August Issues

The article below is my bit in the August Taichung Voice
================================================


I was sitting at home playing Mech Assault on the Xbox, when the phone rang. My huge battle robot was doing a pretty good job of devastating the enemy city as I snatched up the receiver.

"Wei?" I said. "DIE SCUM!"

"What?" Lance sounded hurt and confused. "Why do you want me to die?"

"Not you" I said. "I'm playing Xbox." "TANKS? YOU CHALLENGE ME WITH TANKS? HA HA HA!"

"Karl, calm down." said Lance. "When can you give me the article for the July issue?"

"What's the topic?" I said. "BURN! BURN, YOU MISERABLE FOOLS!"

"The theme for July is theology."

"I'LL DESTROY YOU! I'LL CRUSH YOU LIKE A MISERABLE INSECT!"

"Karl, stop playing Mech Assault and talk to me."

"I AM TALKING TO YOU LANCE! THEOLOGY!? You want me to write about THEOLOGY? Are you trying to get me killed? There will be angry mobs in the street clamoring for my head!"

"Now Karl, there's no reason to be worried. Just tone down the sarcasm, and try not to enrage anybody. Be sensitive."

"But? OK Lance, fine. I'm all about sensitive. I'll get right on it."

"Good. And don't mention robots or computer games. People are starting to complain. Deadline's tomorrow. Bye." And the line went dead.

I hung up the phone, and turned back to the Xbox in time to see my mighty battle robot go down to a combined attack of enemy helicopters and missile turrets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's get our definitions straight. The word 'Theology' is from the Greek [theos] meaning "God", and [logos] meaning "Inspires a lot of argument". It is closely related to the topic of metaphysics. The word 'Metaphysics' is derived from the Greek [meta] meaning "after" and [physika] meaning "a few beers this will make a lot more sense". Now that we're all clear on those points, let's take a look at how these are viewed and practiced in Taiwan.

It can be difficult for a foreigner to deeply understand local beliefs and religious practices in Taiwan. Riding around the city, you might think you've got a feel for it- you see Buddhist temples, Taoist temples, Tu di gong shrines, a Catholic church here, a couple of Protestant churches there, and earnest young Mormons on bicycles everywhere. Ask a few Taiwanese friends, coworkers or students what their religion is, and the most common answers are Buddhist or Taoist. Well actually, the most common answer is 'sleeping' [shui jiao], but keep pressing and you'll usually get one of the first two. You might also get the feeling that the person you are asking doesn't get asked that question very often. More on that later.

These initial impressions of faith in Taiwan are often misleading. The actual religion practiced by those who profess to be Buddhist is actually a combination of Buddhism, local folk religion, and Taoism. The same goes for local Taoists- and I still don't know where Matzu fits in. The third largest religion in Taiwan is I-Kuan Tao, which I assume is a kind of Taoism. It's got 'Tao' in the title, anyway. Taiwanese Christians will frequently make incense and food offerings to their ancestors or to Guan Gong (the god of business). We can deduce that when weighing the possible sin of idolatry versus the possible disaster of pissing off the God of Business, Taiwanese people take the practical route. The best example of this cultural tendency to blend aspects of various faiths can be found in the religion Tian De Jiao, an eclectic mix of Confucianism, Taoism, Buddhism, Christianity, and Islam. I don't know if Tian De Jiao temples have statues of Jesus and Mohammed next to each other up in front, but if they do, I can take a pretty good guess that local Christians don't get too riled up about it. Expatriate Christians, on the other hand, are probably less than pleased with the arrangement. Local Muslims might or might not be too thrilled. I suppose I could head on over to the Taichung mosque in the Nantun district and ask someone, if I ever get around to researching these articles before I start to write them.

In the West, we don't see this kind of free borrowing and mixing of religious practices like we do in Taiwan. In North America especially, the trend is the opposite- so that there are now over 1000 denominations of Christianity in North America. That is kind of a puzzler to me. Not only can I not tell you the theological differences between say, a Methodist and a Presbyterian, but I'm actually pretty vague on differences in belief between Catholics and Protestants. Something about good works? The Eucharist? I don't know.

Back to Taiwan. So in addition to a fusion approach to belief and practice, let's look at the other striking aspect of theology in practice here: Respect and tolerance for different faiths that surpasses by far what we have been able to achieve in the West (or the Mid-East). This tolerance is more than just a self-interested notion that if someone believes the wrong religion, that's pretty much their problem. The attitude is more pervasive- in Taiwan, your religion is your business. There is not any kind of constant proselytizing, or perceived need to convert others to one's faith in Taiwan. So, if you do decide to start asking your Taiwanese friends what their religion is, you are probably going to get some funny looks.

Does this forbearance for different faiths stem from the fact that Chinese culture has made a leap over a philosophical obstacle that we still stumble over in the West? I mean, if God is all powerful, then we would assume that God transcends logic and reason. So, not only can God make a stone so big that he cannot lift it, he can make a stone so slippery that two plus two equals giraffe. Come on, He (or She) is God. The inconceivable (or logically impossible) is not a problem for God. God can (and as far as we know, has) made all religions true at the same time.

The Taiwanese seem to have figured this out, while the rest of the world stumbles along with religious condemnation, relentless proselytizing, and the occasional holy war. That makes Taiwan a great place for atheists, and a tougher ride for those who feel compelled to come here and save souls. The advanced attitudes of people in Taiwan towards religion makes converting them to a new faith very difficult. Consider our diligent Mormon missionaries- The LDS church has been in Taiwan since 1956. Total Mormons in Taiwan today: 38,735. There are still more Muslims in Taiwan (53,000) than there are Mormons, and I have yet to see a single Muslim missionary here. Of course, that could be because Muslims don't spend much time at PJ's or FM.

Both in theory, and in custom, Taiwan is way ahead of most of the world when it comes to the spiritual stuff. That's not to say that there aren't some odd religious practices here, but nobody really minds if you happen to believe something else. So the Taiwanese have invalidated my definitions of 'theology' and 'metaphysics'- theology does not have to inspire argument, and metaphysics can make sense even without a beer or two to help out. I suppose it's probably better that way.

The Pulse

Has hit the stands in Taichung. If I have my druthers, it will be a Taichung version of The Exile, filled with profane savaging of local figures and institutions. But I'm not the publisher, Lance is. I'm a 'contributor', which means I write for beer. I usually get compensated in bad beer, but that's ok since a) the stuff I write is not all that entertaining, and b) I'm not comfortable with beers that have things like flavor and alcohol content. Budweiser's good.


Links o' the day:

Database of North Korean Propaganda. 343 articles using the term 'Imperialist aggressor'. Well, what can you expect from a bunch of Communist Bandits?


The Gift of Democracy (The Ferrett)
Wow. Look at his comments. He's managed to piss just about everyone off- Right and Left alike.

Monday pain

Apparently, Bread has made it to Bozeman safely. I told him he should leave that blowgun here.


Adding to the list of great things we can't buy in Taiwan: Strawberry Milk Sausage


I have been called out. At basketball. By a Texan. Man, I hate basketball. Might be worth it just for the chance to inflict brutal fouls on J-Hole.

Treachery!

Some miscreant has put ALCOHOL in this beer! This is an outrage!

Chaon: 7
Blackcrusader: 6

Space, Time and Force

Hey Jim! The board suddenly gets awful small when one player has two Queens, doesn't it?

Jim? Where are you going? Don't be like that. I'll shut up now.

Burp

Chaon: 7
Blackcrusader: 5

Pieces are starting to sway a little bit. I think they've been drinking.

Blackcrusader says sceisse

I think that's a bad word in German. Don't know why he's speaking German. Should be speaking Taiwanese, eh Jim?

Game pi

Game. Chaon. Set. Chaon. Match. Chaon. And I don't care what your passport says, you were born in Austraila.

Booyah!

That's what I'm talkin' about. Losing in chess to an Austrialian. Whoever heard of such a thing?

