with the shell petroleum development in Saudi
Arabia, herein after shall be referred to as my client.

I have a very urgent and mutual business relationship to propose to you On Sunday 26 December 2004, at about 0100 GMT, an 8.9 magnitude earthquake occurs on the sea floor near Ache in northern Indonesia. This earthquake generated a huge Tsunami wave, hitting the coasts of Indonesia,Malaysia, Thailand, Myanmar, India, Sri Lanka, Maldives and even Somalia.

Unfortunately, my client and his wife with their three children lost their lives in the devastation caused by the earthquake and tsunami that hit many part of Asia and east Africa. Since then, I have made several enquiries with his country's embassies
to locate his extended relatives, but this has also proved unsuccessful After these several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to personally contact you with this business partnership proposal. I have contacted you to assist in repatriating a huge amount of money left behind by my client before they get confiscated or declared unserviceable by the finance and Security Company where this huge deposit was lodged.

The deceased had a deposit valued presently a $12,000,000.00 million us dollars twelve million united state dollars) and company has issued me a notice to provide his next of kin or beneficiary by will, otherwise the account confiscated within the next ninety working days.

Having been unsuccessful in locating any of my late client relatives for one (1) month now, I am now seeking your consent to present you as the next of kin/beneficiary to the deceased so that the proceeds of this account valued at $ 12 million united states dollars can be paid to you It is not necessary to be a blood relation to late Mr. Francis Fichelle, neither is it necessary to bear the same surname with him. It is even not important for the stand-in next of kin to be a French national.

Already, I have worked out modalities for achieving my aim of appointing a next of kin as well as transfer the money abroad for us to share in the ratio of 50% for me and 30% to you, while we will collectively donate the remaining 20% to Tsunami Relief Course.

It is my intention to achieve this transfer in a legitimate way, all I required is your honesty and co-operation, confidentiality and trust to enable us see this transaction through. The money transfer paper work itself will include a certificate of origin so that the receiving bank does not ask question.

Also the paper work will include proper certificate that the fund being transferred is from non-criminal sources. In short this will be a proper and legal money transfer with apparently no risk involved. The transaction is guaranteed to succeed without any problem.

As soon as I hear from you, I shall provide you with further clarification that you may need. Your urgent response will be highly anticipated and appreciated.

Best wishes,

Mr. Charles Brown.

Note: in the event you are not willing to assist, kindly notify me to prevent me from making further contact
=================================================
The reply:

Dear Mr. Brown,

I was intitially suspicious when I saw your E-mail, but the fact that you share a name with one of my favorite literary characters of all time allayed my suspicions.

Regardless, your proposal is not entirely reasonable. A fairer distribution would be 50% for me, 30% for you, 10% to the Tsunami victims, and 10% to the charitable organization "The Adepts of Chaon".

I await your sincere reply.

Karl Smith

FM's official third anniversary party was Saturday night. All the hot women in Taichung were there, and I'm not just thinking that because my wife is in Holland. I had a nice conversation with <********> (Name redacted upon transmitted incantation from the Servants of Cthulhu). He confirmed that SOME GUY WHO NOBODY KNOWS beating was the result of his NOTHING TO SEE HERE MOVE ALONG. He also said (indirectly, and in more words) that METHUSELAH was definitely responsible for the TOO MUCH STARCH IN MY SHIRTS, and that WOLVERINE has little patience with foreign organizations that he cannot control. <********>'s information is from first hand experience with all of the events of this week, but I dare not write more lest I find a shadowy, squidlike creature in my closet when I go home tonight.

On to bigger and better things. This year's Spring Scream is April 1 - 5. It doesn't look like I'll be able to make it, which is too bad. Last year's Spring Scream was a blast, involving chess, mud, nudity, and my cute little wife drinking until she threw up. Hat tip to Rye Guy.

Lastly, here's a list of 13 things that don't make sense, according to New Scientist magazine. I was enjoying the article until I hit the Belfast homeopathy results. Woo! Woo, I say! Woo!

BEATING UPDATE: There was no beating. Go away.

I like deer a lot. I do not like to eat deer. Deer are a very cool animal. In my class we read about deer. I hope we can get a lot of them. I hope you can make a deer tracks. Deer are a very cool. I like deer very much. I like baby deer to. I would like to have one baby deer. If I had a deer I would like it very much. I hope I can see a baby deer this time. I like deer because they can run fast very fast.

In other news, Canadian Roman has finally left today, ending one of the longest visa overstays I have heard of here in Taichung (9+ years). He was going to try to fly out of Kaohsiung airport, with the idea that they would be more lenient than CKS. I predict: 3 days detention and lifetime ban from entering the island.

YOU WILL PLEASE TAKE NOTICE that at 9:30 a.m. on Wednesday, April 13, 2005, at the law offices of <*********************************> (Redacted upon polite request from the Discordian Society) the Plaintiff will take the deposition of Karl Smith, by a court reporter, upon oral examination before a Notary Public or some other official authorized by law to take depositions. The oral examination will continue from day to day until completed.

