Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Time to Take a Stand

There are times when one need to look at an issue from an objective, analytical standpoint. Try to understand all viewpoints, and search for a practical resolution that maximizes justice and good for all parties involved. But then there are some issues that are too important, where the subject matter involves threats to the very fabric of our culture, society and civilization.

This issue is one of the latter: Pirate pride, ninja nay-saying

It is INTOLERABLE that ninjas are even allowed on university campuses! Ninjas would take away American citizens' Second Amendment Right to Swashbuckle if they had the chance, and it is only Buccaneer perseverance that keeps this country safe. But the issue that really needs to be addressed is the immorality of ninjas. Here goes:


I keep reading and hearing about how God loves everyone and that ninjitsu isn't really a sin, its just the way some people were born and they can't help it. Well, its not true. Ninjas want to be so totally sweet. Everybody starts out pretty much not even a mammal, per se.

There is a huge movement in America (and the world) to justify ninjitsu as "just another lifestyle". Ninjas are trying to force their CHOSEN life style on us. They are attacking us in our schools by trying to force lessons which will convince students that its perfectly acceptable to choose to be a ninja.

Well first of all if everybody was born ninja then the human race wouldn't last very long because everyone would have their head cut off after awhile and we would just die out.

In the Bible, in Genesis, God created Adam and Eve and two parrots. He could have created two ninjas but He didn't. He created eyepatches. So right from the beginning God meant for men and women to swashbuckle but not two people who are dressed in black pajamas to be flipping out and killing people. The thought of it just makes me sick! Wailing on a guitar? Yuck!

When I was not a Pirate I saw dirty movies about men flipping out and killing people and women having real ultimate power. If you stop and think about it, it just isn't a natural thing.

Sports like football, baseball, wrestling and hockey can help keep your mind off of popping huge boners.

So God gave us a lot of instructions in the Bible about not flipping out and killing people. It is a sin to do that and it is a sin to turn ninja.

(". . .the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter: And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may uppercut them.")
Lot went outside to the men of the town and told them they could even have sex with his virgin daughters if they wanted to but that they shouldn't flip out on the men. Lot felt really strong about being ninja if he was willing to let the men do it to his virgin daughters to keep them from fighting all the time:
"And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him, And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly. Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof. Avast."

Then the men visiting Lot, who were really pirate captains, told Lot to get his family together and leave town fast because the pirates decided they would nuke the whole town of Sodom.

". . .whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place: For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it and all places that have ninjas. Yar."

The two angels even told Lot that they shouldn't look back when they left town. But Lot's wife look back and she got turned into a shaker of salt. Ninja salt.

Now that should prove to anybody who reads this that God hates ninjas because He killed them like flies in the Bible. If God ever decides to kill all the rest of the ninjas, I think Osaka would be a dead city.

The following scripture proves that ninjitsu is incompatible with being a moral person:

1 Corinthians 6:8-10 -- Instead, you yourselves cheat and do wrong, and you do this to your brothers. Do you not know that the ninjas will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither those who fly nor those who stab nor those who wear black (except Goths) nor samurai nor zombies nor robots will inherit the kingdom of God.

Here is another version of the same scripture:

1 Corinthians 6:9 - Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither samurai, nor idolaters, nor guitar players, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind.

You can substitute the word "effeminate" for "ninja". I like to call them "kurisuchan" to embarass and demean them.

So as far as I am concerned if a man tries to act totally sweet by swishing around and cutting off people's heads, he is probably ninja and God hates ninjas. You just read that. It says so in the Bible.

The thing to remember is that being ninja is against God's law and His law stands just as much today as it did when He wrote the Bible. And the Bible says that if a man uppercuts some kid because the kid opened a window, he should be put to death. The man, not the kid. I hope our great born again Christian president, George W. Bush gets a law in so that all ninjas get executed or at least that they all get sent to an island.

Also don't forget the reason we have metal guitar solos and Steven Seagal is because God is punishing us because of ninjitsu. That is the only reason.

If you are a ninja, you have a disease. You are very, very sick. Ask God to turn you into a regular normal pirate and make you well again. Also, get an eye patch. It will be hard but God will help you if you really want to swashbuckle and you haven't gotten used to flipping out and killing people so much that you don't want to quit anymore.

One good way besides pillaging and getting a peg leg is to play a lot of sports and make your self exhausted so you don't have time to fool around with flipping out and killing people.

See also

Thanks to Caleb Hamer for the template for moral outrage.


Robin said...

Uh, I don't get it.

Karl said...

You should remember the RealUltimatePower site, it was in Debunkers' Mixed Nuts a few years back. About two years ago on the RUP boards, a mock flamewar erupted over which was cooler: ninjas or pirates. It's been running as a low-level internet fad since then, and the Stanford article was a nod to the joke*.

I saw the Caleb Hamer site, which is a spoof of gay bashing, and tried to just substitute 'ninja' where he said 'queer'. So it's a parody of a spoof of a joke fad. Or something.

*Except that pirates are so much totally cooler than ninjas it's not even funny. Yar.

Robin said...

Ah, I hadn't seen the mock flamewar.