Cool points score:
Chaon: 12,345
Blackcrusader: 7 (not very cool at all)

Game 6. Or maybe 7

Jim cheats. He keeps talking while we play. I am a serous chessplayer godammit. None of this endless banter during speed chess. Who would do that?

Chaon: 3.5
Blackcrusader: 3.5

Beers:
Karl: 4.5
Jim: 2.5 (Getting kind of red in the face, he is)

Game 5

FUCK!

Game 4

That is such BULLSHIT! What the hell kind of crap was that?

Chaon: 2.5
Blackcrusader: 1.5

Beers-
Karl: 3
Jim: 1.5

Game 3

I think this clock is broken.

Chaon: 2.5
Blackcrusader: .5

Game 2

Jim, it's called the Smith-Morra gambit. I believe you may find information on this opening in Modern Chess Openings page four or so.

Chaon: 2
Blackcrusader: 0

Liveblogging from Alishan

If there is some kind of international competion for the number of audio/visual remote controls in your house, Jim wins. I've counted six so far, most of them for electronic devices I have never heard of. I suppose the plethora of remote controls has something to do with the three satellite dishes on the roof (one is an impressive 14 footer).

Game one results:
Jim, why do you hold to this archaic concept the the queen is even remotely important? Like PJ says at the singles bar, it's all about position, baby.
Chaon: 1
Blackcrusader: 0

Beer results:
Karl: 1.5
Jim: 0

Weekend

I'm out of the Chung for the next 2 or 3 days. I have to go to Alishan and teach Jim Edstein how to play chess. Specifically, he needs to learn that White does have options for the first move other than 1. C3. The lastest tropical storm is zipping past Kenting as I write this, so I may have the dubious luxury of driving 1 1/2 hours up a mountain in the pouring rain.

If you are in Taichung tonight, do not miss the Mustache Party at 89K. There is no cover charge, there will be bands, and there will be, I assume, a lot of mustaches. I do hope that Chiang Kai-Shek's mustache is featured prominently somewhere, preferably alongside materials with which to deface it.

Errata

From Casper at Debunkers: Chinese Tongue Twisters

From Reuters: Kansas moves to stem role of evolution in teaching
I think this is a good thing. Mainly because I'm from Florida and I'm getting pretty sick of all the damn jokes. At this rate they'll come up with a Kansas tag on FARK, and Florida will look (in comparison) fairly sane and level-headed.



Happy Valentines Day.

Iran so far away

From The Telegraph: Iran has not passed the super-secret initiation, so they don't get to be in the Nuclear Weapons Club.

Well, a couple of years ago I supported the invasion of Iraq, and I didn't let a simple thing like a total lack of knowledge about the country or the culture get in my way. So in that spirit, I heartily endorse the upcoming whuppin' of Iran as well. To save time, we'll just re-use the rhetoric from 2003:

Iraq Iran is a good target for freedom. The people are ready.
Once Iraq Iran and Afganistan Iraq have achieved a system of self sustaining freedom the people of Iran Yemen will join them. Possibly even Pakistan.
Imagine a freedom domino effect spreading across the world. It would take time but I believe it is possible.
Why are the other "Western" countries resisting this course of action? Why is the left resisting this course of action? Is there some sort of aversion to the concept of freedom or does a long term goal elude their five year horizon?

(Note that this is not my rhetoric, but how ya gonna resist a phrase like "freedom domino effect"?

Catapult the Propaganda

Do not believe the Canadian propagandists! The true location of Hans Island can be seen in the map below:



This is an absolutely REAL map, and has not been altered in the slightest by anyone! Including me!

Hans island update

Lethal Hjemmevaernet troops have successfully driven off the marauding invaders. Photo below taken at Denmark's victory procession.

Things we learned last weekend

Curry shui jiao are possible, and tasty.
Ingredients: ground beef, jiu cai, ginger, salt, olive oil, curry powder.
Directions: Sit on couch reading a magazine while your wife does all the mixing of ingredients. When the ingredients are all mixed into that weird paste, go onto the balcony and have a cigarette while you wife does all the wrapping of the dumplings. When all of the dumplings are finished, go into the kitchen and triple boil them, about 15 each time in standard sized wok. Complain bitterly about how hot the stove is, how your back hurts, and how expensive the beef was. When all the dumplings are cooked, eat most of them, congratulating yourself on what a good job you did.


In other news, It looks like it's time for me to move back to Florida.


Lastly, we learned that Japan should not, under any circumstances, attempt to chase the U.S. Pacific fleet into the Atlantic ocean by going around Argentina.

War prophet earring

I have long dreaded the day when the gentle and peace-loving nation of America would be drawn into some horrendous international conflict by our bloodthirsty neighbors to the North. But now, it looks like that time is coming. With Canada's illegal and immoral seizure of holy Danish territory, Denmark shall be forced to marshal its forces to meet this malicious Canadian threat. So let's compare the military might of these soon-to-be combatants. All info is taken from the online CIA factbooks for Denmark and Canada, so we can assume it to be 100% correct to every detail. It's not like the CIA would ever make mistakes when reporting the military capabilities of a foreign power.

Denmark	Canada
Royal Danish Army	Land Forces Command
Royal Danish Navy	Maritime Command
Royal Danish Air Force	Air Command
Home Guard (Hjemmevaernet	Canada Command (homeland security)

(I apologize for the above. Either the Blogger html editor does not handle tables well, or I am not very smart.)

It looks like a draw, until you get to that last part. While 'Canada Command' sounds pretty formidable, there is no way it can be a match for something called Hjemmevaernet. I bet the Hjemmevaernet shock troops sport adamantium body armor and huge, double-bladed battle axes. And have massive, shiny horned helmets that shoot lasers. That is sure to have Johnny Canuck trembling in his tooque... tuke. toukke? Whatever that funny hat is called.

Hansaphatically

Well, NiHowdy seems too preoccupied with the wicked Canadian encroachment of sacred Danish territory to cover the important events of last weekend, so I'll pick up. Bread left on Saturday, and Friday night there was a get-together of all who know Bread to say goodbye. It was at the (name unknown) seafood restaurant down the street from FM. About twenty people were there throughout the night, and the shindig lasted long after the restaurant closed.

Sometime during that evening, I had a remarkable conversation with Elliot. Words like "fideism"*, "apophatically" and "cataphatically" were employed, and not by me (since I didn't know what any of those words meant). G.K. Chesterton was quoted (and not by me, since I didn't know who he was): "

If each man could live a thousand years, he would be either an atheist or a Catholic."

Now those of you in other countries may find this difficult to believe, but that is not the kind of late night pub conversation that usually occurs among drunk expats in this fair city. I was very interested in what Eliot had to say, but I was also very drunk, a state which often lends me to be interested in things like the sky, that guy's attitude, and the toilet. But when I woke up the next day and wasn't drunk any more, Eliot's ideas still seemed pretty interesting. Of course that could just be because that Chesterton quote indicates that I have a metaphysical headstart over a bunch of people. Anyway, upon a quick inventory of my knowledge of Catholic theology, I discovered that I know less about that than I do about most things. And I know very little about most things. Elliot was kind enough to follow up with an E-mail I had asked for, so I've got all kinds of stuff to look up this week.

* Doesn't have anything to do with FIDE. I checked.

Cage Un Chicken

Where can I buy shallots in Taiwan? I need them for the bearnaise sauce, which I need to make Chicken Pontalba. This is the problem with starting to cook stuff at the age of 38. You have to learn all this stuff that everybody else has already known for years. Look at the Pontalba recipe: "Water for poaching". I would be more comfortable poaching with a shotgun, to tell the truth. I mean, if I ever poached. Which I never have. So I'll have to learn to poach the chicken with water, which I suppose means sneaking onto a farm and drowning a few. Well, if that's what it takes, I'm up for it. Which way is the chicken farm?

The Londoner...

...has reopened. Somewhere near FM, if Mikey Mike is to be believed. I assume they'll have the satellite TV going on which they will broadcast that quaint game that is sort of like real football only less organized and without strategy. They call it 'olive ball' in Chinese. In English, I think it's called bugbee. Slugvee. Something like that. You know the game I'm talking about- it's the one that England always loses to New Zealand in.

