They claimed that they did not want to take away our music;
that they just wanted it allocated into new and helpful marked designations.
They said it was for our own good. They always say that, and yet somehow our own good never seems to involve an
expansion of our rights, or a reduction of their authority over us.
We asked the gods to send us someone, anyone. One who would fight
for us and stand up to those who hungered so much for power. One champion.
The gods sent us three.
The Illusionist Zappa rode forth, with his mournful eyes and
his boss mustache. He had spent a lifetime mocking not only our rulers, but also
our confederations and systems that produced such rulers. So his appearance on
that day was not entirely unexpected. He was occasionally described as mad. He
was never described as obedient.
His defense that day was flawless, and the attack he
unleashed was absolutely withering. Gone was the merry prankster, the creator
of delightful whimsies that mocked the clerics and the academies. Instead we
witnessed barely contained fury directed at our kingdom’s corrupt and corpulent
ministers.
With the government forces still reeling, there were gasps
of astonishment as Snider the Barbarian entered the field. At this point, I
must ask you to understand that I am not prejudiced at all. Why, some of my
best friends are barbarians. But I was… we were… skeptical. This was not a
fight that could be won by bellowing, or by dramatic shenanigans. What could
Snider hope to accomplish?
Our doubts were foolish and unfounded. Behind that wild ruffian’s
demeanor lay the power and wisdom of a wizard. Time and again that day the
would-be tyrants recoiled from Snider’s forceful counterblows. You almost
wanted to feel sorry for Tipper Gore. Almost, but not quite.
It was not enough. The forces of aesthetic oppression were
bruised, yet they still held the field. We needed one more. And from the high
plains in the West, he came.
Small of stature and bespectacled, the druid had long
eschewed the harsh Germanic name of his forefathers, taking as his surname that
of the city that floats a mile above the seas: Denver. Some said he could
communicate with animals. Others said he conversed directly with the heavens. He
arrived fully prepared for battle, and yet seemed serene. It was as if he knew
the outcome before it began.
Message for
my descendants: Children of my children, learn from the mistakes made by my
parents and their compeers: Know that if you find yourself in opposition to a
legendary lawful good druid, you are on the wrong side of things.
And the outcome was this: it was a rout. The Druid Denver
was unscathed, yet magnanimous in victory. The vile bureaucrats and their
toadies cowered and ran and backslid and swore that they had never intended to
do the thing that they had absolutely said they were going to do.
The people were ecstatic. We cheered, we danced, we
huzzahed, and we told Senator Hollings to go fuck himself. Our music, our arts,
and our culture would be safe for a while yet.
Editor’s Note:
Yeah I know. I had to take a lot of liberties with the facts here. Here are the
most egregious:
Zappa, Snider, and John Denver are technically all Bards,
though I would argue that Zappa is some kind of odd multiclass.
On that day, the order was Zappa, Denver, and then Snider.
But I was 8 years old when Rocky Mountain
High was released, and 18 year-old me was absolutely amazed that it was John Fucking Denver stepping up to
smack the government’s greasy hand away. I mean, my grandmother liked John Denver. So I changed the order to reflect
that.
This story also reads like John Denver was more eloquent
than the other speakers. But honestly, Dee Snider’s telling the
committee:
“As the creator of "Under the Blade," I can say categorically that the only sadomasochism, bondage, and rape in this song is in the mind of Ms. Gore”
was, as modern young people would say, the sickest burn
of the day.
Also, John Denver got busted for several DUIs, so he’s
probably not lawful good. But as Winston Churchill once said: “History is
written by the bloggers.”
2 comments:
I somehow forgot to mention anywhere above that this was 32 years ago today.
The world needs FZ back about now.
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