Dicks.

The Eccentric Uncle at the Wen Hsin Rd. Jade Market (Note: The Jade market sells not only jade, but various minerals, antiques and jewelry):

"Fake"

"Cheap stuff from Brazil"

"I can buy 100 of those for $20 from a Nevada wholesaler"

"Tha... WOW LOOK AT THIS" (Followed by a 45-minute examination of some rock.)

Translating for the Eccentric Uncle for six days was not too difficult, but I did run into a fairly specialized Eccentric Uncle vocabulary that I had no idea how to say in Chinese:
Carnelion
Jasper
Sedimentary rock
Pyrite
Cone shells (yuan zhuei ti bei ke seemed logical, but it only drew blank stares. Perhaps because normal people don't talk about cone shells all that much)

The Eccentric Uncle on Betelnut Girls: "Oh my God!" (Followed by numerous attempts to photograph betelnut girls from my car as we drove past.) For someone who takes an awful lot of pictures, Uncle seems kind of vague on the concept of shutter speed.

Eccentric Uncle on the Oceanic Museum and Aquarium near Kenting:
"It's much better than the one in Osaka." In other news, there is an Aquarium in Osaka.

Eccentric Uncle is on a plane back to Marin County. More on the antics of the Eccentric Uncle in Taiwan later.

A lanky old guy with a blog
Had nothing but gossip to flog
The complaints started pouring
And the story was boring
And there is still no God damn word that rhymes with 'titsplitter'! Screw limericks anyway.

Anthony Flew once said:

You cannot ... transmute some incoherent mixture of words into sense merely by introducing the three-letter word "God" to be its grammatical subject.

That may or may not be true. However, you can make sense of an otherwise incomprehensible anecdote by introducing the past perfect progressive form of the word "drink".

Well, this neighborhood went to hell in a hurry. Looking out on the back 40, over the junked regrigerators and the '87 Honda Accord up on concrete blocks, what do I see but Ni Howdy. Well, they better keep their damn dogs off my property, that's all I can say. Looking at the graffiti on the walls of this newcomer, some of the names look awfully familiar. Awfully familiar indeed... Hey! I know those tenderfoots!

And look! They are writing in catchy colloquialisms to try to hide the fact that they are a bunch of effete metrosexuals! Don't be fooled dear readers. Those guys put the sh is 'sissy' (they slur their words a lot, if you get my drift).

Curse IKEA and their crappy Made in China furniture. There exists particle board, and then there exists particle board that sends big chunks flying out when you take a drill to it. The only benefit is that there is little sawdust, just glue speckled lumps of wood everywhere. So cleanup is easier.

Curse Robert L. Arnold and his Reversible Ratcheting Tool with Improved Pawl (U.S., 10/286603). And double- nay! thrice-curse the Hand Tool Design Corporation, with their foxlike wiles and tarantulalike ethics.

Curse the man who first conceived the foul concept of adding bourbon to Coke and serving this monstrosity to human beings. The skull, it burns.

Curse this alleged DHCP server and it's unwillingness to hear the electrical pleadings my Acer sends forth.

Curse China and the folly of the proposed Anti-secession law. Curse the Chinese exhibitors at the Asian Sourcing show for their vile swarming of the free buffet offered at the end of the first day of the show. Curse the embarrassment felt by all the other Asian exhibitors, as each was impelled to perform some action or make some comment to let all present know that he/she was not Chinese.

Things they have in Germany that kind of surprised me:
Mall rats
German rappers
TV Preachers
Guys with mullets
and at least one TV preacher with a mullet

Travel trips from Chaon:
When you are in Germany, and yer a guy, and you have to use the bathroom, you'll find the bathrooms and see one marked as damen. As much as that word looks like "da men", it is not in fact the mens restroom. So don't walk in there, 'cause you'll be embarrassed.

When you are standing on a street corner looking lost, you will often be approached by friendly looking German people offering help. They will give you directions in their best English to the place you are trying to find. This makes it seem that Germans are a courteous and helpful folk. This is not true. They will intentionally give you WRONG directions, because they want you to die in the freezing snow of their archaic city. Then they will use your flesh to make bockworst. This must be the case, because how else could I have wandered around lost in Cologne for an hour, totally unable to find the shoe store that was right around the corner from the subway station? Treacherous Germans.

I arrived in Frankfurt the same morning as George W. Bush. Security here was nuts Wednesday morning. Three highways were closed. The local Opel factory was closed for the day. In certain areas, people had to disassemble their mailboxes and bring them inside. No cars were allowed to be parked on the streets on potential transport routes, if you didn't get your car out of the way in time, the government towed it and the owners got to pay 300 Euros to get their cars back. I appreciate the maximum security provided for my visit by the German government, but there has been a universally negative backlash by the locals, who pretty much got their city shut down for a day.

