"24 Hours in Taichung"
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A bunch of hilariously dated stuff in this one, more so than usual.
I did have a portable CD player, but I did not buy an MP3 player with a whopping 256 megabytes of memory. Are MP3 players even a thing now in 2022? I would guess they've ben replaced by phones.
I really miss having brunch at FM. But I'm much better now at remembering to buy eggs.
Sweet popcorn is still disgusting and wrong. I will die on this hill.
I still get actors and actresses wrong all the time.
This year wife and I went to New Zealand. She told me about this company in Wanaka that would not only let you fly a plane, but would even let you take off and land after only a few minutes of instruction. I confidently bet her one million billion trillion dollars that they would not let someone with no experience land any kind of airplane. Well you'll never guess who was wrong. Thanks a lot, U-Fly.
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I am sure that upon hearing that the theme of this month's issue is “24 Hours in Taichung,” regular readers of this column (all seven of you) are waiting with bated breath to read about how I once played Diablo II for 24 hours straight, defeating all three levels of the game and achieving worldwide notoriety in the gaming community.
Alas, it is not to be. It has been brought to my attention that many of the readers of this magazine are not only male, but also have girlfriends. Some are even considering... marriage.
So it's my duty to put aside the important issues that we usually deal with in this column, and take this opportunity to warn single men about what is often an unforeseen danger of marriage: arguments. You see, being married is a transformative process. The guy you are going into it with is not that same guy coming out. (Not that I’m suggesting your marriage won't work out or anything.) Specifically, when you are married, it is possible for a husband and wife to argue about the most ridiculously mundane things –often several times in one day. Or a dozen times in one day. But probably not more than one hundred times in one day. Not yet, anyway. And these arguments and fights scar, cut, and mold a man's personality, making him unrecognizable to those who knew him as a bachelor.
Now, I could go around and ask a bunch of married people questions about their marriage, and collect all the data, and report it. But I think it is safe to assume that all marriages are exactly like mine. My wife and have the ability to argue about anything and everything. All day long. To help single guys better prepare themselves for this part of being married, I present:
24 Hours of Karl’s Marriage
Sunday: 8:00AM (Bedroom) I don't know, what do *you* want for breakfast? No we cannot have breakfast at FM, because they don't open for brunch until 12:00. I'm hungry now. I’ll go downstairs and start breakfast.
8:45 (Computer room) What do you mean what am I doing? I'm checking my E-maiL No, I didn’t make *all* the breakfast, but I made the coffee. That's the hardest part. Let me just check one more thing online and then I'll cook the eggs.
10:20 (Computer room) Why are you always nagging me? I said I'll cook the eggs and I’ll cook the eggs. Let me just finish this great post on my blog.
11:15 (Computer room) I'm going! Tm going! Why are you always yelling? How do you want your toast?
11:16 (Kitchen) Well How WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW we didn't have any eggs? Like this is my fault? Maybe if you spent more time in the kitchen and less time SHOPPING FOR CLOTHES then you could have TOLD me that we didn't have any eggs.
12:00 (at FM) It's not MY fault we never save any money, YOU'RE the one who always wants to eat out.
12:45 (In the car) Yes it IS legal to turn right at a red light. I do it all the time. Yes it is. Is so. Oh yeah, well at least I’VE never had a car accident. No, that one doesn't count. He hit me. No, it doesn't. Does not. Not not not not.
12:55 (Still in the car) It’s OK to park here. Yes it is. That line is only half-red. They don't tow cars on Sunday anyway. I know they do in Taipei, but this is Taichung. You worry too much.
1:00 (At Mitsukoshi Department Store.) You've got to be kidding me. You cannot possibly want to look at shoes. You have a million pairs of shoes already. Boots are the same as shoes. You don't have to yell about it. Why are you always yelling?
1:20 (Still at Mitsokoshi) That blouse? It makes you look pretty fat. OW! What did I say? Why are you always hitting me?
1:30 (Mitsukoshi) I need that MP3 player. Yes I do. I know I already have a portable CD player, but this MP3 player has 256 megabytes of memory. I need it to transfer computer files. For work. What kind of files? You know, like drivers and stuff. But ifs ON SALE. I am NOT being spoiled, I NEED it. Oh yeah? What about that time you crashed the car?
2:00 (Universal theater at Mitsokoshi, snack bar) Salty. No, salty. We are not discussing this. No. I said salty. Oh so it's like that. You won't even let me buy an MP3 player, and now I have to eat sweet popcorn? This is so unfair. Sweet popcorn is so gross.
2:10 (Sitting in theater seats) Who's that? Brad Pitt? He was Legolas in the Lord of the Rings, right? Yes he was, he was the guy with the bow. No, it's the same guy, I'm sure. You wanna bet? I’ll bet you a million dollars that Brad Pitt was in the Lord of the Rings. You are so stubborn.
4:00 (In Mitsukoshi bookstore, looking at the front of the DVD box set for the Lord of the Rings) Rupees! I said 111 bet you million Indonesian Rupees. Not dollars. No I didn't. Besides, Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom look almost exactly the same! How am I supposed to tell them apart? I am NOT blind.
4:20 (outside Mitsukoshi) Dammit all to hell where is our car?!?! I TOLD you we shouldn't park here! No, you didn't warn me at all.
6:00 (Home kitchen) Don't put so many hot peppers in the curry. No, that is still too many. You are going to kill me. I am NOT a big baby. Nobody eats food that spicy! Well do I LOOK Thai? Put that knife down.
8:00 (Living room, watching TV) Who is that actress? Angelina Jolie? She was in Lord of the Rings, wasn't she? Yes she was, she was the Elven Princess. Yes she was! I'll bet you ten million dollars that Angelina Jolie was in Lord of the Rings.
8:05 (Computer room, looking at Lord of the Rings web site) RUPEES! I said ten million RUPEES! What are you, DEAF?
11:30 (Bed) Are you OUT OF YOUR MIND? That's ridiculous! No man can do it more than once in one night. I don't care what you read in Cosmopolitan. Hey! Let go of that!
3:45AM (Computer Room) What does it look like I'm doing? I’m checking my E-mail!
7:55AM What do you want for breakfast? OK, I'll go make eggs...
Now, you can all see a recurring theme through the 24 hours of arguments detailed above. That theme is simple: I was right in every single case. Guys, don't be misled by this. While it is true that women seldom understand logic or technology or who was the actor in any given movie, the truth is that at least once in your life you will have an argument with your wife and be wrong. That's what I've heard, anyway. Since I've never been wrong, Fm not real clear on what it feels like.
So enjoy your bachelor days, where the 24 hours in the day matches up quite nicely with the 24 beers in a case. Married days are... more exciting, and longer. Much longer.
Finally, does anyone have any Rupees they can sell me?
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