Fischer please

Linked on FARK: Chess players to face anti-doping tests

This led to a semi-spirited discussion of what drugs a chessplayer would take to improve his/her performance. Personally, I just try to mainline caffeine before and during chess games, but it should be noted that I also need to mainline caffeine when attempting such tasks as reading, driving to work, or putting on my shoes.

A couple of people suggested that LSD would improve a player's chess game. Take it from me- LSD does not, not even a little bit, improve your chess game. But in the FARK thread, a user named semiotix posted this:

CHESS PLAYER ON LSD: An Internal Monologue in One Act, by Semiotix

PLAYER (to HIMSELF)
17. ...Be6
18. Bxb6 Bxc4+
19. Kg1 Ne2+
20. Kf1 Nxd4+ etc.

Okay, let's do that.

QUEEN
Excuse me?

PLAYER
Wha...?!

QUEEN
I said, excuse me? Did you just say "17. ...Be6
18. Bxb6"?
PLAYER
Um... yeah?

QUEEN
Well, who the fark is on b6?

PLAYER
I, um... are you talking to me?

QUEEN
WHO the FARK is on b6?!

PLAYER
Uh... you?

QUEEN
That's right. And am I being sacrificed for the other queen?

PLAYER
No.

QUEEN
And will this force an endgame? Mate in 2, mate in 3?

PLAYER
Well, not exactly, but, uh...

QUEEN
But what, motherfarker?

PLAYER
Well, I thought it would be cool to, like, press my attack with that bishop. It'd be... uh... positional, like.

QUEEN
Po-si-tion-al. biatch, you so farked up you can taste colors and you're about to let me get farked by that white bishop just so you can control the b-file? Fischer please.

PLAYER
Oh. Yeah, I guess I am kinda messed up right now.

QUEEN
Thinking you see mate twenty moves off by giving up your QUEEN for fifty cents and motherfarking green stamps? Yeah, biatch, maybe you're just a little messed up right at this precise moment.

PLAYER
Sorry.

QUEEN
Ain't no thing. Now go move that raggedy-ass rook up there in the corner. He's been sitting on his fat ass this whole game.

PLAYER
Okay. Sure, I'll... yeah.

QUEEN
Oh, and Bobby?

PLAYER
Yes?

QUEEN
This isn't going to make much sense right now, but remember: when the planes hit the World Trade Center forty-five years from now, it's all part of a Jewish conspiracy. Be sure you've got a Singaporean radio show by then so you can tell everyone.

PLAYER
Thanks, magical talking chess piece! I'll remember that!