How to destroy the Earth
Destroying the Earth is harder than you may have been led to believe.
Ganked from Apostropher.

It's not so often that you find a harsh critic of feminism or women's studies who acutally knows anything about feminism or women's studies. Well, here's one. (WARNING, offensive language)

Off to Germany shortly. Will be gone for 10 days, then assembling a buttload of IKEA furniture when I get back on March 5. Stay safe and missile-free, Taichung.

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Quando finisce la partita, i pedoni, le torri, i cavalli, i vescovi, i due re e le due regine tutti vanno nello stesso scatolo.

I always thought I enjoyed a comfortable expat life here in Taichung. But I guess I really should move up to Taipei:





Sizzling night life indeed. Is that the kind of thing that is going on at Carnegies these days?

The Skeptics' Circle. Sort of lacking in profanity and the word "woo" for my tastes, but still a good read.

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Time to get out the checkbook and send Tom Tancredo some money. Can I do that, even though I'm registered to vote in Florida? (not Colorado) If I had more money, I'd send some to Ileana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Florida), Rep. Mark Souder (R-Indiana), Rep. Edolphus Towns (D-New York), and Rep. John Shimkus (R-Illinois), the other sponsors of the bill. Hey! Why is there only one Democrat in this 'bipartisan' resolution? Oh yeah, I remember! My party only stands on principle when it is politically and financially convenient!

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In other news, the U.S. Navy will commission an attack submarine- The Jimmy Carter. Kent finds that to be kind of weird, and wonders if the Navy will subsequently commission a Mahatma Ghandi aircraft carrier, or a Jeanette Rankin nuclear missile cruiser. Well, is this any more incongruous than a Ronald Reagan library? What they should do, is whenever the Navy wants to commission a new ship, they should put the bidding rights on E-bay, like they are doing now with stadiums. Evidently Fark.com bought the naming rights to some stadium, so I expect that hilarity will shortly ensue. So the navy could do this for all of their boats, raising cash and letting the American people feel further vested in the military. I'd max out all my credit cards to get a Karl Smith Joint Command Ship. But the damn squids would probably come up with some kind of clever navy slang for my boat, like the Listing Drunkard.

Best headline of the year so far on Fark: Maryland approves biology textbook without creationism. Also examining geography textbooks without Atlantis, physics textbook without ESP

And now for the bad news: China military buildup threatens US forces: CIA chief. Please don't forget to tip your Porter.

Oh well, so much for my converting to Islam (click on Chess). Not that I was planning on it anyway, but I guess I can definitely rule it out now.

You know what you don't hear too much about here in Taiwan? Muggings. We have all kinds of crime- cars stolen, houses broken into, even the occasional alcohol or drug-fueled vicious beating. But not many muggings (assuming that purse-snatching is not mugging). Anyway, it turns out that the weekend before the Lunar New Year, Adrian (he hangs out at La Terrasse sometimes) got mugged outside of a 7-11. Got whanged in the head by some kind of bat, lost his watch, kept his wallet.

In other news, a couple of weeks ago there was this report, claiming that Abstinance-only sex education programs were not working in Texas. Whether this says something about abstinance programs, or Texas teenagers, I will leave for my learned readers to decide. But if the two links below are the kind of abstinance-only materials they are using, I think I can see why they are having problems.
WARNING! Offensive material in links below! Don't click!
Sex is for Fags
Iron Hymen

A while back there was some kind of fuss about the White House paying some commentators to advocate certain positions that the White House wanted advocated. I could not see anything particularly pernicious in that. As I understand it, the people who received money were conservatives anyway. I guess the fact that it looks like tax dollars were used for this might upset those of you who pay U.S. taxes. But if yer gonna get upset over $240,000 paid to a journalist, go Google "tobacco buyout" and look at those numbers. Yer head will asplode.

Then, there was this thing where this guy was getting a daily press pass and lobbing softball questions at the president. And the president like always picked him first or something. But he wasn't a real journalist, just some guy who ran a conservative web site that copied and pasted content from other conservative websites. So he was a plant of some type. Now, I have a limited supply of outrage, and I'm not about to go wasting it on something like that. Journalistic integrety you say? What am I gonna do, get mad because a guy who is not a journalist doesn't have any? Get mad at the White House for using a plant in the press corps? Seems like a pretty good idea to me. If the people watching the press conferences can't figure out that this one guy keeps posting rhetorical bail for the prez, then serves 'em right for being maroons.

But then, the twist: The press corps plant is a MALE PROSTITUTE?!?!?!?
Here is a link to the americablog post with the details, but please note that it is not exactly safe for work: http://americablog.blogspot.com/2005/02/man-called-jeff.html

Dude. The Hoax-a-meter immediately put on his work gloves and jump boots, and started doing calesthenics in the living room. The Woo-dar took a baffled look at some of the "United States Male Corps" material, shook his head, and went back to playing X-box. The Lefty Partisan opened the lid of his coffin, chuckled a bit, then asked for a cup of hot tea.