The Bread Pool

As we all know, our beloved Bread will be leaving us at the end of this week. He'll be leaving for good this time, not like a couple of weeks ago when he left us to go travel in China, only to remember 5 days into his trip "Oh yeah! Traveling in China SUCKS!". At which point he promptly returned to Taichung and asked me if he could borrow my ip address.*

So at poker last Friday night, we discussed some of the difficulties Bread will face upon his return to the U.S. in pursuit of a graduate degree. To recap, he will have to deal with:

-Cigarettes that cost a bazillion dollars a pack, and the fact that if you dare light one in any location other than your basement, people'll stare at you like yer a leper.
-American conservatives; i.e., "We are fighting terrorists in Iraq so we won't have to fight them in another place until they're better trained and 9/11 to the war on terror so for Patriotism we'll have to give up some of the freedoms that the terrorists hate us for. "
- American liberals; i.e., "George Bush and his oil family cronies were involved with 9/11 planning and Karl Rove committed treason to fund Haliburton and there is a proven conspiracy between Cheney, Blair and the Illuminati to crush Democracy and did you know it takes all the water in Lake Michigan to produce enough beef for five hamburgers?"
-American women, who will (by and large) not be too receptive to Bread's only pickup line: "Hi there. I've got a condom with your name on it."
-American college students. American. Undergraduate. College Students. From Montana. Duuude, kegs! and like, whoa...
-and many other obstacles including but not limited to: paying taxes, Wal Mart, religious fundamentalists and The O'Reilly Factor.

Now while we all wish Bread success in his educational foray, we have to face facts: There is a possibility that he will say 'screw it' and come back to The Chung. And where there is possibility, there is probability. And where there is probability, there is gambling. As he has demonstrated in the past that he is conversant with Pragmatist philosophy, we can assume that Bread will not object to...

The Bread Pool

Everyone throws in NT$200, and picks a date for Bread's return to Taichung. Add a brief synopsis of the factors leading up to his return, 'cause it'll be funnier that way. Here's mine:

Dumb undergraduates + Patchouli oil + Bumper stickers + Montana winter= Return date of February 5, 2006.

Leave predictions in the comments. Pay me NT$200 anytime, but before Feb. 5 of next year.

* Really. That's what he said.

Monday chuckle, for geeks

This sent by Peter: Game Review of Chess

"This game attempts to accredit itself by virtue of its tactical play mechanics. Yet those mechanics are tedious and difficult to grasp and exacerbate Chess's other numerous failings."

Pyramid Scheme

The ancient pyramids of Egypt. Awe-inspiring not only in their size and construction, but in their ability to spawn arguments and creative interpretations of reality...

A: They were made by aliens, you know.
B: No they weren't, they were made by ancient Egyptians with Alien technology.
C: Antigravity technology!
D: No no no! It was an ancient, lost civilization that mastered antigravity.
E: Using Ley lines!
F: That's not true. The 'stones' of the pyramids are actually made from a kind of concrete. The Egyptians used a formula (lost to us now) that allowed the softening and forming of stone. This one guy in Western Nebraska has almost replicated it.
G: Egyptcrete?
F: I guess he might call it that.
H: Haven't you ever read Edgar Cayce? The pyramids were built by Atlanteans!
A: ALIEN Atlantians!
I: The pyramids were actually large power stations.
A: For pumping water.
C: No no, the power stations fueled the anitgravity devices that made the pyramids!
E: With Ley lines!

Now, it looks like an eccentric old carpenter is pissing in everybody's Woo-Krispies. Link.

america hax

If World War II Was a Real Time Strategy game.
(Warning: language) (Knowledge of RTS games required)

Joke from Arkrow...

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking
Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in
the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever
sitting there.

You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young,

and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift,
and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,sitting
in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would
be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years
running." "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I wanted to settle down.

I signed up for a job at the airport to do some under cover security work,
mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in I uncovered
some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married,
had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."

Supreme Court Nominee

CNN Says that Bush has chosen to nominate John Roberts to the U.S. Supreme Court.

I need to know some more details about this John Roberts fellow, because his website is fairly lacking in detail. I don't even know what the word 'Apostolic' means. The spiritual gifts of GOD are great and all, but how is this applied to application of the Commerce Clause?

If you liked the DaVinci Code...

Then this might be right up your alley: Prince William is the Antichrist

I'm not getting too excited. When I was a kid, my Dad took me to see the movie The Late Great Planet Earth. Remember that movie? I sure as hell do, because I was like ten years old and the movie had pretty compelling arguments (to a ten-year old, anyway), that Armageddon was coming in the late 80's. It would have been a great time for Dad to give me a talk about skepticism and critical thinking, but he didn't. I think he believed most of what the film said. Anyway, the late eighties came and went, and instead of plagues and firestorms we had to endure hair metal bands. The Antichrist? Jon Bon Jovi.

Mainstream Media Screws up again

This is just ridiculous, and I hope the journalist responsible gets chewed out by a foul-mouthed, cigar chewing editor. To set the record perfectly straight: 1) I am not 6' 6", and have not been since I was 19 years old. 2) I do not wear gay hats. My hats are elegant and unique fashion statements that reflect my individualityismanity. And I'm not even a little bit gay, so there's no way my hats are remotely gay. 3) Nobody has ever, or ever will, refer to me as 'Ponce'. And if anyone ever does, I will snap my fingers and give them a stern talking-to.

Tool News

Eurotools has merged with Bahco. The result will be a larger and more unwieldy organization that will excel at getting its ass kicked by KS Tools even better than either company could individually. Merging a Northern European saw manufacturer with a Spanish wrench manufacturer, while keeping all five or however many brands the two groups sell under. Such an idea could only be spawned by a bunch of MBA's. Or consultants. I wonder if they are looking to reap merger synergy? I do hope they develop and implement an effective transition methodology, otherwise they will not have successful team alignment.


Also, Stanley is buying Facom. Good move on Stanley's part, and I'm not just saying that because last year I told reps from The StanleyWorks to buy Facom. No, wait a minute, that's exactly why I'm saying that. Now a word of warning for Stanley: You can't tell Facom anything about the tool business. They are Facom, and they are the most reputable brand in Europe, and 80 years experience and blah blah blah, and so on. And they won't listen to you, and they will keep doing things their way. Stubborn, stubborn French engineers. Good quality stuff though.

Dungeons & Dragons

Is Evil. Proof.

Boots on the Ground blog. A soldiers life in Baghdad. He got home safely in late June.

I wonder how common is this practice? Bad idea, buying candy to hand out to kids in order to "avoid things we wouldn't otherwise be able to avoid".

July in Taiwan...

...Sucks. Still. Always has, pretty much. Let's look at what we've got:
-Stultifying heat for the next three months, possibly broken only by:
-the occasional Typhoon as the Pacific Typhoon Season ramps up.
-Ghost month approaching, in which yer not supposed to swim, move house, or get liposuction.
-Half the expat population out of the country on vacation, the other half apparently moving to Puli. What the hell is going on in Puli that all these people are moving up there?

But look! On Fark! A link to Bisexual women "pressured to be lesbians"!!! Whohoo! That's right, not only are bisexual women pressured to become lesbians, but both bisexual women AND lesbians are pressured to send me pictures and detailed accounts of their experiences!

The French then and Now

Twenty years on, specter of Rainbow Warrior still haunts France

Just one question: Operation SATANIC? What the hell kind of code name is that? Granted, Operation Blowing Up Birkenstock Wearing Hippies, while more accurate, doesn't exactly roll off the tongue. But I would think the French are creative enough to come up with something better. Perhaps the task of naming an offensive action was too novel, with their traditional maneuvers named Operations: Take Flight, Hide Like the Wind and Run Away like Something that Runs Away Very Quickly Indeed.

Look at us Americans. We may invade some pissant country at the drop of a hat, but we usually have pretty cool operation and code names for our wars and police actions.

