News Flash

Chirac Vows to Restore Order as Riots Grow Across France
By Sebastian Rotella

PARIS-As rioters spread fire and violence across France, shooting and wounding police officers, President Jacques Chirac vowed to restore calm and punish those responsible for 11 days of disturbances.

President Bush has authorized the Joint Chiefs to begin drawing up a battle plan to pull France's ass out of the fire again. Facing an apparent overwhelming force of up to 400 pissed off teenagers Mr. Bush doubts France's ability to hold off the little pissants. "Hell, if the last two world wars are any indication, I would expect France to surrender any day now", said Bush.

Joint Chiefs head, Gen. Peter Pace, warned the President that it might be necessary to send up to 5 Marines to get things under control. The general admitted that 5 Marines may be overkill but he wanted to get this thing under control within 24 hours of arriving on scene. He stated he was having a hard time finding even one Marine to help those ungrateful bastards out for a third time but thought that he could persuade a few women Marines to do the job before they went on pregnancy leave.

President Bush asked Gen. Pace to get our Marines out of there as soon as possible after order was restored.

He also reminded Gen. Pace to make sure the Marines did not take soap, razors, or deodorant with them. The less they stand out the better.

This News Flash sent courtesy of La Terrasse