Monday, January 24, 2005


So last night, Zakarius and his friend Justin were sitting at Salut Pizza, drinking a coke and waiting for their pizza to arrive. They noticed a guy on a scooter riding around in wide circles in the pedestrian mall that is Soho Street. They got suspicious, and kept an eye on the guy as they sat there and chatted. Sure enough, the guy rode behind Zak and snatched a young woman's purse hanging on her chair about two meters from Zak. Like a hairier and not quite so loquacious Spider-man, Zak jumped up, kung-fu'ed the guy off his scooter, jiu-jitsu'ed him into submission on the ground, then if you try to get up again I'm gonna crush your trachea'ed the thief to keep him there. The police were called, and Zak went and sat down. I showed up, surprised to see six policemen at a venue that hasn't seen such excitement since the Nick vs. the Pathological Liar bottle smash fest abut a year ago. I thought perhaps someone had finally called law enforcement to crack down on the ridiculous Bird's opening that Zak plays. I gathered the details from the witnesses, had a few beers, and started to retell the story to the newly arrived with a few minor improvements: "And then the guy shot Zak in the chest with a SHOTGUN! And Zak just laughed and bitchslapped him!"

Zak got to go spend about three hours at the police station to file the report. Chuck and I played some truly awful chess, and wondered about the possibility of a bunch of gangsters showing up to get revenge for their purse-snatching xiong di. Also pondered was the question: What is more embarrassing, getting your ass kicked by a chessplayer, or getting your ass kicked by a homosexual? Whatever the answer, we were pretty sure that getting your ass kicked by a homosexual chessplayer for stealing a purse is going to be pretty high up there in the rankings for personal humiliation.

In other news, Brett cracked three ribs playing football yesterday. I told y'all we were too old for that nonsense. But I guess that means I talk all the smack I want about that little queer Gonzo.

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