1983 Grenada invasion- Urgent Fury
1989 evacuation of dependents from Panama- Blade Jewel
1989 invasion of Panama- Just Cause
1990-91 First Gulf War- Desert Shield, Desert Storm, and then Desert Sabre

We'll ignore Operation Enduring Freedom as an aberration of America's martial poeticism.

Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls

Terrorist bombings in London. Crap.

Article in response from the Jerusalem Post: Rules of Conflict for a World War. Would that be a World War against... Islamofascists? But I think the author then shoots himself in the foot credibility-wise:

"The measures that I have outlined above will not be easily adopted
overnight. When the US entered World War Two, Congress approved the momentous decision by a majority of one vote."

WWI maybe, I don't know about the vote for that. But WWII House and Senate votes were unanimous except for Jeanette Rankin in the House.

Martha Stewart: House Arrest Is 'Hideous'

You know, Martha and I really need to get together and work on our definitions. Take the word 'hideous', for example...

The eXile takes on the Pro War Zombies

Do not click on the link below if you are:
-Offended by bad language
-Offended by sexually explicit images
-An Iraq war supporter
-Afraid of zombies
-My Mom

All clear? Ok. Here's Land of the Dead.

Your Support Needed

To everyone reading this: Please leave a note in the comments expressing your opinions of what a magnificent car the Fiat Stilo Arbath is. 'Cause I need to convince my wife to let me buy one.

Dumnidity*

This has been around awhile, but got reposted on FARK today for some reason.

The Ecological Footprint Quiz.
My result:
" IF EVERYONE LIVED LIKE YOU, WE WOULD NEED 5.4 PLANETS. "

Let's see. 1 planet for beer production, 1 planet for coffee growing, 1 planet for tobacco. That's three planets right there. Another planet for the production of bacon. I'm not sure what this hypothetical Karl World is going to need the other 1.4 planets for. But I think the test seems to be missing a key point. Having no children and with none planned, in about 30 years Karl World will need ZERO planets. Beat that, ya hippies.

I took the test again as a ten year-old vegan Indian boy living in a 20sqm 'green design residence' with no electricity and a family of more than 7.

WORLDWIDE, THERE EXIST 1.8 BIOLOGICALLY PRODUCTIVE GLOBAL HECTARES PER PERSON.

So, my hypothetical Indian boy would only need 1/6 of a planet! Unless he grows up and fathers ten kids...



* "Dumnidity" is an original word invented by me, and has nothing to do with anybody else.

Mutterings heard

I haven't been out much recently, so I don't know much of whatever has been happening in Taichung. But I did hear this: English Kevin (also known as "Don't mess with me because I have gangster friends and they'll sort you right out" Kevin*) got thumped Saturday night by PJ. No details are known as of press time. I thought Kevin had lifetime banned from PJ's anyway, so I don't know what he was doing there.

*Not to be confused with Kevin the lovable maritimer who can fix anything. Including fish tanks.

Chess night at FM last night was a resounding success. Except that I beat Chuck so badly that he spontaneously decided to return to the U.S. and go to Graduate School. I pointed out that he already has a Master's degree, so what would be the point of going back to school? His answer- more Master's degrees. Hopefully Chuck's return to academia will allow him time to study the Sicilian Defence, and discover that it does not consist of 1. E4 C5 2. Nf3 -order a pizza.

Soup Help

I need a recipe for a five-bean soup that is more spicy and exotic than the usual Southern/Midwest fare. No pork is better. Any ideas on how to do a curry bean soup?

Stuff on Iraq

Because Lord knows there aren't enough blogs out there covering this stuff...

Let's see. On CNN: Evidence is clear Saddam linked to 9/11. What evidence is that? The evidence that I don't get to see because I do not have a top secret security clearance. Could be, I guess. I always kind of wonder what kind of information national leaders have but can't share. Then they have to make a decision based on the information that they can't make public, so the government action ends up with odd-sounding rationale. I mean, it happens in business and in personal relations, so I don't see why the same kind of situation wouldn't arise for a nation's government.

Then I read that US 'knows' where Zarqawi is. Well, go get him! Twenty five million dollars? What's the hold up? Question- If a U.S. citizen grabs Zarqawi, will they have to pay taxes on the $25 mil? What would the tax rate be for that?

Uh oh. I've got conflicting propaganda here. The Albasrah site says:

"The albasrah.net website has not published any reports about az-Zarqawi because we, like all Iraqis, do not believe this mythological figure exists on the pure soil of Iraq. Iraq is fighting Anglo-American terrorism in its own, native Iraqi Resistance movement, which offers itself as a sacrifice for the liberation of the country, determined to continue fighting until the last inch of Iraqi soil is freed from today?s barbarian hordes."

Zarqawi is mythical? And who are they calling 'barbarians'? I'll have them know that I bathe several times a month, and always keep my mullet neatly groomed. Looking around their site, I think that digital cameras and the internet seem to have opened a whole new arena in the disinformation game. But this has an ominous ring of truth to it, just because it's the kind of thing I'd want if I lost a relative in 9/11. Grief trumps reason every time.

Misleading headline from the BBC

Minister slammed on napalm error

The Brits used napalm on somebody? Er, no. The Americans did, except that it wasn't really napalm. It was a Mark 77 Firebomb. And a bunch of British MP's are pissed off that someone told them the Americans weren't using 'em, except that everyone knew that they were. Or something. What does MP stand for, anyway? Besides Military Policeman.

And who came up with the name Mark 77 for a firebomb? I looked up Mark 7:7 in the Bible, but it doesn't say anything about a great bloody bomb that burns "dug-in troops, supply installations, wooden structures, and land convoys." (Link) They should probably call it the Revelation 1920 Firebomb. I would.

The View From Chewin in the Chung

Michael: There is a lot of religious tolerance in Taiwan. This is a good thing.

Karl: Dude! That is so totally true! In Taiwan, your religion is like, your business and not anybody else's business. That rocks.

Maoman: All this tolerance is the result of a lack of understanding about religion, and not enough religious education.

[Karl stares at Maoman, then looks questioningly at Michael. Michael shrugs.]

Karl: So in order to promote religious tolerance, we should... discourage religious education? Man, that can't be right.

Maoman: No no no! You see, in Taiwan, religion is more like an appeal to spiritual providence than any serious consideration of sin, redemption, good and evil.

Michael: So in addition to burning down a few Sunday schools, we need to divorce religion from the concept of good and evil, in order to more effectively promote religious tolerance?

Karl: I have kerosene!

Maoman: But the Taiwanese don't even understand their indigenous faiths deeply!

Michael: Maoman, the Taiwanese approach to religion is syncretistic. Now that is a very excellent word, and I bet you'd never guess I had to learn it from Karl. But you see, when it comes to faith, a Jack-of-all-trades, Master-of-none approach is demonstrably preferrable to specialism.

Karl: You misspelled 'preferable'.

Michael: Yeah? How'd you do against Malv last Saturday in Axis & Allies?

Karl: I saw Crome Relic last Saturday night at 89k. They totally rocked. I don't know anything about Axis & Allies.

Michael: You can say that again.

Here we go again

The House approved a constitutional amendment that would give Congress the power to ban desecration of the American flag.

The amendment reads thus: "The Congress shall have power to prohibit the physical desecration of the flag of the United States."

Now, didn't Bush say some time back "Freedom will find a way"? Isn't the right to protest by burning a flag one of those freedoms? Of course not. Freedom is not some generic term that implies 'the right to act freely'. The literal meaning of the word 'Freedom' is 'do things our way'. Wanna smoke pot? We don't do that, so that is not freedom. So forget it. We don't marry people of the same sex, so the right to do so is not Freedom either. You freak. You like guns? So do we. That's why the right to own guns is the epitome of Freedom...

You know, these words, this attempt at sarcasm is not even funny. I give up. Ban desecration of whatever the hell you want America. I'll try to salvage any comedic value of this post by reminding everyone of the wisdom of Peter Rjinswand:

"Yes, brave men and women died for our freedom, but one of the freedoms they died for was the right to act like a retard. And burning your own possessions because you are angry is one of those sacred, retarded freedoms."