Well, if this is true, (and the hoax-a-meter is now doing one-armed pushups on the balcony) does that mean that the Republican platform is now going to be simultaneously against gay marriage, but in favor of gay prostitution? And if I want to get a White House press pass in the future, do I need to be a gay prostitute first? How much money do gay prostitutes make?

===============================================================================
UPDATE: The alleged male prostitute / press corps plant is Jeff Gannon, a.k.a. James Guckert, a.k.a. theconservativeguy, of theconservativeguy.com.
He has axed the index page to his site, but for some reason has left all the other pages up, which are easily Googled out:
Here is Jeff Gannon on:
Why we need to invade Iraq
The Oklahoma City Bombing
McDermott's Remarks Treasonous

McDermott boldly asserted that "I think the president would mislead the American people" in order to bring about war with Iraq.

JeffGannon

Lunar New Year Break: some stuff going on but I'm not spending enough time on the computer to write about it. Things we have learned in the last five days:

-In spite of kicking the scales at about 225 lbs, and enjoying a rather formidible tolerance for alcohol, Karl can not, in fact, drink 18 shots of brandy without serious repercussions.

-The treatment for a concussion is rest.

-The question of whether humans are basically good or basically evil can be answered simply by observing a two year-old child. Evil, evil little monsters.

The Funker-Hearse. Dude...

There is an interesting discussion going on over at Debunkers, Is addiction a disease? I don't think it matters if addiction is a disease or not, but I'm kind of digging in my heels over the idea that curing addiction is just the addict choosing to stop partaking. Addiction may not be a disease, but it is a lot more than just someone getting sloppy.

Our company's wei ya is tonight. My psychic powers predict that there will be drinking involved.

Chess is still on for tomorrow night at Salut, after which I shall dispatch myself forthwith to IKEA and then to the foothills of Wufeng.

Doctrine of Laches:

Based on the maxim that equity aids the vigilant and not those who procrastinate regarding their rights; Neglect to assert a right or claim that, together with lapse of time and other circumstances, prejudices an adverse party. Neglecting to do what should or could, have been done to assert a claim or right for an unreasonable and unjustified time causing disadvantage to another.

Laches is similar to 'statute of limitations' except is equitable rather than statutory and is a common affirmative defense raised in civil actions.

Laches is derived from the French 'lecher' and is nearly synonymous with negligence.

In general, when a party has been guilty of laches in enforcing his right by great delay and lapse of time, this circumstance will at common law prejudice and sometimes operate in bar of a remedy which is discretionary for the court to afford. In courts of equity delay will also generally be prejudicial.

So exactly how much time are we talkin' about when we say "great delay and lapse of time"???

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Cash givaway from Chaon the Munificent:
That's right, I am giving away... Oh I don't know... maybe TENS of dollars to one lucky reader of this blog. All you have to do, is send me a published example of a traditional box wrench head, showing an annular groove on the inner periphery of the head, preferably with a C-ring or similar device installed in the groove. This could be from something like a patent, or a catalogue, or an advertisement, and... just to make it interesting, let's say that the sample must be published before, say, January 2004. And it cannot be a ratcheting wrench with a gear wheel. It's like a contest and game together! And you could win money! And I'll buy you many beers! We'll call it the... Great Anterior Works of Aesthetic Value Search! And don't forget, the winner gets REAL MONEY!

www.iownjoo.com is my image host. And they are crapping out big time. So like many boggers out there, I am playing with flickr.

Test Flickr Daily Zeitgeist:

There are occasional difficulties with being an extreme skeptic. Like when I see a site like this, I have difficulty discerning whether or not it is a hoax:

"The Rapture Index has two functions: one is to factor together a number of related end time components into a cohesive indicator, and the other is to standardize those components to eliminate the wide variance that currently exists with prophecy reporting."

Upon reading that sentence, the Woo-dar got into a heated argument with the Hoax-a-meter, the argument ending by the Woo-dar putting the hoax-a-meter into a hammerlock. Then I had to take some more aspirin.

So it's not a hoax. There is an index to measure events likely to precede Armageddon. One factor is apostasy. Another is Liberalism. Both Iran (Persia) and Russia (Gog? What the heck is a Gog?) are in the index. So I would assume that if a Russian or Iranian liberal experiences apostasy, then that is sort of a Rapture trifecta.

But I don't understand the inclusion of Oil Supply/Price and Arms Proliferation. Certainly I am no Bible scholar, but I've read the Bible and I don't remember reading anything like this:

And thus did Jebediah secure a mighty rate for his pots of oil. And Lo! Jebediah did approacheth the chariot of the Gog guy. And there did he (Jebediah, not the Gog guy) purchase many Kalishnikovs, and thus did he skirt the arms embargo of the confederated kings.

