Local Publisher says: I Find this to be Entirely Unacceptable

Lower, to the right…. Up a little… Ah, perfect! Right there. No, just use the regular hot oils. The refined ambrosia essence does leave the skin smoother, but I am afraid the residue will tarnish my Rolex.

 

What? Speak English, Helga. You know I had to fire the Swedish interpreter for not bowing low enough when I entered the room. Oh I see. Jeeves is delivering today’s missives. You may continue, Helga. Jeeves, I hope that is not a wrinkle I see in your suit. A shadow? OK then, hand me the correspondence.

 

This first item. Ah yes, my new Jaguars have arrived. Jeeves, have these cars stationed at each of my six mansions around the city. And make sure my drivers’ uniforms match the vehicle colors. Do not disappoint me Jeeves.

 

Second item: Corning Incorporated has refused my generous offer to purchase 51% of their outstanding shares! Tell me Jeeves, exactly with whom does this company think they are dealing? Do they not realize that I am a Publisher of an Expatriate-Oriented Magazine in Taichung? Do they take me for some common... manufacturer? Jeeves, have the acquisitions unit double our offer. I have to do something with these great bins of cash lying around. You know, sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to spend all this money generated from the publishing of a premier source of lifestyle, entertainment and reference information.     

 

The third and final item. Jeeves, why have you handed me this jumble of… newsprint? Ugh. Vile stuff. And what do these words on the front page mean: “The Pulse”? Is this some kind of…

 

Oh. My. Goodness. I simply can not believe this! ANOTHER local magazine?!?!

 

As if there is not enough so-called competition in this industry already! It seems like you can hardly order an authentic and flavorful tapas, or sit down for an economically-priced yet filling pizza, without being overwhelmed by a huge collection of English language magazines. How is the Taichung expatriate community going to have time to read all of these periodicals? And how does FM afford to buy advertising space in every single one? Jeeves! Bring me a tonic at once!

 

Leave us, Helga. It looks like I have work to do. Leave the hot oil though, I might need it later.

 

The Pulse. Do these upstarts have any idea what they are getting into? Does the publisher of this so-called “Pulse” know how difficult it is to publish ten years of local restaurant features without a single negative comment? Perhaps he or she does, since I do not see any featured restaurants here. And tell me Jeeves, where is the MAP in this magazine? You cannot foist upon the good citizens of this city a journal without a map! It is absurd! How would any reader ever know where to go without a handy map? You know Jeeves, it is said that key Chinese generals of the Peoples Liberation Army keep a copy of our magazine’s city map right next to their manuals on urban warfare. That reminds me – remove our office location from the map in the next issue. As I was saying, no magazine can be successful without a map. Nonetheless, the very size of this Pulse monstrosity could be a threat to our distribution.

           

Well, it looks like we’ve got work to do Jeeves. We’ve shut down competitors before, and we can do it again. Call the attorneys, the Foreign Affairs Police, the tax office, and Jack McDowell. Start some rumors that the Pulse is owned by a Danish firm. That will turn all the Canadians against them, and Canadians make up 97% percent of the foreign population in Taichung. Don’t ask me how I know that, I just read it somewhere. We’ll see to it that this Pulse thing never sees a second issue. I’ll not share my billions of NT$ in monthly advertising revenue with anyone!  

 

And Jeeves, send Helga back in. I’m getting tense.