Poser Mud

Some years ago, there was a product called 'cellphoney' or something. It was an imitation car phone, ostensibly for those who couldn't afford a real car-phone but wanted people to think they had car phones. I don't remember much about it except one comedian's gibe: "Who are you going to talk to on your fake phone? Your imaginary friends?"
So, what could be more ridiculous than an imitation car phone? Spray on Mud for your SUV (From The Ugly Expat, company site is here). The mind, it boggles.

===========================================================

Today's quote:

"On the dogmas of religion, as distinguished from moral principles, all mankind, from the beginning of the world to this day, have been quarreling, fighting, burning and torturing one another, for abstractions unintelligible to themselves and to all others, and absolutely beyond the comprehension of the human mind."
~Karl Smith (famously plagiarized by Thomas Jefferson)

If you live in Taichung

Please go take this survey:

http://www.taiwanfun.com/ads/cstisoc.htm

Probably could have seen this one coming...

Props to KGB from this Debunkers link. Kent always finds all the coolest quizzes.

What military aircraft are you? B-52 Stratofortress You're a B-52. You are old and wise, and you absolutely love destruction. You believe in the principle of "peace through deterrence" and aren't afraid to throw your weight around.

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

I don't know about the 'wise' part, but I guess I'd have to be either the B-52 or the C-130.

New Place for Taichung Chess

Chess knight (ha ha) is moving from Salut to FM, effective immediately. This is in spite of the fact that Bread looked so cute working behind the bar at Salut last night. Starting time is still 8:00-ish.

Rumblings of a new Texas Hold'em tournament here in Taichung. This time it will be held on subsequent Sundays- First round of tables resolved the first Sunday, winners' table played the following week. Entrance will be NT$2000. E-mail me or leave comment if you are interested.

Best Taichung quote of the week:

"I am so sick and tired of sexually frustrated white women"
-A very drunk PJ

There were some drunken scraps in Taichung over the last week, but nobody will tell me any details. I wonder why.

From The Exile, A Moscow based alternative newspaper:
Mister Big Unplugged

"You know, what we should have done with all those brave Muslim volunteers who helped boot the Russkies out of Afghanistan was hold a big victory banquet in Kabul, thank them all for their contribution to Liberty:and then nuke the banquet hall. It sounds cold-blooded, but if you want to rule the world you have to do some stuff you won't want to tell your grandkids about."

Just talked to Cynthia on Yahoo Messenger. She is in Luang Prabang. So now I know something I did not know this morning: There is a town in Laos called Luang Prabang. Intitial reports on Laos are positive, but I'm still saving my next vacation for someplace like Tokyo or Sydney. Or maybe Manilla. Or if the heavens decide to grant me an opportunity to experience the subtle beauty of the 30(b)(6) deposition, then I might hit Tampa.

There will be a drive-by shooting at La Terrasse soon

Because Terry just sent this out to a bunch of people. (Make sure the volume on your speakers is turned up)

I recommend we use shotguns.

The Simpsons do China

Linked from The Taipei Kid:

SIMPSON'S ULTRA PAN-GREEN-ISH EPISODE

Alright, somebody grab that file from the Bittorrent and send it to me.

Rain

It's raining hard. How hard is it raining? I had to tuck my jeans into my cowboy boots coming to work this morning. Fortunately, there are no real cowboys in Taiwan to call me out as a citified poseur. I'll just tell all my coworkers that all real cowboys tuck their jeans in their boots. Who will know?


In the news:
Lost Boys exiled by fundamentalist Mormon sect
More irresponsible crap from The Guardian. The Lost Boys were the scourge of Santa Carla, California, NOT Arizona and Utah. And don't tell me that they were wiped out in 1987- When David got impaled on those deer antlers, did you notice that he did not disintegrate like all the other vampires? You can't kill a vampire with deer antlers! I betcha Santa Carla is still plagued by vampires, though they are not the 'Lost Boys' any more. Now they are the 'Lost Middle Aged Guys with Mullets and Dangly Earrings'.

I only force choke you because I love you.

Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith
The Abridged Script(TM)

Warning: Bad language, disrespect to George Lucas, anterior teleology

Religion

Just sent off the July article for The Taichung Voice. The month's topic is 'Theology'. I'm not sure that it was a particularly suitable topic for me to write about, but I guess Lance is thinking that it might be better to offend everyone equally than to only offend certain faiths. Anyway, I had to Google a whole bunch of stuff, so here are a bunch of links that I'm going to post here and then delete from my bookmarks. Red A, you had asked to see a couple of these, so I've tried to describe what some of them are. The links are not in any particular order.

Taiwan GIO Religion page- Has government stats for the number of members for the major religions in Taiwan. Note Tian De Jiao at #7, and the 53,000 Muslims in Taiwan.

Wikipedia on Metaphysics

Another GIO site on religion, with overlapping material from the first. I did not use the word 'syncretistic' in the article, but I think it's a pretty neat word, and most suitable to descibe Taiwanese approach to religion.

Taiwaninfo.org on religion I have been to Lukang a couple of times, and have never seen the Muslim influence there. But then again, I was never really looking for it.

GIO site, Religions (index)

God Wars: which memes will adapt and win the battle for humanity's devotion? Some odd Geocities site. Even I won't touch the religion-as-meme approach.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints page on Taiwan Number of members: 38,735 That's after 49 years of missionaries in Taiwan. Compare to the Phillipines: 526,180

Introduction to I-Kuan Tao

U.S. Department of State, Religious Freedom, Taiwan

The Presbyterian Church in Taiwan has been active in politics, particularly in the pro-independence movement, and maintains contact with some elements of the ruling Democratic Progressive Party.

Encyclopedia- Protestant Denominations

Google Image Search- Guan Gong

Sunday.

Ganked from Apostropher.

The Zompist Phrasebook.

"Der Page will mir kein Koks bringen."

I gotta remember that phrase next time I'm in Germany.

What a difference 7 years makes

In 1998, I flew from St Petersburg. to Taipei via Los Angeles and Seoul. When I arrived at the airport in St. Pete, I realized that I still had my Spyderco Endura* in my pocket. I showed it to the security guy at the gate, and asked him what I should do. He opened the blade, laid it across the palm of his hand, and said no problem- I could carry it on board. This is the knife:



And I have pretty big hands.

Fast forward to 2005. I'm flying from the Long Beach (CA) airport to Las Vegas, having arrived a few hours earlier from Taipei. On my keychain, I have a ratcheting bits driver. I am told in no uncertain terms that I cannot bring the tool onto the plane. I protest that even with my amazing kung-fu pirate skills, I would have a hard time using it as a weapon. I was told: "Sorry sir, no tools are allowed."

Here is the tool in question:



Times change. With an Endura, you could slaughter and dress out a water buffalo (or a pilot) if you had the need or inclination. With a ratcheting bits driver (and no bits), you could... quickly and efficiently remove any 1/4" hex fasteners you found. So that could be pretty dangerous, if modern airplanes are held together with 1/4" fasteners. Could be, I guess. I don't know much about airplanes.

* Thank you again Johnny Atomic.

Am I the Only One Who Finds this Weird?

Orthodox Jews United Against Zionism.

Just when I thought I'd heard of everything. Now somebody find me a site for Fundamentalist Muslims who support Isreal, and I'll call it a day. I cannot out-irony that. No way.

Glad *that* weekend is over

Let's be clear about a couple of points. 1) There was no Axis & Allies game on Saturday. Because it was... raining. Yeah that's it, the game was rained out. So I could not have possibly lost a game that did not occur. 2) There was no chess last night. Because I was... at church all night, in preparation for the, the thing we had do at church. Eucharist preparation, I think it was. So I absolutely could not have lost every single game of chess at Salut, since I wasn't there.

Last Saturday night there was a South African party at FM. I went there after the Axis & Allies game that did not happen. There was South African music, South African food, and intoxicated South African people. Not a bad shindig, as parties go.

Taichung report of Friday night, June 3

Ow, my head.

