Taichung Voice, July 2006

A stuff I wrote for that thing way back then. 

Things that have changed since then: 

1) Besides dogs, I have now seen all manner of pets being paraded at People's Park on Sundays, including snakes, iguanas, turtles, and even a hawk of some kind. 

2) There was a Transformers movie that actually had robot dinosaurs, but it kind of sucked. 

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Heavy Petting

So I was on my way to Nova last week, and as I passed through People’s Square I saw the weekly canine convention that is held there every Sunday afternoon. If you have never seen this, stop by and check it out some Sunday- it’s pretty cool. A large number of Taichung’s dog owners bring their dogs to run around and play and have peeing contests with all the other dogs. There are a few incessant barkers, but mostly the dogs are pretty well behaved. Seeing so many happy animals got me to thinking: I should get a pet. Taichung is now blessed with some huge pet stores that have just opened in the last couple of years, so my pet options should be pretty varied. With this in mind, I headed over to the section of Wu-Chuan West Road between Dong Xing and Wen Hsin Roads, where four or five of these large stores are located. Here are my pet candidates:

Fish. Not a pet so much as a decoration. An expensive decoration. Fresh-water fish tanks are boring, saltwater tanks are difficult to maintain. Yes some people believe that certain species of fish will bring prosperity to their owners, but that is just a superstition. It is a scientific fact that luck only comes from horseshoes and ladybugs. Forget the fish.

A dog. The obvious choice. Everyone loves dogs. “Man’s best friend,” they say. Well it’s true, dogs are loving and loyal, but they also tend to be as dumb as a box of hair. All dogs ever think about is eating and sleeping and licking their private parts. For that kind of companionship, I could just as easily hang out with the writers of 24 * seven magazine. Ha ha! A little cross-publication humor there. But seriously, even if I’m going to get a dog, what kind to get? Huskies are hugely popular in Taiwan now, but I just wouldn’t feel right owning a dog that was bred for arctic temperatures in a tropical environment. And the thing about any large breed of dog is that I’m sure they feel cramped, stuck in an apartment all day. Dogs should have a yard or garden or something to run around in and my 1-1/2 ping balcony is not going to cut it. So how about a small dog, like a Chihuahua? I could dress my Chihuahua up in a little sweater, carry him around in my purse, and take him to coffee shops and comb his hair when I. . .. Whoa! Wait a minute. Let's just forget the dog idea entirely.

So maybe a cat. Quieter, smarter and less smelly than a dog. Small enough so that living in an apartment is not a problem. Cats clean themselves. Granted, cats are more aloof and not as loving as dogs, but there is a good reason for that. In ancient Egypt, cats were worshipped as holy, and the killing of cats was illegal. I guess modern cats remember this fact, and that’s why they still act like spoiled little furry gods. We’ll put the cat down as a ‘maybe’.

 How about an unusual, edgy pet... like a snake! Snakes are cleaner than both cats and dogs. Watching a snake eat stuff (like a Chihuahua) is fun and entertaining, whereas watching a cat or dog eat stuff is pretty boring. And just imagine how cool it would be to show up at People’ Park on a Sunday afternoon with a two-meter python on a leash. On the downside, snakes are even less affectionate than cats. And do I really need a cold-blooded predator living in my apartment? After all, I’m already married. No snakes, then. But there are other reptiles for sale at the pet stores, like iguanas and horned lizards. At least, I think they are horned lizards –they don’t really have horns. Neither of these are good pets though. Iguanas are master escape artists, and it would just be a matter of time before my pet iguana escaped and made a dash for Dakeng. And the lizard things are nocturnal, which means nightmare-inducing scratching from its cage all night long as it tries to forage. No, no reptiles.

 A hedgehog? Don’t laugh. Hedgehogs are becoming increasingly popular as pets in Taiwan. No, I don’t know anyone that has actually bought one. I’m not sure what the advantage is to having a hedgehog as a pet. Do they play? Can they kick ass like Sonic the Hedgehog does in those Sega games? I doubt it. Real life animals are never as interesting as their digital counterparts.

But looking at these different kinds of pets, I thought that surely there was something out there that would match my own... proclivities. So I left the pet stores, and went back to Nova, where I am most comfortable. Besides, those pet stores don’t smell so good. And it was at Nova that I found the perfect pet: THE ROBORAPTOR

That’s right. Not only is the Roboraptor a ROBOT, but it is also a DINOSAUR! If you do not agree that this is the coolest thing in the whole universe, then... you need to go watch more movies about robots and dinosaurs or something. I got so excited when I saw the Roboraptor in the store that I peed in my pants a little bit.

 

The advantages of a robot pet over a live pet are countless. No poo, ever. No food except batteries, and batteries can be re-charged and re-used these days. You can’t re-use cat food. The Roboraptor costs around NT$3500, which is cheaper than a fancy iguana or a purebred dog. And the Roboraptor's artificial intelligence comes with three distinct moods, which is two more than you’ll ever see in a snake. I’m not sure if the Roboraptor will protect your home in the same way a dog might, but I am working on it. Now, if I can just figure out how to dress him up like a ninja. . .