But I might of missed it. Right now I'm trying to figure out which of these factors I might be involved with. The occasional betelnut chomping might get me in on Drug abuse. My disrespect for things like the The Rapture Index may be seen as Anti-Christian (though I would prefer to get lumped in with the Ecumenism folks). But since a Google search turned up the existence of a group called the Adepts of Chaon, I'm going to aim high and go for The False Prophet. Aaron, I'll leave Financial unrest to you.

Two weeks ago I got an all-areas DVD player. (They are selling them at the DVD store across from Nova for NT$3600). So now I can buy DVD's on Amazon and watch them at home, as opposed to previously, when I would buy DVDs from Amazon and have them collect dust on the shelf as I gnashed my teeth in impotent Region 3 rage.

With my new DVD player I can conclude one thing for certain: Deckard is definitely a Replicant. No question about it.

Good links in from Aaron the last few days:

1) "I think we need to head on home and get a nice Federal job."
Cut-Rate Diplomas
How doubts about the government's own "Dr. Laura" exposed a résumé fraud scandal
Oh man. Here is the Hamilton University website. Here is the FION Fellowship with which Hamilton University is affiliated. I checked out the FION statement, but my woo-dar starting wailing so loudly I had to stop reading and go take some aspirin. Heck, I'd always assumed that I could not get a cushy Federal job because my degree is from a crappy state school. But if a $3600 Ph.D. from a Motel 6 gets you in, well then maybe I have a chance after all.

2) Chairman Kim's dissolving kingdom. Pretty sad stuff. I used to hang out with a bunch of North Koreans at Nankai University back in '88-'89. They were all pretty cool except for the political spook (I forget what his real title was). His job was to keep the North Korean students from doing things like drinking beer with Americans. The fact that one of the students was dating an American girl probably did not reflect well on the spook's ability to do his job. I always wondered if the American vixen-banging North Korean got in trouble when he went home.

3) On a local note- These are some reviews of PJs, the totalitarian anti-smoking establishment that is enduring the third week of my righteous economic sanctions. A reviewer named Henry says: "If you are not taste yet , you must be go to PJ's Cafe and feel his friendly!" Unless you are a woman, in which case it is more likely that PJ will try to feel your friendly....
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Over on the left there I link to The Ferrett. The Ferrett enjoys quite a 'net following, probably because he says things like this:

there is an objective reality that may have nothing to do with your current emotional state. If Kurt Cobain can think that he's untalented and unloved while Ashlee Simpson can think she's a good musician, then obviously there is no correlation. As humans, we are very lacking in the self-analysis department.

I don't put much stock in internet quizzes, but then I found this one:

Measure Your Chess Aggressiveness

My score:

Psycho. A danger to yourself and others. You don't play defenses, just offenses minus a tempo. You like lines with name like "the can opener", "the berserker" or "the long whip variation." At home you kill small animals or unrated players for fun.

From the LA Times: China and Taiwan-- Polls Apart
(Ganked from The Peking Duck)

And from EastSouthWestNorth Check out these Sprite ads. They are from Hong Kong, not China or Taiwan. Or if they have been used in Taiwan somewhere I haven't seen them.

In local news: My one man boycott of PJs is still in effect. If I wanted to go to bars where smoking is not allowed, I'd move to California. This does pose a problem, in that I don't know where else I can go to watch the Superbowl. Anybody know if The Londoner is showing it?

The Straight Dope does a pretty good job of tackling the biblical story of drunken Noah. )Part I & Part II.

Now, if someone can just explain Psalms 137:9 to me, I'll have the week's theological confusions all taken care of.

==========================================================================

Follow-up on the death of Zhao Ziyang: China rounds up, beats mourners for deposed leader Zhao. Now surely, in light of President Bush's recent inauguration speech in which he championed the expansion of freedom, this will draw strong condemnations from the United States government. Right? Right? Wrong. You see, when President Bush and his supporters use the word 'Freedom', what they mean is 'doing things our way'. So when the government degrades the civil rights of it's citizens in a senseless war on drugs, that's 'Freedom'. Banning alcohol sales on Sunday morning? Freedom. Criminalizing marijuana? Freedom. 31 Billion dollars of trade with a Communist Dictatorship? That's Expanding Freedom, baby.
Control the language and you control everything. Slick move, really.

This mamby-pampy liberal open-mindedness has gone on long enough. For years I've been all like: Different starting philosophies will yield varying political opinions. and You can't have absolute truth in matters of morality, politics, or art. and Well I think we should agree to disagree on this issue. Such spineless tolerance is unbefitting a man of my obvious superior qualifications. Am I not a middle-aged white guy with a blog? Is my IQ not three digits? Enough said. My intellectual and moral supremacy is established.