Went to the new pub/bar/whatever that opened upstairs from Frog. The band Baked Beans was playing. They are a country band. How much did I have to drink? Well, I danced to country music. That's how much I had to drink. Somebody please let Simon know that the vodka shots at 1:00AM were not, strictly speaking, necessary.

Odd thing last night. There was chili. And I ate a bowl. Now understand that when it comes to victuals and beverages, I am not what you would call picky. Is it made from a grain, carbonated, and contains alcohol? It's beer, and I'm not gonna get all hung up on things like flavor or formaldehyde content. Is it brown, hot, and contains caffeine? It's coffee, and I'll take four cups please, especially this morning. But for chili, I suddenly get imbued with this set of standards by which the chili must be evaluated. Not sure why this is, since I can't even cook my own chili any more, but they're there. Flavor, texture, consistently, spiciness, color, etc., even after four beers last night, I'm sitting there slowly eating this chili with a thoughtful look on my face... "Hmm. Bold, but not overbearing, with a touch of exotic sincerity." I don't think the chili would have won first prize at a U.S. chili contest, but it might have placed in the top five, which is pretty good for a chili in Taichung, Taiwan.

Imagine my shock to discover that the chili was made by Paddy. As in Canadian Paddy. As in, the Paddy that is not from the United States, because he is from Canada. So now I'm kind of conflicted. I ate chili made by a foreigner, and I liked it. A Canadian foreigner. Who made chili. That was pretty good. Go figure.

Police Brutality!

This incident happened Aug. 6, 2004 (in Florida, as you might expect), so I'm not sure why it hit Fark today. It is disturbing and funny at the same time. Here is some unsolicited advice from me- When a cop says:

"Get out of the car or I'm going to tase you."

Here are some good responses:

"Yes sir.", or "Yes Ma'am."
"Right away."
"OK."
"Sure thing."
"Where would you like me to stand?"

Here are some responses that aren't so good:

"Why?"
"I'm calling someone."
"I'm calling someone to let them know my situation."
"No."
"Why don't you go to hell, you goose-stepping fascist?"

Now let it not be said that I endorse police brutality, but justice is justice. The woman was clearly:

1) Driving a SUV
2) Speeding
3) Talking on a cellphone

So a solid tazing or two is in order. If she's transporting a bag of golf clubs in the back of the SUV, you could go ahead and mace her as well. Not even Aristotle would complain.

For more level-headed views on this issue, see Chris Rock, How Not to get you Ass Kicked by the Police
and
The Ferrett's story: The Man Who Knew his Rights

Simplify. Leave your answer in the comments. No need to show your work. Use of calculators is not allowed.

UPDATE (6/3/05): Had a phone conference with the math teacher in question. She actually tried to explain to me on the phone that [sqrt x^10] cannot be simplified because no factors of 10 are perfect squares. How much is a years tuition at Lincoln costing these days?

Googlestomper

Today, this blog is the number four hit in a Google search of Hot Mormon Girls. Who would make such a search? And why am I only hit number five for Taichung Lesbians? Fortunately, searching for Chess King Karl Taiwan yields the absolutely correct result.

More Prior Art Stuff

I'll pay a thousand dollars to anyone who can give me prior art showing a combination wrench with a 90 degree twist in the handle, published before 1998, and in Germany. Because it turns out that German gebrauchsmuster patents are not affected by prior art from countries outside of Germany. Stupid Jerrys.

The 'Edge of Space'???

Good post and discussion over at the Peking Duck: China's Snag

======================================================

Via The Gentle Rant, a link to an article at Commondreams: Air Force Seeks Bush's Approval for Space Weapons Programs:

Another Air Force space program, nicknamed Rods From God, aims to hurl cylinders of tungsten, titanium or uranium from the edge of space to destroy targets on the ground, striking at speeds of about 7,200 miles an hour with the force of a small nuclear weapon.

Let's make a few things clear. "Rods From God" is not a very good name for this program. I recommend "Bolts From Buddha". Also, 7200 miles per hour is just over 10,000 feet per second, the preferred units when speaking of lethal velocities. Now, 10000 ft/sec is pretty fast. That is twice as fast as the fastest bullet.* It's almost ten times the speed of sound. It is almost as fast as Bread's chips move to the center of the table when he is bluffing.

But striking with the force of a small nuke? I think these tungsten cylinders are going to have to be pretty damn big. I calculate that they would need to be at least the size of a small bus. Granted, I'm using a fairly loose definition of the word 'calculate' this afternoon**. Either way, the Air Force guys had better find out a way to spin the projectiles to give 'em some stability, lest they end up with a big cosmic blunderbuss.


*Unless Robin wants to tell us about some obscure rifle that shoots at over 5000 fps. I'm sure somebody has made one somewhere.
**Yeah I made it up. You want science? Kent's blog is right over there ----------------->

George Will on Bryson

George Will and I are not exactly ideological allies, but I have no particular animus towards the guy. As conservatives go, his positions are reasonably nuanced and fair, and in a world where people will attentively listen to Bill O'Reilly, lefties might be thankful that there are conservatives like George. The fact that he is a baseball fan is unforgivable, but until the U.S. Congress comes to its senses and outlaws baseball, there isn't much to be done for it.

So I was kind of enjoying George Will's article on Bill Bryson. Good to see Bryson getting props from a fairly broad political spectrum. Then I hit the second to last paragraph:

This is so because the greatest threat to civility- and ultimately to civilization- is an excess of certitude. The world is much menaced just now by people who think that the world and their duties in it are clear and simple. They are certain that they know what-who-created the universe and what this creator wants them to do to make our little speck in the universe perfect, even if extreme measures- even violence- are required.

Did you just hear a high keening sound, followed by a loud 'POP'? That was the sound of my much-abused irony meter redlining again, and finally burning out. An excess of certitude? Even violence? Mr. Will, may I please remind you that you are a REPUBLICAN for crying out loud? Do you recall what your party calls someone who has only an intermediate amount of certitude? You call him a FLIP FLOPPER! Does not the phrase "certain that they know what- who- created the universe and what this creator wants them to do" describe EXACTLY the religious wing of your party? The current president of the United States is not exactly a guy to ponder the subtle complexities of issues, he knows that he is right and he acts on his certitude.

I wonder what Bill Bryson would say...

Taichung Sports Update

The KS Tools foosball team crushed the Hi-Five foosball team 10 - 2 at FM last night. Mutterings of 'Kraut', 'Jerry' and 'Blockhead' were heard.

Sunday night chess: Thirsting for retribution and only slightly staggering, I dispensed such an unholy smackdown over the chessboard at Salut that Nick turned purple, grew horns, and climbed a tree to escape my ferocity.

Someone got a yellow card for unsportsmanlike conduct at poker??? I'm not sure- I had to work on Saturday so I left poker early Friday night. I hope there was kung-fu involved.

Axis & Allies, this Saturday, June 4, 14:00 hours. My house. It's also the 16th anniversary of the Tiananmen Massacre, so everyone should expect for me to have a couple of beers and ramble on about it for a while. Pay me no mind, I do it every year. There may be one point of confusion at this Saturday's game: I have invited Jaurei (she is the photographer whose work has been shown at FM) to come play with us. The point of confusion is this- Since our last game quickly degenerated into verbose claims of who had the largest membrum virile, I am unsure as to how Jaurei will be able to really participate, insofar as she is a she and therefore somewhat lacking in the 'Little Elvis' department. Anyway, Mike, Malv and Aaron, leave a comment and let me know if you are up for a game this Saturday.

The Final Nail in the Coffin...

...of one of my favorite things from childhood. Cynthia and I saw Revenge of the Sith last night. Forget the money, I want my 2 1/2 hours back. I had the feeling we were in trouble when early in the movie, Obi Wan says to Anakin:

"I have to report to the Council. Besides, someone needs to be the poster boy."

A poster boy ??? As in poster child ??? As in "a child afflicted by some disease or deformity whose picture is used on posters to raise money for charitable purposes"??? I guess it's possible, if bad acting can be construed as a "disease or deformity".

