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Dear Nice Merchant of Ye Olde Bike Shoppe,

I appreciate your immediately attempting to sell me a Cannondale upon hearing of my desire to purchase a new mountain bike, but as you can see from my business card, my family name is neither Brandybuck nor Took. Surely you have a bike frame around here somewhere sized for Balrogs. If not, you should at least have one proportioned for Cave Trolls, and we can work with an extra-long seat post or something.