S.A.D. Kings and Solstice Blues
By: Chaon Automasaur
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Yeah, no idea about this. File date is January 2006, which is when I was writing for the Voice. But a line in the text says "we’ve pretty much got readers of The Pulse covered." I do not remember writing for the Taichung Pulse, if that's what is was called.
I miss Soundgarden and all the related shenanigans.
We all now know that drinking is not a long-term solution for dealing with depression, seasonal or not.
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"Now is the winter of our discontent."
--From King Richard III (I, i, 1)
For the longest time, I thought that quote meant that winter had arrived and everyone was about to get real depressed. It seemed fitting- Things get all dark and cold (and in Taiwan, wet) as winter moves in, and people get grumpy, gain weight, and have trouble getting out of bed. The degree to which people celebrate the winter holidays with frantic, desperate, and affected cheer seems to clinch it. There’s even an official name for this: Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.). Sad. Get it? Ha ha ha. I was pretty sure that this was the ‘Winter of Discontent’ that Shakes was talking about.
Naw, I was wrong. As it turns out, the opening words of Richard III reflect the persona of Richard, a deformed angry man who loathes the world, and who believes the world hates him right back.
But this works out either way. Whether we’re talking about those who undergo various mental breakdowns in this season, or twisted misanthropes who hate their environment, we’ve pretty much got readers of The Pulse covered. So with this in mind, let’s go straight to this season’s self-help guide: How to stay cheerful this Winter (in spite of it all).
Tip #1: Drink
As the famous philosopher Albert Camus said: “There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is whether or not to have another drink.” At least I think that’s what he said. I was drunk pretty much that whole semester where we studied Existentialism. Anyway, the benefits of drink are legend, especially when it comes to dealing with cold, crappy weather. Just bear in mind that while alcohol is excellent for keeping the winter doldrums away, use it too much and the world will indeed start to hate you, or at least not be willing to lend you money. Though if you find yourself drunk more often than you are sober, remember that you can probably get a job writing for 24/7 magazine.
Tip #2: Keep Your Friends Close
Friends in Taiwan are something of a dichotomy to those of us in the advice-giving business. On one hand, you don’t want to be isolated and alone in the holiday season, and spending quality time with friends is a great way to beat that. Note that ‘quality time’ does not include taking your friend to the hospital, picking him/her up at the Foreign Affairs Police station, or wandering around outside Soundgarden at 4:00 in the morning wondering where he/she has disappeared to. If you often find yourself in any of those situations, then your friend might be crazy. Nothing piles on the stress and turmoil like a crazy friend. Also, remember that the person who happens to be sitting next to you at the bar is not necessarily your friend, but may be viewed as a friend-substitute. Kind of like a rented friend. Just modify your concept of “quality time” as appropriate.
Tip #3: Newspapers
Ignore them. Do not read them. Same goes for news sites on the internet and television news programs. Bad news sells, and the last thing anybody needs in the bleakness of winter is more negativity. Remember that The Pulse is not, technically speaking, a newspaper, since we don’t actually publish any news. Read away and be happy.
Tip #4: Exercise
It may be cold and windy outside, but there are many activities available to us in Taiwan that take place indoors. These indoor sports can add to your mental and physical health, and for some of you out there, perhaps aid you with your specific repugnant deformity. Some examples of healthy indoor activities include… Um. The one where you… uh… Curling? Monopoly? Well, here at The Pulse, we’re not entirely sure what these indoor activities might be, but we suggest that you get off your ass and start doing them. Experts on depression say that if you enjoy a vigorous sex life, then you can pretty much skip all the exercise stuff. However, the editorial staff here at The Pulse has looked into this issue extensively, and we have concluded that nobody in Taichung actually has sex. There is really no other explanation for the 117 consecutive rejections we received on our generous offers of amour.
Tip# 5: Lunar New Year
(We’ll start calling it the Chinese New Year when we move to China. Which we won’t)
Living in Taiwan, we are distanced from the main causes of winter depression back home: Christmas, Hanukkah, Saturnalia, whatever. Instead, we have to deal with the Lunar New Year, which is depressing enough in its own exotic way. Most businesses close, the weather still sucks, and if you are misfortunate enough to get to spend the holiday with Taiwanese friends or family, then somebody is inevitably going to try and get you to eat niangao (年糕), a disgustingly sweet goop that supposedly brings luck. Gross as it may be, cheer yourself up by remembering that it’s no worse than American fruitcake. To compound your misery, remember those friends we were talking about up in Tip #1? Well they’ve all gone to Thailand, where they are sitting on a beach catching some rays, ogling ladyboys, or doing something else that is pretty damn relaxing. Our advice is: Get out of Taiwan when the Lunar New Year comes. Take a vacation anywhere: Thailand, Philippines, Vietnam, anywhere except America. Not that America isn’t a nice place or anything, but flying there these days means jumping through security hoops that would make Soviet-era Russians embarrassed. We’re looking for ways to reduce winter stress- and getting hassled by uniformed dorks that are simultaneously rent-a-cops AND bureaucrats turns out not to be the best way to do that.
So, follow these five simple and helpful tips, and you can make sure that this season is not your Winter of Discontent. To recap- Drinking, friends & exercise, yes. Sex, impossible. News, no. Lunar New Year, run away. While you’re at it, you should probably lay off reading Shakespeare. Fills your head will all kinds of crazy thoughts.
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