===========================================================

Follow-up to yesterday's post, I need to add a tenet to Wookieeism:

5) Bowcasters

Score: Apostropher 1, Card 0

Orson Scott Card didn't like Attack of the Clones either, and murdered millions of electrons explaining why a cloned army would not be practical. Oh yeah Orson? How about a cloned army of The Undertaker? March a 100,000 strong army of Undertakers into Bahgdad, and watch those rebels scatter into Syria and beyond.

In Card's lastest review, he unloads both barrels on Jedi-ism as a religion, and Apostropher nails him to the wall for it. But I need to take this opportunity to point out that anyone who is seriously considering converting to Jedi is misguided. There is only one true religion to be learned from Star Wars, and that is Wookieeism. The tenets are quite simple:

1) If you lose in chess, rip your opponent's arms off.
2) You must complain loudly before jumping into trash compactors
3) There is no praying, as such, but you must try to bang two stormtroopers heads together each day.
4) AAAOOOORRRAH GROOOOOHHH AYYYYRRRRRR.



I'm not sure if Orson Scott Card will approve of Wookieeism either, as the religion's adherents are comprised of very few white and delightsome people.
/rimshot

From Fark: President Participates in Social Security Conversation in New York

See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.

"Catapult the propaganda" has kind of an irritating cadence. I really wish he would say: "trebuchet the party line", but 'trebuchet' is French so I betcha Bush refuses to use that word. Besides, "Catapult the propaganda" is an anagram for "Got a charlatan ad puppet", and those America haters will jump all over something like that.


=====================================================================


In other news, David Wong enjoys his online status as a an arrogant and sarcastic right-wing nutbag. But when he writes about computer games, nobody can touch him. Not even The Ferrett. (Warning: If you read his ((David Wong's)) article out loud, your grandmother will make you wash your mouth out with soap)

Time to Take a Stand

There are times when one need to look at an issue from an objective, analytical standpoint. Try to understand all viewpoints, and search for a practical resolution that maximizes justice and good for all parties involved. But then there are some issues that are too important, where the subject matter involves threats to the very fabric of our culture, society and civilization.

This issue is one of the latter: Pirate pride, ninja nay-saying

It is INTOLERABLE that ninjas are even allowed on university campuses! Ninjas would take away American citizens' Second Amendment Right to Swashbuckle if they had the chance, and it is only Buccaneer perseverance that keeps this country safe. But the issue that really needs to be addressed is the immorality of ninjas. Here goes:

NINJITSU IS A SIN AGAINST GOD - GOD HATES NINJITSU AND NINJAS!

I keep reading and hearing about how God loves everyone and that ninjitsu isn't really a sin, its just the way some people were born and they can't help it. Well, its not true. Ninjas want to be so totally sweet. Everybody starts out pretty much not even a mammal, per se.

There is a huge movement in America (and the world) to justify ninjitsu as "just another lifestyle". Ninjas are trying to force their CHOSEN life style on us. They are attacking us in our schools by trying to force lessons which will convince students that its perfectly acceptable to choose to be a ninja.

Well first of all if everybody was born ninja then the human race wouldn't last very long because everyone would have their head cut off after awhile and we would just die out.

In the Bible, in Genesis, God created Adam and Eve and two parrots. He could have created two ninjas but He didn't. He created eyepatches. So right from the beginning God meant for men and women to swashbuckle but not two people who are dressed in black pajamas to be flipping out and killing people. The thought of it just makes me sick! Wailing on a guitar? Yuck!

When I was not a Pirate I saw dirty movies about men flipping out and killing people and women having real ultimate power. If you stop and think about it, it just isn't a natural thing.

Sports like football, baseball, wrestling and hockey can help keep your mind off of popping huge boners.

So God gave us a lot of instructions in the Bible about not flipping out and killing people. It is a sin to do that and it is a sin to turn ninja.

(". . .the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may uppercut them.")

Lot went outside to the men of the town and told them they could even have sex with his virgin daughters if they wanted to but that they shouldn't flip out on the men. Lot felt really strong about being ninja if he was willing to let the men do it to his virgin daughters to keep them from fighting all the time:

"And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof. Avast."

Then the men visiting Lot, who were really pirate captains, told Lot to get his family together and leave town fast because the pirates decided they would nuke the whole town of Sodom.

". . .whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it and all places that have ninjas. Yar."

The two angels even told Lot that they shouldn't look back when they left town. But Lot's wife look back and she got turned into a shaker of salt. Ninja salt.

Now that should prove to anybody who reads this that God hates ninjas because He killed them like flies in the Bible. If God ever decides to kill all the rest of the ninjas, I think Osaka would be a dead city.

The following scripture proves that ninjitsu is incompatible with being a moral person:

1 Corinthians 6:8-10 -- Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers. Do you not know that the ninjas will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither those who fly nor those who stab nor those who wear black (except Goths) nor samurai nor zombies nor robots will inherit the kingdom of God.

Here is another version of the same scripture:

1 Corinthians 6:9 - Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither samurai, nor idolaters, nor guitar players, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind.

You can substitute the word "effeminate" for "ninja". I like to call them "kurisuchan" to embarass and demean them.

So as far as I am concerned if a man tries to act totally sweet by swishing around and cutting off people's heads, he is probably ninja and God hates ninjas. You just read that. It says so in the Bible.

The thing to remember is that being ninja is against God's law and His law stands just as much today as it did when He wrote the Bible. And the Bible says that if a man uppercuts some kid because the kid opened a window, he should be put to death. The man, not the kid. I hope our great born again Christian president, George W. Bush gets a law in so that all ninjas get executed or at least that they all get sent to an island.

Also don't forget the reason we have metal guitar solos and Steven Seagal is because God is punishing us because of ninjitsu. That is the only reason.

If you are a ninja, you have a disease. You are very, very sick. Ask God to turn you into a regular normal pirate and make you well again. Also, get an eye patch. It will be hard but God will help you if you really want to swashbuckle and you haven't gotten used to flipping out and killing people so much that you don't want to quit anymore.

One good way besides pillaging and getting a peg leg is to play a lot of sports and make your self exhausted so you don't have time to fool around with flipping out and killing people.

See also Ninjapirate.com

Thanks to Caleb Hamer for the template for moral outrage.

Things that are pissing me off this week

1) Simcity 4000, Formosa is pissing me off. I loaded up this stupid game to write an article for the June issue of The Taichung Voice, the theme of which is 'city government'. In the article, I describe the comical events that unfold as I tried to design and manage a smooth and efficient Taichung as opposed to the actual Taichung in which we live. Since I had no idea what I was doing, my Taichung was a catastrophic mess of pollution, mismanaged finances, and angry citizens. But after I submitted the article (only 32 hours over deadline), I figured I could go ahead and play the game a little bit more, understand the dynamics, and quickly master it just as I master all other things I attempt in my life. And I picked Kaohsiung instead of Taichung because the terrain is a lot more forgiving there. Five fucking Kaohsiungs later, I am still building catastrophic messes of pollution, mismanaged finances, and angry citizens. Since this is the Formosa version, there should be a couple of options in the game to make city building easier: Bribing Central Government officials for lucrative federal investments, taking payoffs from gang figures to ease the financial situation, and most importantly, the ability to launch a White Terror period to throw all the angry citizens in jail.

2) Rev. Creighton Lovelace of Danieltown Baptist Church is pissing me off. You start talking about flushing objects that people consider holy or sacred, and there goes the Bible, the American Flag, Gibran's The Prophet, etc. And then somebody is going to try and flush my Barry Manilow cd's, and then there is going to be trouble.

3) Giblets is pissing me off. Making war on the sun. That's just crazy talk. The sun is not the enemy, heat is the enemy. And the problem is compounded by all that cheap, low quality heat being imported from China. Nothing that can't be solved by simply dumping all the extra heat into the Grand Canyon. Foolish Giblets.

