Tampa, Florida. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Except maybe in Bradenton. Point is, all of Florida needs to be cleaned up, and the job calls for an honest, two-fisted paladin of justicicity. That's why this blog is considering the candidacy of... EJ Ford.
But as this blog is pretty stingy on the whole political endorsement thing, we'll have to withhold our endorsement until Ed Ford can give comprehensive and honest answers to the following questions:
1) There is no mention on your campaign site of your Irish ancestry. What are you hiding? How can the people of Florida be sure that you are not beholden to an ancient and clandestine cabal of Celtic overlords?
2) In 1980, you proposed a policy whereby members of the community would gather and work together towards a common goal- the tarring and feathering of as many rednecks that could be found. Do you still endorse this program?
3) Who would win in a fight between Colossus and Thor? Also, some people go around saying that Wolverine could beat Spiderman in a fight. What is the best way to punish those who say such vile things?
4) verenganvaD bang HotmeH tlhIngan qIt 'e' DaQub'a'?
5) Mullets are totally cool. Why don't you have one? I have a mullet, and it makes all the women want me with a fiery desire of lust fire.
6) The logo in the upper left corner of your site reminds me of... something. Are you sure you don't have any other secrets that you want to share with everyone?
7) Did I mention that my mullet is totally sweet? 'Cause it is.
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5 comments:
I would like to take an opportunity to speak in defense of my candidacy for office. I invite further inquiry, assuming anyone is actually reading this.
1) I am proud of my Irish ancestry, but I don't make a big deal about it for fear of alienating those in the community who have not been blessed with Emerald Ancestry. It's a gift; I don't want to make a big deal about it.
2) I no longer endorse any categorical tarring-and-feathering of any group of people. There are, always, individual exceptions.
3) You have to go with Thor in the first matchup (he's a god, natch). On the undercard, I doubt that Wolverine would get close enough to lay a hand on ol' Webhead.
4) I beg your pardon. Clearly I've wandered into the foreign language portion of our program. English is still my only language. I am not proud of this, but it remains the case.
5) Mullets are cool, when smoked and served with french fries.
6) Nope, aside from a reference to me being a rock-'em-sock-'em Democrat, no conscious references there. Enjoy!
7) You did mention the mullet. I still find it a little disturbing. Still, a man's hair is his castle. So to speak.
EJ Ford
Candidate for
State Representative, District 60
Well answered, young candidate. Excuse me, Dr. Young Candidate. We'll now grade your answers for Chewin' in the Chung endorsability.
1)Well all right. But if it turns out you are a high priest in the cult of Aonghus, I want a refund.
2)What about those filthy Lithuanians? Surely they all need a good tarrin' and featherin'.
3) Thor: "Od's Fish! I shall smite thee with my mighty hammer of Nordic rage!"
[KEEEANNNGGGG]
Colossus: "Pretty weak, Tovarishch."
[POW! Roll roll roll}
Thor: "Gadzooks! Unkind Baliwick!"
4) How can you represent the people of Florida when you cannot comprehend basic Klingon?
5) Is Skipper's Smokehouse still open? I love that place. And not just because it's the first place I ever smoked marijuana. Not that I ever smoked marijuana or anything, 'cause that would have been illegal.
6)Ah. Putting points into strength and speed, at the expense of body and stun. Risky strategy, I say.
7)My mullet is like ten men's castles. My view is, if yer gonna have a mid-life crisis, go with it. Pick the most ridiculous and embarrassing manifestations, short of buying a Hummer.
Final Score: Deontological Eschatology! Endorsement won! Everyone send EJ Ford some money! (That means you, Mom. You always said the Ford boys were polite young men)
Admit it, he's got you.
He is wearing a flag pin, so he has my approval.
Thanks for your support, you ambigurously assorted individual, you.
On a more serious note, this really is a good year to take the ol' head out of the hole in the ground and participate in politics.
It's time to make a difference. It's time to be great.
EJ Ford
Candidate
State Representative, D60
www.ejford.org
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