Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Monday afternoon at the China Medical College, discussing Wellbutrin with Dr. Lin:

Dr. Lin: The mechanism by which it supresses the urge to smoke is not clearly understood.
Me: You're saying you don't know how it works.
Dr. Lin: Yes, but I like my way of saying it better.

I think I can shed some light on how the Dark Mage Wellbutrin accomplishes its task. You see, when you go from a pack a day to zero a day, and then hit say, the 36th hour of not smoking*, there is a part of your brain (I do not know which part) that goes insane. It smashes bottles on the parietal lobes. It runs through the frontal lobes screaming and singing We Built this City at the top of its lungs. It pees on the hypothalamus. It spray paints gang signs on the temporal lobes, then runs down the basal ganglia to throw Snap 'n Pops as far down the spine as it can.

Then Wellbutrin arrives, in a cloud of mist and with Disintegration by The Cure playing in the background. With an impossibly long arm and a chainmail sheathed hand, Wellbutrin seizes this renegade part of your brain in an icy grip, and says:
"You shall be silent."
Maybe it is an arcane majik, or simply pure terror, but the renegade portion of the brain that has been raising hell in your head shuts right up. For about 5 hours.

*Sometimes the 8th or 14th hour.

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