I am totally thrilled to be writing this month's column, the topic of which is martial arts. Why, you ask? Because I am an absolute master of all the different kinds of martial arts that exist. Oh sure, some doubters will say that I can not be a real expert because I have never been in a "dojo", and I don't have any "training" and because I have a body like a "mango". To these detractors, I offer this evidence:
Fatal Fury. Tekken. Virtua Fighter. Mortal Kombat. Street Fighter I, II AND III. I have mastered every character in every one of these games, which has given me almost perfect knowledge of all the fighting styles they use. And I'm pretty much undefeatable. My joystick/game controller reflexes are so fast, that thanks to Einstein's Theory of Relativity, when I finish playing a video game my hands end up five years younger than the rest of my body.
Many people wish to know more about the martial arts, so I am going to use this opportunity to answer the many questions that the Taichung Voice readers have peppered me with.
We'll start with a question from Sam Moran in Feng Yuan:
Q) Sometimes when people talk about martial arts, they refer to something called qi. What is that?
A) Qi is the internal life force inside everyone. Masters of martial arts can develop and channel their qi so that they can shoot lightening out of their fingers, or throw fireballs or huge shards made of ice.
Q) Are you sure about that?
A) Of course I'm sure. As I've already said, I'm an expert.
Shelly Springbok Asks:
Q) Why do so many martial arts practitioners break all those wooden boards?
A) Because they hate trees. A long time ago, a great big tree fell over and conked a karate master on the head. That incident spawned a centuries-long feud that continues to this day. Sometimes the karate guys will also smash bricks. That is just practice for the wood smashing.
Q) What is Aikido?
A) Aikido is a martial art from Japan
Q) And Judo?
A) Judo is not a martial art. It is a kind of dance.
Q) A kind of dance? But they roll around on the floor!
A) That is the tender cuddling that comes after the dancing.
Q) Must be a pretty romantic dance.
A) It's like a Japanese Rhumba.
Tommy Took asks:
Q) Which kind of martial art is better, Chinese styles or Japanese styles?
A) Good question. Chinese kung-fu masters can fly. But the Japanese have ninjas. I'd say it's a tie.
Q) What about Korean karate?
A) The most popular Korean martial art is called Tae Kwon Do. It is practiced mainly by girls and real fat guys. Another popular Korean style is called Get Blind Drunk and Swing at Anything that Moves. It's sort of like the Chinese style 'Drunken Monkey', but without the monkey.
From Lentz Barrel in Taichung
Q) Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Bruce Lee?
A) This was resolved in the movie "The Way of the Dragon". Bruce Lee won.
Q) I mean in real life.
A) I don't understand what you are talking about.
From Bee Jaye in Taichung
Q) A good wrestler will kick any martial artist's butt. Take me for example: I kick people's butts all the time, even when they know karate or are bigger than me.
A) So, what's your question?
Q) I don't have a question. I just thought you should know that.
A) Umm, ok, thanks.
Anonymous asks:
Q) I was watching the World Cup and I saw one player head butt another. Was that some kind of kung-fu move? From which style?
A) What you saw is an ancient French martial art called le trempe. It is most effective against histrionic Italians.
Big Ben e-mailed this question:
Q) Which martial art should I study in order to avoid getting my ass kicked in seedy pubs and discos?
A) Your best bet would be ninjitsu, because you'll look really awesome on the dance floor in one of those black costumes. But if your super serious about not wanting to get beat up, I think you should learn the style of karate called Not Going to Dangerous Pubs and Discos.
Another Anonymous question:
Q) What do you think of Royce Gracie and Brazilian Jiu-jitsu?
A) I don't know who Royce Gracie is, but Brazilians play soccer, not karate. So there is no way that this Brazilian Jiu-jitsu could ever be a successful fighting style. And what kind of name is 'Royce'? If I ever met anyone named 'Royce Gracie', I'd probably just smack him silly for having such a dumb name.
Asked on MSN messenger by someone named Matt Hughes:
Q) You are retarded! How can you write an article about martial arts when you live in some kind of bizarre fantasy world of movies and video games? I have been practicing mixed martial arts for ten years and I am insulted with the way that you have slandered serious martial artists everywhere.
A) I have not slandered anyone. 'Slander' is spoken. The word you are looking for is 'libel'.
Q) WHATEVER! I am not going to take this anymore! I am going to find you at FUBAR one of these days and give you a beating. You are going to learn about karate the hard way!
A) That?s ridiculous. There is no Playstation at FUBAR.
Q) I mean a REAL FIGHT! With fists and feet and grappling!
A) And fireballs?
Q) Aaarrrghh!
Well, that about wraps up this month's column. I know what most of you are thinking- "This guy is a total master! When is Karl going to open his own kung-fu school?". I?ve been thinking about it, but for students to learn everything I know would be long, hard work. I estimate that it would take at least six weeks to get a black belt in Karl-fu. Still, since it is my duty to continue sharing my knowledge with the people of Taichung
4 comments:
How much did FUBAR pay for the product placement?
Nothing, but I'm not sure if I paid my tab there last Friday night. I am pretty sure that I was trying to convince Commander Cardy to fight me in the park across the street, but he politely declined. Lucky for him, I suppose. I have never lost a fight to an SAS commando, and I don't see why that should ever change.
Hmm, how much free beer do I get to not mention the fact that I am at FuBar two or three days each week?
BTW, did I pay my tab Friday night?
really funny piece man...
Karl-fu!
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