Therefore, it is time to jump on the bandwagon of conventional discourse and follow the same epistemic traditions seen on the Democratic Underground and Little Green Footballs. Namely, that I am right, and good, and just. And if you disagree with me in any way then you are wrong, evil, and foolishly blinded by blah blah blah yada yada yada.

In this vein, the purpose of today's post is to destroy all those who would disagree with me philosophically, ideologically, or aesthetically. Let's get started.

Republicans. Please click on this link and stare at the pictures for five minutes.
Members of PETA. Please click here.
Pan-Blue supporters. This is for you.
Fans of either The Dallas Cowboys or St. Louis Rams. Go look.

Hmmm. I seem to have more destruction-deserving enemies with intolerable beliefs than I have madness-inducing images. Time to get out the digital camera and the speedo.

If you have had a drink at La Terrasse in the last two years, and the subject of gyms has come up, you may have heard Terry's story of getting lied to and screwed by World Gym. I'll not repeat it here, suffice to say that if I blew that much money on a gym membership that I'd never be able to use, my wife would still be beating me. If my wife beat me. Which she doesn't. Because I am so masculine and all.

So I'm talking to Chuck the other night and he says that what happened to Terry is pretty much par for the course when dealing with World Gym. They (according to Chuck) will say absolutely anything to get you to sign: You'll get FREE PARKING!. They'll have an OLYMPIC SIZE POOL! You'll get 6 extra months free if you JUST SIGN UP RIGHT NOW!. Then the member finds out later that they got lied to, and the World Gym management will carefully and systematically ignore all complaints. Supposedly there is a petition going around locally for disenchanted World Gym members who are trying to get their money back. I Googled a bit, but couldn't find anything online about this.

If you know more about World Gym shenanigans (especially from the Taichung De-An Branch), leave a comment. If you want to defend World Gym from this malicious third-hand gossip, that's fine too.

I don't know who The Beast is, but he seems pretty pissed off. I was pretty skeptical of the Michael Savage quote, so I googled it and got 45 hits. One of the hits was this.

The editors at the Taipei Times are also pretty pissed off.

***VIGILANTE JUSTICE, CHESS CLUB SYTLE***

So last night, Zakarius and his friend Justin were sitting at Salut Pizza, drinking a coke and waiting for their pizza to arrive. They noticed a guy on a scooter riding around in wide circles in the pedestrian mall that is Soho Street. They got suspicious, and kept an eye on the guy as they sat there and chatted. Sure enough, the guy rode behind Zak and snatched a young woman's purse hanging on her chair about two meters from Zak. Like a hairier and not quite so loquacious Spider-man, Zak jumped up, kung-fu'ed the guy off his scooter, jiu-jitsu'ed him into submission on the ground, then if you try to get up again I'm gonna crush your trachea'ed the thief to keep him there. The police were called, and Zak went and sat down. I showed up, surprised to see six policemen at a venue that hasn't seen such excitement since the Nick vs. the Pathological Liar bottle smash fest abut a year ago. I thought perhaps someone had finally called law enforcement to crack down on the ridiculous Bird's opening that Zak plays. I gathered the details from the witnesses, had a few beers, and started to retell the story to the newly arrived with a few minor improvements: "And then the guy shot Zak in the chest with a SHOTGUN! And Zak just laughed and bitchslapped him!"

Zak got to go spend about three hours at the police station to file the report. Chuck and I played some truly awful chess, and wondered about the possibility of a bunch of gangsters showing up to get revenge for their purse-snatching xiong di. Also pondered was the question: What is more embarrassing, getting your ass kicked by a chessplayer, or getting your ass kicked by a homosexual? Whatever the answer, we were pretty sure that getting your ass kicked by a homosexual chessplayer for stealing a purse is going to be pretty high up there in the rankings for personal humiliation.

In other news, Brett cracked three ribs playing football yesterday. I told y'all we were too old for that nonsense. But I guess that means I talk all the smack I want about that little queer Gonzo.

From BBC: U.S. Right Attacks SpongeBob Video

Focus on the Family and other groups say the video - a remake of the Sister Sledge hit, We Are Family - is a vehicle for pro-gay propaganda...
...
...The video also features children's favourites like Bob the Builder, along with characters from Sesame Street and The Muppet Show.

Immediate Queries:
-What is pro-gay propaganda?
-Who in the hell is Bob the Builder?
-Will Gonzo from the Muppet Show be in the video? He always seemed pretty gay.
-Will the Sesame Street characters be Ernie and Bert? Because they are not only gay, but at least 50% evil!

Also from the article:

But conservatives say it sees the video as a cunning attempt to promote homosexuality.

They point to the fact that the WAFF is linked to a pledge being promoted by some liberal groups which includes a recognition of tolerance of sexual identity.

"We see the video as an insidious means by which the organisation is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids," Paul Batura, a spokesman for Focus on the Family, told the New York Times.

