Thursday, December 01, 2005

Raq 'em Up

I watched George Bush's speech last night on CNN. Well, actually I watched CSI Las Vegas on the AXN channel- the one with the serial killer who knew a lot about forensics and they tracked him down through the towels from the gym where he picked his victims. But they have a lot of commercials on AXN, so I flipped back to Bush's speech to skip the commercials. Here's what I'm thinking:

-I thought we were fighting the Islamofascists, who hate our freedom. But now Bush says we are fighting the Saddamists, who, believe it or not, also hate our freeedom. In there somewhere are the Baathists, freedom-haters to the last man.

-Horatio on CSI Miami is a lot more badass than Gil Grissom. If I was a criminal, I could outsmart Grissom. But Horatio Caine? No way. He tracks bad guys by shadows they left on the sidewalk three weeks ago. I think he might be a werewolf.

-In the speech, Bush quoted a Colonel Todd Wooder, talking about the Iraqi forces that the U.S. is training:
"These guys are patriots, willing to go out knowing the insurgents would like nothing better than to kill them and their families."
Wrong, Wooder! Even I know the answer to this one! They are not "insurgents". They are "terrorists", or "enemies of the government". Rumsfeld says so.

-How in the hell did Speed die? When did that happen? Was Speed's death partially Eric Delko's fault? 'Cause he seems to be kind of messed up by it.

-If you look at a transcript of the speech, you can see that Bush used the word "victory" 15 times, and "freedom" 22 times. Those of you with lesser learning in the mystical arts might wonder why that is. Let me explain: What Bush is doing is practicing the patriot's version of the Sufi technique called Dhikr. The Sufis will chant the name of God over and over, until they achieve a trance state in which the self is lost in ecstatic contemplation of God. By repeating the words "victory" and "freedom"unremittingly, Bush is helping the American people achieve a trance state in which doubt is lost in ecstatic contemplation of victory freedom.

-I sure would like to own the DVD box sets of every CSI episode ever made. Except the CSI New York series, 'cause that one wasn't so good. It's just too bad there isn't some sort of... I don't know, a holiday or something, where people would buy things for other people. The things could be called something like "gifts" or "presents" or another nice-sounding word. Maybe they could be wrapped in some kind of colorful paper, and everyone would unwrap the things on the morning of the holiday. Yeah, that would be cool.


Red A said...

CSI Miami sucks and Horatio is such a gay name. Grissom would take him down with Science before Horatio could whip his sunglasses on or off...

I guess this is some latent Floridian nationalism of yours...keep in mind CSI Miami is filmed in L.A. and they just use cut scenes from Miami to keep it real.

Red A said...

Speedy died because he never cleans his gun. He went into a mafia owned jewelry shop with Horatio, noticed some bad guys, pulled his gun but it wouldn't fire. So he got killed.

Later they found he didn't clean his gun (AGAIN!) But I stopped it right there, so maybe they found some curious mold that thrives on gun barrel metal and it wasn't really his own damn fault.

Other notes:

'We shall go on to the end, we shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our Island, whatever the cost may be, we shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender...'

Another example of a horrible Bush war speech. Notice the repetitive use of the word "fight" (over 7 times in one sentence!) Does Bush even know what a Thesaurus is?

Also, a historical note, your great-uncle Ponce Smith landing in Casablanca while under fire by Vich French forces, is quoted as saying, "I thoughts we was at war with the Japanese! Why is I bein' shot at by these darned Frenchies!" He then charged a French pillbox and bayoneted the occupants with great gusto, showing "Die you Nips! Remember the Maine, Pearl Harbor, and Tippecanoe and Taylor Too!

Karl said...

The important difference being that Winston Churchill had a very clear idea of the meaning of the word "fight". Bush could define neither "freedom" nor "victory" if his life depended on it.

Michael Turton said...

Fucking great post.

Just fucking great.

When are you gonna start publishing this stuff? You have a sense of satire with a sublime combination of precision and inventiveness, like those lasers that cross a great vaccum to measure the distance between the earth and the moon. It's just too bad you can't play chess.


Robin said...

During his time, Winston Churchill was subjected to far greater invective by British politicians and voters than George Bush has been.

So I shall continue to discount your anti-Bush opinions accordingly.

Karl said...

Think of them not so much as anti-Bush opinions, as anti-empty rhetoric opinions. I doubt that Bush wrote the speech himself.

How come nobody uses the word "conquest"? It's a good word. Better than "victory", which quite frankly sounds like war propaganda from the 40's. And I just don't think the word "freedom" resonates in the Arab world like it does in Indiana or Nebraska. Let's use some word that the Iraqis can get behind, hopefully something besides 'batshit crazy shiite fundamentalism'.

Angus said...

Karl: I thought the Sunnis were the batshit crazy fundamentalists. Damn, you really can't tell the sects without the playbook. Now, I think the shi'a are the majority in Iraq and they are being bothered really badly by the sunni insurgent/batshit terrorists. They both have various imams whose words they take as coming from or inspired by God. Like Dittoheads with guns and explosives, right? But the imams have sorta conflicting opinions and aims so things get sorta testy and they have to kill one another as well as the infidels sometimes. But I think the other big worry on the shiite side is the batshit fundamentalist shi'a guy that is now president of Iran, who is saying dumb crazy stuff that seems to even bug out the imams who run that country - apparently you can chant "death to this and that" in the local streets etc, but this stuff about "wipe israel off the map" when you are blatantly seeking nuclear capabilities that is the sort of zany rhetoric that even has the imams (who certainly feel that way but don't apparently feel the need to spout it to the international press like that)getting restless. Hmm. It's getting wackier over there. Hmm. Victory victory freedom freedom. Yeah, that does feel sorta good now that you mention it...

Angus said...

By the way, Karl, "conquest" implies a defined goal or a finality. Victory and Freedom are amorphous enough to be alleged as you retreat or declare victory for freedom and get the fuck out before your poll numbers go into the "lynch mob storming the white house" range. .

CJ said...

I like Horatio Caine the best also, And hes Hotter than Grissom. More sophisticated and sharp, sensitive. Who do you think will run in 2008?

Karl said...

Angus, when we were growing up, it was the sheehites who were the bad guys, and the Sunnis who were much more reasonable. Mr. McClellen told me so in my Social Studies class in the 7th grade. It was the Hseeheights who took our hostages in Iran, and Scheehiets that blew up our guys in Lebanon.

I just hope we don't ever start mixing up with the Sufi, because I think they are better at Dhikr than we are.

CJ, You mean for president? I have no idea. But I'd vote for Horatio.

Michael Turton said...

During his time, Winston Churchill was subjected to far greater invective by British politicians and voters than George Bush has been.

What does that have to do with anything?