Last word on Vegas

My ambiguity on Las Vegas endured until my last night, when I tried to articulate my opinion to Mike, the aging hippy taxi driver who was conveying me to Ra. I was in for about half a dozen Budweisers and about that many vodka & Red Bulls, and I was sure that an elucidation of what Las Vegas is all about should include the word "contrived". Mike (who lived on Ashbury in San Francisco in 1966) put it thus:

"It's a plastic trip, man."

Thank you Mike, for expressing this truth so succinctly.

Vegas Marketing

I was walking down the strip, and a nice young man handed me a brightly colored card with words on the back. Upon further examination, I noticed that the front of the card had a picture of an attractive (and it would appear, rather limber) woman. On the back of the card is the following text:

FREE
INTRODUCTION, NO OBLIGATION
-Specializing in-
HOT
One-on-One Action
Satisfaction Guaranteed
369-3**1
DIRECT TO YOU IN YOUR ROOM IN 20 MINUTES OR LESS

1 Girl for $35
2 Girls for $80
3 Girls for $99

Credit Cards Accepted
If paying by credit card - your statement will not show nature of the business
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now the information on this card raises some interesting questions, since I have never been to this city and do not know how things are done here. For example, for $198 could I get six hot girls to my room in 20 minutes or less? But if I spent the $198, would I be sacrificing quality for quantity- since they state clearly that they specialize in 'One-on-One Action' and not Six-on-One Action'? This 'Satisfaction Guaranteed' is another puzzler. The card says nothing about bacon, rutabagas, or leg irons, so I don't see at all how I would be necessarily satisfied by such an encounter.

I don't see any meadows

I'm in Las Vegas. This is my first time here. I do not know whether I am appalled or enchanted. Pehaps when the jet lag wears off I'll be able to sort out this ambivalence.

Taiwan had an election last Saturday. I was kind of surprised that the TSU did so well, and it's always good to see the inept losers of the PFP get a smackdown. Good commentary on Tim Maddog's blog.(Warning: language, liberalism, inadequate eschatology)

A reply to Kent

In this post by Kent, he bemoans the fact that Pragmatism is still alive and well in this country. I found this doubly surprising- Pragmatists don't usually generate much ire, and anyway, Kent is a Mormon. I left this comment to his post:

"No offense Kent, but I would think that a Mormon would take a kinder view of Pragmatism."

He replied that he was not sure what I was getting at. Since Haloscan comments cut ya' off at fifty words, I've had to move the whole shindig over here. Here we go:

Kent, you probably know better than I what critics and skeptics of the Mormon faith say, but even a generous analysis shows that many points are demonstrably false (i.e. Israelites in the New World). Now some will say that those false tenets would indicate that Joseph Smith was either disingenuous or deluded. A Pragmatist however, would point out that in practice, Mormon doctrine and moral codes lead to happy, productive lives for their practitioners. Therefore, the original veracity of the faith's origin is not (as) important. Truth is defined by a Pragmatist as that which succeeds in practice, and all of the Mormons I have encountered seem to exemplify "success in practice" for the belief system in question.

That's why I think that Mormons would take a kinder view of Pragmatism, since the faith will fare less well against a more rigid epistemology. In addition, I am baffled by your statement that Pragmatism is not a philosophy that should appeal to conservatives. If that is so, what is a philosophy that should appeal to conservatives?

I gotta switch back to CNN or something

From Foxnews: Four Killed in Afghan Anti-U.S. Riots

"Growing urban unrest could pose another security challenge for the U.S.-backed Afghan government, which is already battling a reinvigorated Taliban insurgency."

What's all this about a "reinvigorated Taliban insurgency"??? What in the hell reinvigorated it? And the article says that the protests may expand into Pakistan. Well, the U.S. had better just keep smothering Pakistan with IMF loans, while at the same time arming them to the teeth with weapons sales. Because I can't see anything at all that could possibly go wrong with that approach.

=================================================

In other news, there was some kind of brouhaha about the accuracy of news stories at an online news site. I think this is an opportune moment for me to reassure readers of the 100% veracity of everything that is written on this blog. Just after I received my PhD in Journalism from Harvard University, I dedicated myself to a lifetime of reporting nothing but the absolute truth. That was just before I received the Silver Star for my actions in the first Gulf War. Granted, there were times when I was tempted to bend the truth, like when I was simultaneously dating Julia Roberts and Lucy Liu and Liv Tyler, and they all found out about each other and had this huge catfight in my living room, but finally I decided to spare no details- the public has a right to know. I will speak more of my journalistic integrity later; Gary Kasparov keeps buzzing me on MSN- it looks like he needs help with another chess problem.

Online Shopping Tip

So, you were surfing around the web, and you ran across a pair of Tanker Boots. And you thought to yourself: "I sure could 'put the boot' to someone with a pair of those." Then you looked at the price, and decided to shop around a couple of different online stores to find a pair that was a) cheaper and b) shipped to Taiwan. Then you found Botach Tactical, who sell the same boots pretty cheap and seem willing to ship anywhere. Oh foolish shopper! For all your vaunted skepticism, and your belief that you are a hardened cynic when it comes to all things online, you couldn't have done a quick search to check the stores online reviews? because the line:

"I wouldn't let Usama Bin Ladin order from these clowns!!"

might have have been a an important hint that your transaction would not go smoothly.

So now you are disputing a credit card charge for only the second time in your life. And you are pretty sure that you would rather be a prison guard at Abu Ghraib than do business with Botach again. Better start wearing Birkenstocks or something.

Referred by Kevin F.: The Betelnutblogger. I don't know who Johnd is, but I betcha I can drink more beer than he can. Nice taste in blogger templates though.

Spywhere?

Stumbleupon insists that their product is neither adware or spyware. Webroot's free spy audit disagrees, fingering Stumbleupon as a baddie. Since Stumbleupon was fun for about two days and I haven't used it since, I'll go with the Webroot view and nuke it.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Recommended by Garrett over a beer some night last week: Ifilm's Viralvideo section. Some funny stuff, some not so funny stuff. As good a way as any to spend Monday morning in the office.

Saturday Axis & Allies Update

It is done. Red A and Cueball Malv thought they could challenge the strategic capabilities of Michael and I. When all was done, Russia had crumbled like a cheap cookie, and America had flailed its fleets about impotently in the Pacific to no effect. As they left my house, Red A muttered about the need for "more chickens", in what I assume was a reference to his Santeria practice. Malv cried like a little girl after losing, then went home to put on his favorite pink sun dress, and play with his dolls. I hear that's what he always does when he is blue.

Best lines of the day:

Red A: They changed all the pieces. This doesn't look anything like an American World War II fighter.

Michael Turton: THAT IS A P-38! Here is the window, you may leave any time you like.

As it turns out, Mr. Turton knows more about WWII than you, me, or any normal person. But he knows how to effectively combine air and sea forces to optimum advantage, so I'll not hold it against him.

With Titles and Everything

So the Haloscan comments were pissing me off, in that they seemed to be automatically deleted after a couple of weeks- No comments on any of the posts in the archives, which I thought was a shame. I went in and deleted the Haloscan comments and turned on the Blogger comments, and it didn't work. So I changed some more stuff. And it didn't work.

And then I got mad and there was a horrendous html bloodletting on the template, and then nothing was working.

So I pulled a new template from Blogger, and this is it. We'll see what happens.

I want more quizzes like this one

From Kent's post at Debunkers, a quiz called The What's Your Signature Weapon Test written by inurashii.

Maul You preferred a weapon with 81% power over speed and 21% range over melee.

You use a Maul. Inelegant? You? We'll see who's still alive to say that when you're finished. A fearsome hammer is your weapon of choice, a great equalizer that decimates armored and unarmored foes alike. No one will doubt your strength when you emerge from battle unharmed, your foes battered and broken.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 99% on power You scored higher than 11% on range

Odd. I would have imagined that my signature weapon woulde be a barstool, teeth, or a boot. But speaking of mauls, Taichung will see another day of carnage tomorrow at my house when the noob commandants Red A and Michael Turton show up to display their tactical prowess. Also, the depilated old school terror Malv will be there, desperately trying to avenge the unholy ass-whuppin' he got last month. And Kent's blog, trolling in shadow water is up and running again.