AHA! THERE is the pro-gay propaganda! Let's take a look:
(From the We Are Family Foundation site)

Tolerance is a personal decision that comes from a belief that every person is a treasure. I believe that America's diversity is its strength. I also recognize that ignorance, insensitivity and bigotry can turn that diversity into a source of prejudice and discrimination.

To help keep diversity a wellspring of strength and make America a better place for all, I pledge to have respect for people whose abilities, beliefs, culture, race, sexual identity or other characteristics are different from my own.

WOW! That's some pretty powerful propaganda! After reading that, I feel a strong urge to divorce my wife, take up pottery, and even start brushing my hair once in a while! I'd better stay away from SpongeBob Squarepants videos, lest the remaining vestiges of my ultra-masculine non-gayness break down!

Scandal!

Little do we know of the evil that resides in our village, or neighborhood, or perhaps across the chessboard. An Associate Professor at Chaoyang University of Technology evidently:

Cursed at the students!
Broke a door two years ago!
Hung a picture of himself on the door of the research room??? (I don't quite get that part)
Gave the students a big headache!
And showed PORNOGRAPHY to his students!
Here's the dirt (in Chinese only)

Now the porn thing kind of sparked my interest. Were there lesbians in the porn? So I bravely faced down this raging academic miscreant and demanded to know more of this pornographic material that he had foisted upon his poor students. The door-smashing fiend promptly wilted in the face of my towering... ness, and yielded to me the title of the salacious motion picture. It is Prospero's Books by Peter Greenaway.

Hmm. I have not seen the name 'Greenaway' come up in my perpetual pornography perusings. Nor does the title seem particularly fitting for a porn film, lacking as it does the words hot, wet, anal, and lesbian. However, if the Taiwan media says it is pornography, then it must be pornography. And I shall view this outrageous filth in order to better combat the King's gambit playing depravity that exists in our community.

Richard Hartzell is still at it. I'd dismiss this argument out of hand except that he uses the term "jus soli nationality", and I have no idea what jus soli means.


---------------------------Joke-------------------------------
A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a big fat joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing cutting lines of premium cocaine to snort, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot heroin... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers, "That little fucker makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Somebody send me pictures from Kevin's wedding banquet that I can put up here. And did I miss any shenanigans of note at the post-reception at Brett's house?
==================================
The company Clarifying Technologies is advertising a robot that can climb walls. And celings. The warning bell on my Woo-dar started ringing, but if it is woo, it is heavily camouflaged. Maybe with that new digital urban camo that simulates reflection and shadow elements.
==================================
And let's all pour out some kaoliang for homeboy Zhao Ziyang.

For Squiggy Jahmal:

Note that John is talking about a full-sized grill with a cover, not the crappy little Hibachi things that pass for barbecue grills here in Taiwan.

Here is the recipe for turkey on a grill.

Light grill. You want to maintain about 320-350F for the roasting. Rinse turkey and dry. Stuff with quartered apples, onions and some celery. Save some to put in drip pan. Coat turkey with combo of oil, spices and vinegar if you like. Put on grill breast side up. After the first thirty minutes place turkey breast side down. Baste every 30 minutes . I used melted butter and cider vinegar. If your grill will allow it, place a drip pan below the turkey with the remaining apples,onions and celery. The dripping turkey and basting juices will make for some good pan gravy. If there is not room, place the turkey directly in the pan on the grill. It's ready when a meat thermometer stuck in the thick part of the thigh registers 165F or above. I will be glad to answer any specific questions you have about your particular situation.

JWL

I am tutoring Alishan Jim's son Tim in pre-algebra. The good news is that in spite of certain glaring lack of mental abilities on my part:

to beat Nick in chess,
to ascertain the location of the leak in the downstairs toilet,
to write coherently,

my Pre-Algebra skills are in good working order. And Tim himself is pretty bright. His problems in the class stem from the classic bad habits of doing too much of the problem solving in his head, and not writing down enough of the steps on paper.

We usually have about 15 minutes at the end of class, where we chat about various things. Halo and fighter jets are popular subjects, but since I don't know anything about fighter jets, he does all the talking and I just ask questions. I can sort of hold my own in the Halo conversation. Sort of.

The thing is, Tim asks an awful lot of questions. I answer them the best I can, but sometimes I have to say: "Let me get back to you on that one." And then I Google like crazy the next day. Here are some examples:

Tim: Why can't we get a spaceship to move at the speed of light if we add enough rocket boosters?
Me: Because the mass of the spaceship increases as your velocity approaches the speed of light.
Tim: So just add more boosters!
Me: Um.. You can't really add enough boosters.
Tim: Why not?

Tim: What is the difference between nuclear radiation and other radiation?
Me: Er...

Tim: With the technology we have now, it would take humans 200,000 years to reach the nearest star.
Me: It wouldn't take that long.
Tim: Really? How long would it take?

Tim: Why don't we use big rail guns to launch spaceships from the earth?

