Friday, March 25, 2005

Typical day going on here. Today's schedule is:

7:45am- Arise from dusty crypt. Lumber. Lurch. Pick up eyeball and stick it back in socket.

8:10am- Brains! Must have brains! Groan. Shuffle.

9:30am- Chat briefly with ghoulish environmentalist from across the graveyard. Wave to hideous spectres (ACLU members) seen on the street.

9:55am- Pick up hand and stick it back on arm.

10:20am- Brains! I bet there are brains at the mall! The bodies with the living brains (Brains!) always seek refuge in the mall. I don't know why. Shuffle towards mall.

11:00am- Get run over by pickup truck driven by man wearing John Deere cap, while an overalls-wearing passenger blasts my fellow anti-life abominations into bits with a Mossberg 12-gauge. As my head pops off my body and flies up into the air, I see the back of the pickup truck filled with fuel, food and firearms. Sigh. Some brains are harder to catch than others.

12:30pm- Find my head. Put it back on.

3:00pm- Find rest of body parts and re-attach. See flames in the distance in the direction of the mall. Sigh. I need FRESH brains not cooked. Brains!

4:00pm- Write essay arguing that capital punishment is immoral because it not only violates Kant's Categorical Imperative, but fails in a practical view to achive its desired effect. Draw parallel between military ethics and intuitive morality on the treatment of war prisoners.

5:45pm- Must have brains! Eat brains to end hunger! See university. Big, bloated juicy brains at university! Stumble, shuffle and stagger towards university.

6:00pm- Curse this hated soulless existence! I went the the university's Cultural Studies department. There are no brains here! Brains!

6:05pm- Head over the the Physics department. Brains!

6:20pm- Dusk.

7:00pm- NOOOO! Horrifying blood-sucking vampires (labor lawyers) have arrived and are carrying away the last bodies with the fresh brains! Brains! Must have brains!

7:30- Return to crypt. Hunger.

No comments: