Monday, October 05, 2009

Turn in your Man Card

Revised Masculinity Test for Chaon

Alright Chaon, I’m sorry that we have to go through this again, but there have been recent allegations that need to be addressed. So we need you to answer the following questions truthfully and to the best of your ability.
Ok

Do you like beer?
Of course.

What’s your favorite liquor?
Scotch

Do you like to watch two women making out?
Who doesn’t?

Kirk or Pickard?
Kirk

Do you like football?
Yes

What about MMA?
Well, sort of. You know… it’s…

I'm sorry. You are trying to say...?
Nothing! MMA is totally cool and I love it.

Which fruit most closely resembles your testicles?
Pumpkins

Pumpkins are not fruit.
Yes they are.

Cretin. Moving on, are you married?
Yes

Have you ever given your wife a ‘Dutch Oven’?
Is there any other reason to get married?

Not really. Besides shampoo, how many hair styling products do you regularly use?
I don’t understand the question.

Things like gel, mousse, hairspray. What do you use on your hair when you brush it before you leave the house?
Now I really don’t understand the question. Are you speaking English?

Forget it. Do you wear sandals?
Nope.

Scarves? Fanny pack? Speedos?
Nope nope nope.

Very good. We’re almost done. Did you watch the movie Mama Mia for the first time last night on HBO and think to yourself “This is the best movie ever”?
Yeah. I especially liked…

And we’re all done. Turn in your man card. Buy some pink dye for your Doc Martins. Do not attempt to watch football on Monday night with the guys at the bar. You will be chased away by a hail of empty drink containers and shouts of derision.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mama Mia is allowed for men. It was exempted along with Moulin Rouge.

Robin said...

Mama Mia is NOT allowed for men east of the Washington/Oregon/California state lines.

Men currently living in nations that cause them to overdose on testicle shrinking compounds like MSG ... have to apply for an exemption.

Karl said...

Truth be told, I probably consume less MSG than the average American. And I have gigantic gourdlike gonads to prove it.

Karl said...

Or 'godlike gonads'. They've been called both.

Robin said...

That's a virus. Your doc can clear that right up. Mama Mia still not allowed.

Robin said...

Oh, and your wife is gonna kick yer unmanly butt when she reads this.

Robin said...

Oh, I meant to ask. On the next to last question, how do you score a fanny pack with a Glock in it?

Karl said...

A Glock? Talk about turning in your man card. If you carry a Glock, just find a fanny pack with a nice pastel color to match your blouse and lipstick.

Robin said...

Right answer.

Karl said...

Whoa now. I think that makes three things in 12 years that we agree on.

Robin said...

I'm sure we could find #4.