So, in an attempt to give a decent answer to the nearest star question, I set up an Excel file where I was going to show the distance of the nearest star in light years, then convert the light years to km, then divide by the speed in km of the fastest space object mankind has made. Then explain the time required for accelerating and deccelerating, and how that affects the final answer.

So, Google 'closest star'. It is Proxima Centauri, 4.2 light years. I thought it was Alpha Centauri? No, Alpha Centauri is the closest star system. Ok, got it. Google speed of light (I only know it in miles). Very cool, Google guys. 299792458 m/s. Right. Put that in Excel and convert to kilometers. No, wait a second. Google 'kilometers in light year', Oh sweet. Google 'fastest man made object'. Uh oh.
First result: Satellites and probes. 17.4 km/sec
Second result: Helios. 150,000 miles per hour (67 km/sec)
Third result: NASA's Voyager 1. 38,518 miles/hr (17.21 km/sec)

Add a tangential search that yielded Ion drives, and I'm not at all sure how to answer the question.

Yes, I used to play Dungeons and Dragons. This fact in no way diminishes my deserved reputation as a cool and rockin' guy.* So you can thus infer that I am very different from these guys. Boots of Escaping indeed. That's just stupid. He should have worn Eleven Boots of Speed.

And in Thursday's "damned if you do, damned if you don't" category- Scientists: Fossil Fuel Curbs May Speed Global Warming. Well that's just great.


*No really. It's true. In fact, I am rocking to Barry Manilow's Copa Cabana.mp3 as I type this. How cool this that?

Pinyin to Unicode converter. It sort of works. If you don't know what 'pinyin' is, don't bother clicking.

The Invasion of Taiwan:
A Chinese law would make it legal

but as the Argentine colonels reasoned in 1982, it's clearly easier to whip up national opinion over small islands like the Falklands ? or Taiwan, in China's case ? than to solve the country's problems

In response to Aaron's and SPQR's comments on the Bible story post below:

I spent many Sundays at the U.U. church in Tampa. It was a refreshing change from the fire and brimstone sermons that I had grown up with. I think U.U.'ers approach that a proposition of metaphysics must be treated differently than a proposition of logic or of empiricism is preferable, and in the final analysis more correct.

You know how in the game Civilization, Monotheism is an important civilization advance? I agree that it is as far as a culture's historical development goes. But there is another conceptual advance, in which a culture comes to understand that the 'truths' of religion have a very specialized (and limited) application. U.U.'ers have made that advance. Southern Baptists have not.

The Unitarians (before they merged with the Universalists in the 1800's) claim four U.S. presidents, so the portrayal of the church as a cult or a crackpot religion is inaccurate. That's not to say that there aren't crackpots in the U.U. church, but what faith is totally crackpot free?

The People Who Owned the Bible - a story

So the churches grumbled and paid Jimmy his tithe, except for the Mormons, Christian Scientists, Seventh Day Adventists, Quakers, and Unitarian Universalists. Jimmy said their teachings hurt the commercial value of his property and refused to let them use the Bible. All of those groups dissolved, except for the Unitarian Universalists, who didn't notice a change.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, come on now. There are Christians in the U.U. churches. Maybe kind of hard to distinguish them from the Flower-Moon-Peace Children, but they're in there.

Lawyer: Iraqi Abuse Was Like Act of 'Cheerleaders'

Now, there might be some good arguments that the Abu Ghraib shenanigans under scrutiny in that case are not 'torture'. I usually think of torture as burnings and squished eyeballs and sulphuric acid and forced listenings of We Built this City by Starship. But there were some other beatings and whatnot that sounded pretty disturbing, so maybe the conventional definition of torture may apply. And at any rate, this Graner guy evidently had sex with Lynndie England, and that's some sick stuff.

But. Saying that making naked prisoners get into a pyramid is not torture because cheerleaders do it is going to lead to an obvious question: Just where are these pyramids of naked cheerleaders? Hmm? 'Cause I have searched in the darkest recesses of the internet, and I have YET to find pictures of naked cheerleader pyramids.

And the other charges- making men on leashes dress up in women's underwear? Is that any different from the kinds of things that went on at Brett's house while Kevin was living there?

This just in: Houston is America's fattest city. I bet they have great donuts in Houston. I'm not sure why New Orleans is only ranked 7th on the list. They've got the best food. And beignets. You know, beignets shouldn't be too hard to make. Just some kind of pastry thing covered in powdered sugar. I should open Taichung's version of Morning Call, and help Taichung move up on the list of the world's fattest cities. If there is such a list. I wonder how other countries fattest cities compare with Houston or New Orleans?

Johnny Atomic: My last E-mails to both you and Madmonky have bounced.

"... Deferred: Connection timed out with *****.*******.net.
Message could not be delivered for 5 days
Message will be deleted from queue"

Send me an E-mail with an alternate (i.e., Yahoo, Gmail) address where I can reach you.