Chewin in the Chung

According to this article, the Atkins Diet is starting to wane in popularity. I guess it remains to be seen if it will turn out to be a fad, or have some kind of longer staying power.

I don't know much about the Atkins Diet, but it does seem to be a fairly controversial subject. It works. It doesn't work. It's unhealthy. It's healthy. It's immoral, unethical, oppressive, unscrupulous, or substantially injurious to consumers. It's a lifesaver.

Whatever it is, if it is losing popularity, then folks are gonna need something to replace it. And let it never be said that I let a marketing niche pass by ungrasped. So I hereby present the newest and bestest diet around...

How to have a body like Karl's
You see, people often look at me and say: "What an astonishing body shape and size you have!" Well, that is true. While my body shape is not unique, it is shared almost exclusively by me and my Odobenidaeic brethren. If you want to look like us, just follow these diet rules:
-Consume 4.2% - 6.2% of your total body weight in food every day
-Eat less on northward migration
-You may eat as many as 3000 - 6000 clams at a single feeding
-Do not chew your food, but you may crush clam shells
Things to eat:
-Molluscs, mainly bivalves such as clams
-Other kinds of benthic invertebrates including worms, gastropods, cephalopods, crustaceans, sea cucumbers, and other soft-bodied animals
-Fish such as polar cod
-Seals, mainly ringed and bearded seals (NOTE: Your skin may become grease-stained from the blubber of the seals)

Also note: You must stay on this diet forever, in order to maintin my inimitable mass & proportions.