Thursday, April 11, 2013
Epic Tale of Fail
Gather around children, and I will tell you a tale. It is a tragic tale, one of hubris, and struggle, and defeat of a hero. Listen carefully and take heed, for I will speak of the day that Chaon was defeated in the kitchen.
Yes, that Chaon. The one who tamed the legendary ironskin chuck roast with a combination of heat, pressure, and arcane herbs. The Chaon who broke the vile and inedible vegetarian bacon on the dark stone of his culinary will, making it part of a delicious risotto. The Chaon who mercilessly mocked Jamie Oliver, not for his incomprehensible English, but for his overcooking of all fish entrées.
What is that, child? You want to know what kind of vile thing could overcome such a champion? I will tell you, but you must be strong. It is not our way to cry out in fear, or horror. Do you all remember when I told you about… sorghum liquor? I see that you do. Stop whimpering, we are safe in this place. The wicked Formosan alchemists of Black Bridge keep, who hate everything that tastes good, contrived to act against all that is right in the world by mixing sorghum liquor into a sausage. To compound the evil, they then mixed in a potent sweetener, probably corn-syrup based. Let it not be said that Chaon did not know what he faced, when handed the box by a well meaning mother-in-law.
Chaon contemplated for two days, and then took action. Some say that he believed that the essence of the sickly sweet sorghum liquor sausage was still meat, and thus amenable to spices used to season meat. Others say that he was confident that by slicing on the bias, and searing in a pan with the correct oils, that the taste bud ruining flavors could be overcome, if not entirely expelled. We know for sure that Chaon summoned garlic, cayenne, and cumin, and also many traditional peppers. It is not known if he applied sage.
What we do know is that Chaon failed. The sweetness was not sufficiently diminished. The diabolical blend preserved its taste of putrefaction and broken dreams. And it is believed that it was this day that shattered Chaon’s confidence in himself, as well as his faith in preserved meat products.